Sleeping with ghosts

I - very randomly and unplanned - stumbled upon this picture old picture of myself on DeviantArt. It was by coincidence I found it, since it was through someone's site I was browsing that I stumbled upon it. I always find it weird to look at old photos of myself. This one was taken back in 2008, which means I was either 14 or 15 years old at the time. My family still have that camera laying around somewhere, if I remember correctly.

It's weird, but I feel like the me from my past is a different person than the one I am today. Not metaphorically or anything, but litterally as it was another human being with another life. I can have a hard time trying to think about my past, both things that I have done and how I've reacted to certain event, interests and preferrings because everything is so distant and vague by now.
Of course I have roots of my "previous self" if I can say it like that, I have things that still rings through me and certain characters that are still exactly the same. But seeing the whole picture, it's a minority that still hangs around.
I think there's a lot of reasons to it, first off being the fact that I was a teenager and that time of your life is about forming yourself and figuring yourself out, finding your boundaries and all in all just trying to become independent. Besides that reason, I think it also has a lot to do with being swallowed up in different disorders through my teens. It's quite common to "lose yourself" while having a mental disorders, your way of seeing life often changes and your previous interests often decreases/extincts or changes, which might depend on the disorder (weirdly enough).
I was eating disordered and depressed basically through all of my teenage years, at one point suffering with delusions which luckily went away quite "quickly" (so to say). When I started getting better, though not all recovered, I started to notice a change in myself.
I can easily say that I know myself way better than I did just 2 years ago, which is a weird feeling. The person I was 2 years ago seems so far away from the person I am today, a lot of things now being completely opposite. I was uncertain and constantly going through phases in the hopes of figuring myself out, but it never really happened that way. Differently than all I tried, it came when I stopped trying to find myself/when I got better.

If I met the soul of "my previous self" I probably wouldn't guess it was myself from the past. The way of thinking, reacting and overall just mentality is so off and far away by now.. I might have a lot of emotional outbursts here on my blog, but it usually passes and are way more lighter than they have ever been. Back then, my head was a constant maelstrom of an overwhelming sadness and desperation which never got a break. I was better at concealing it though, which probably was why it kept going on for so long, because I didn't get it off my chest. I've learned the importance of trusting and letting go, though it still can be hard for me sometimes. But at least I have breaks from that sadness now, most often very long breaks before it returns/the negativity isn't constant anymore.
 I always feel weird if someone says "but you used to like/look/think/say.." because the me they knew is not who I am anymore.

Despite all the psychological differences, there's also been quite a big shift in my appearance and interests. Whenever someone mentions my previous interests or looks, I have to fight the urge to punch them in the eye (lol, might be exaggerating a bit here but you know). It's actually quite often someone mentions my previous interests despite not even knowing me at that time - most oftenly mentioned is Japanese youth culture-related things, even though I haven't given a flying fuck about that since I was about 16 years old, haha. But they are all much more superficial things than what I wanted to write about in this entry, so I'm not really going into that (though, surprisingly, there are some reasons behind it all).

I just find it weird to look at pictures from the past and thinking about life and how I saw it back then. I think (though I don't know if it's actually like that) most people will always find it funny to see photos of themselves as young/mid-teens mostly because of the way they looked, but most of the saved pictures I have of myself from the past reminds me of certain mental states I had at the time of each specific picture. There's a lot of memories behind many of them and even though I can't bond or connect with the states I was in back then, they mean a lot to me. I don't live through the old emotions when I look at them. It feels more as if a ghost of the past me is coming over for a brief visit. I tell him that things turned out better than he'd expect.

it started with a handgun loaded with excuses

So Christmas came and went. It was quite a great night, we held kind of and "anti-Christmas" since none of us care much for Christmas. We ate the traditional Danish dinner, opened a few presents and that was pretty much all that can be considered Christmassy... We listened to The Doors and Queen most of the night, had some of our delightful, untraditional conversations and relaxed.

Today I've hung out a little bit with Emilia. We don't really see each other as much as we usually do right at the moment and I can definitely feel a difference in that. So it was nice to see her again though we didn't have that much time to spend as she had to be home at 7 PM. After that I spent some time at my mum's and Jonas came over somewhere during the evening but left at 2 AM because of some problems with his family. It's 5:30 AM now and I can't really fall asleep. I've also caught a fever, so my body is aching quite bad, though it's not as bad as it was earlier this night.

I don't really know what to do with myself right now and I feel sort of confused about a lot of things. I have a lot of thoughts on my mind in different directions and I can't really get to the bottom of any of them because there's too many of them at once. I guess a lot of it stems from my own insecurities which all are way too loud these days. It's one of those times where my insecurity gets out of hand and I feel this overwhelming fear of failing anyone's expectations aswell as my own to an extent where I'm more or less putting a lid on myself and my own wants/needs. I feel like a liar and I feel fake for not really being able to talk about my own thoughts with others right now. I'm afraid of pulling a trigger, offending someone, letting them down or not being what they'd expect of me by telling them. I'm just really scared of not being able to provide enough and I feel like it shouldn't matter what I feel and think, as long as they are functioning properly. But if I were to talk about my thoughts, I wouldn't even know where to start anyway.
There's just a little bit too much inside my head and I can't really get it out. I miss being lightheaded right now.

it seems it's written but we can't read between the lines

So Christmas is just around the corner and I haven't bought one single present yet. This will be interesting. I think this is a pretty typical thing of me to do, I always end up buying them right before Christmas Eve in a stressful manner, lol.
I'm going home to my Mum and will spent the evening with my sister, my mum and Jonas. My brother leaves for Marocco tomorrow, so he won't be celebrating it with us.

I'm dealing with some jealousy right at the moment, but I'm trying not to let anything out on Jonas because it's really not his fault and the jealousy has something to do with previous events in my life that I need to work out. It's very rare for me to get jealous, but when I do, it's gets really painful. I've been "a second choice" before and ended up being the one left, generally always feel like I'm not enough (goes for most of my qualities as in friendships, love, creative stuff and just as a person that I feel this way), and I've been abandoned/have a fear of being left behind because of some things in my past. It's all a bunch of things I need to work out with my therapist, because there's no reason to feel jealous in this at all.

The last time I weighed myself, I weighed 43,8 kg. I'm not sure what I weigh right now - it's two days ago since I last stepped on a scale if I remember correctly. I still keep battling between thinking that there is no problem in that and that this is not normal at all and I should seek help. Logically, I know it's not healthy and good for me, that weighing that while being 168 cm is extremely unhealthy but at the same time I feel like I'm an exception and that it's not that big of a deal. I'll try to figure out what to do, but I know I'll wait until Christmas is over before asking for help/support because it'll just become hectic otherwise.

I'm at my mum's place right now because last night was horrible. It's really rare for me to cry, but I ended up crying like a baby last night for a good while and after that followed one of the worst anxiety attacks I've ever had in my life. So I'm at her place right now and spent pretty much all day on the couch relaxing. It's okay and I'm fine now, just a bit tired but can't really sleep. If I'm still awake at 5 AM, I'm going to get on a train and head towards Jonas. 

Make the same mistake twice.

I'm going to a party tomorrow and I'm actually excited about it. I've avoided social gatherings with strangers for a long time now, so it's a weird feeling to actually looking forward to something like this. Laura is throwing the party, and I'm attending together with Emilia and Jonas. Before that, Jonas is coming over early in the day and Emilia later on and then we're going to make some dinner together before we head off to the party at 10 PM. It'll just be kind of interesting to see how everybody is going to fit in since it's a small apartment and there's coming quite a lot.
Which reminds me that I need to buy some vodka...

So things are going fine, both moodwise and the things happening in life. I can definitely feel a difference now that I don't have to worry about my lack of money and what to do in the new year, it's almost as if a stone was lifted off my chest. I haven't really had any negative thoughts and there has been no anxiety.

I recieved the journal from my hospitalization in 2009, and holy shit, so many papers. It was a package, not a letter as I'd guess. I've read 1/4 of the journal and it's quite interesting to read. There are some things I didn't even know were written or considered by the doctors. For example, I didn't know that they previously diagnosed me with moderate depressive episode and gender identity disorder, the doctors never told me that for some reason. I've also laughed a bit about the things they've written about me (they have described me as awkward more than once in the journal).
It's weird to read about my 16-year-old fucked up self, but also really freeing in a way. I'm aware that not everything is gone, but if I compare myself now to how I was back then, 85% of my problematics are gone or are under control.
There are also a lot of phone conversations between my mum and the nurses written down in the journal, which is also really interesting to read.
When I've read everything through, I'll probably write a long entry about the hospitalization, how I was back then and what happens within a psychiatric hospital since people tend to think that only "nutjobs" go there (spoiler; people are wrong).

 I'll try get my act together and tidy up my room for tomorrow now. I'm thinking about writing more entries about my point of view on things, but I'm afraid if I end up looking like a know-it-all type of person (when honestly, I don't know anything, haha.) I've grown really fond of debates and exchanging point of views lately, but I'm always open to hear about other's opinions and reasons if they think something different, because that also educates me/gives more thoughts. As cliché and lame as it is, I've thought about doing an entry about drugs since it's an issue in my life that tends to come back from time to time (as in friends who tries to beat their addictions), and an entry about sex (because that's a subject that usually stirs the most interesting opinions when I talk with others about it, and I also have a lot of opinions about it). Also an entry about love and what it means to me, and what perfection is for me (that a thing Emilia and I planned to write about on each blogs, she posted her opinion month ago on her blog but I never really got to write mine because I'm lazy.)

And just a little thing - I'm completely alone in the house right now, it's 3 AM and the phone keeps ringing, despite everybody who has the number to the house knows that no one is there to pick up the phone after 4 PM on Fridays. It's 3 AM, so I'm kind of freaked out because they keep calling and well... people usually don't call a house phone at 3 AM.

And all that could have been.

My head is 18 mm away from being bald now. I'm actually really enjoying this length and I think it turned out way better than imagined. I don't think I've ever had this short hair in my life, it was even longer back when I was born.. I'm glad I ended up getting rid of it all, because I'm quite pleased with it.

My financial problems will hopefully be solved somewhere in next week, or else it will be solved on January 1st. I hope it will work out this week though, since I only have 150 DKK to live for right now. Cross your fingers for me!

I've been kind of confused about a lot of things lately, not really being able to pinpoint much. I guess it has just been a lot of thoughts in different directions and I've thought way too much about things.
I'm kind of ashamed to admit this because I had taken quite a lot pride in not doing it for so long, but I ended up harming myself yesterday. I'm trying not to think of it as a "relapse" but more as a "slip-up". The wounds are not bad, they're shallow and not nearly as many as I'd usually make in the past. More importantly, I came to the realization that this didn't make me gain the comfort I used to get when I did this in the past, so I'm not worried that this is something I'll do again (for a very long time at least.) Though I'm ashamed, I'm somehow "glad" I did it (please don't misunderstand that), because I really just realized that this is not the way to solve anything for me.
It's actually surprisingly difficult to write an entry these days, because I'm trying to not write about weight and food so much.  I'm back to 45 kg again. The staff of my residency have decided to start weighing me every Thursday which freaks me out.

Not many things are happening in my life right at the moment, not anything I'd like to write about here at least for the sake of others. But overall, things are okay. We're having another Christmas-get-together tomorrow evening, I'm looking forward to it. I hope to see some of the awesome people from the other houses and have a nice time with them. My sisters birthday is coming up soon, so I'll try to figure out a present for her tomorrow.
Despite the things written above, I'm doing good.

There's an old voice in my head that's holding me back.

This was the view I woke up to this morning. As said before, the view from the window near my bed faces a cemetery which explains the grave stones, kind of scary but really beautiful most mornings.
Apparently it snowed overnight, so Copenhagen is covered in a pretty layer of white right now.
This invites me to go crazy in the snow with Emilia sometime soon. We've already planned to build an iglo if we can gather enough snow.

I met up with Jonas today and celebrated our 18 months together. We decided to go to Tivoli and look at the Christmas decorations (the way they decorate Tivoli during Christmas is insane. I was told they spent 10 million DKK on the decorations alone... so many pretty lights and trees!) It was all really beautiful and the snow just made it even prettier.
We spent approximately an hour there before deciding to head home to me again due to the cold weather. When we finally came home, I was convinced my toes were going to fall off despite wearing 3 pair of socks and warm shoes. So yes, it was very, very cold, haha.

For the first time in 3 1/2 years, I have a completely naked face. I accidentally dropped one of the balls from my septum jewelry and the ring kept bordering on falling out by itself, so I ended up removing it. It feels really weird to not have any facial piercings anymore... I've had 10 different facial piercings since I got my first done, so it's just weird to not have any at all. I only have 1 left now, my tongue (still considering getting venom bites though...)
I've also cut all my hair off and dyed it black. Went better than expected, lol.

Tomorrow noon I'm going to a meeting about my economy, I really hope it's going to turn out okay.. Later in the evening, my residency is hosting a Christmas-get-together for the residents' families. My mum is in Berlin this week and I couldn't get ahold of my brother, but my sister is coming and I'm looking forward to seeing her. Her boyfriend might also come. We're just going to do some Christmas-y things like cutting hearts (Emma and I have planned to make boob-hearts, because that's how mature we are, haha) and Christmas stars.
As much as I'm looking forward to seeing my sister, the guys from Valby and having a nice time, I'm also scared of because I know many people will attend and that there will be food I have to eat. As I've written a few entries ago, I'm really not good with food these days.. Especially when it comes to eating with others, so I'm just kind of scared of everything. I know it's lame. I've found ways to get out of eating with others the last few months, but I can't do that tomorrow and it's just a scary thing to me somehow. Also, I've been quite bad with social gatherings the last few months and avoided them, but I'll really try to pull myself together. I hope it will be nice!

Wow, this entry has been quite superficial, haha.

My luck.

So yesterday didn't go exactly after the plan. I did end up making that carrot lasagna, though.

I went to the doctor and had a talk with her about some of the bodily issues I've had for a while and she set me up with one of her collegues who could take some blood samples. I had to get 6 different samples taken for a few different things. I've never had a problem with having blood samples taking, far from it - I actually think it's quite fascinating to look at and I tend to "enjoy" them. My veins are quite bad though, it's always difficult for them to find a "good" vein to dig into, and it's also difficult to keep me bleeding (after one bloodsample my veins tend to be all "NOPE AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN TODAY" and I just stop bleeding).
So we ended up having to try both of my arms, so I have two very tender bruises on the inner side of each elbow that hurt like hell. And to top it off - I originally had to get 6 different samples taken, but after one and a half I felt extremely dizzy, my vision began to fade and I couldn't hear anything and suddenly I was laying down instead of sitting up. So yeah, I passed out and had to lie on a brink for a good 20 minutes after gaining consciousness again. I find it kind of funny because a few of the samples were to check if I suffer from anemia, lol.
After a while I was sent home but felt too tired and (still) dizzy, so Jonas and I decided to call it off for the day. But I did make the lasagna for myself (which was really delicious btw).

I've fainted a few times in my life and I think it tends to be at really inconvinient places. I once passed out at a concert and accidentally banged my head while falling on a metalstand in front of me, so I missed about an hour of the concert. Another time I fainted at a metro station (and also ended up puking on myself before the ambulance arrived). I've also fainted while I was about to cross a crowded street.

I'd also like to mention this; I actually managed to cut myself on a fridge today. I didn't even know that was possible until the fridge attacked me with its door and scraped a good layer of skin off my wrist. So now I have these nice bruises that looks like I've done heroin, I also look like I've tried to kill myself. (seriously, it's RIGHT on top of my vein and it's "down the street, not across".) I'm pretty sure my fridge is plotting a murder. 

Reading through this entry, I'm pretty convinced karma is making me pay, haha. 

I get off my feet but I'm still distant.

It's been a little while since my last update, so I thought I'd just fill some things out.
Jonas is coming over in a few hours, and I'm going to make dinner for us which might be the first time I actually do that, haha. In all the time we've known each other, it has always been him who has made dinner for us, so I hope I can live up to that (I'm not the best cook in the world). But I'm going to make carrot lasagna, and if it's possible to find the right ingredients, it will also be vegan. He has the idea that vegan food isn't as good as "normal" food, so I'm gonna see if I can fool him with fake cheese.
We haven't seen much of each other lately, but I was with him yesterday and it just made me really calm and happy. We're going to work on seeing each other more often. It'll be kind of hard in a few months though. He's currently on a waiting list for a hospital ward placed in Roskilde which is quite far away and a bit expensive to go more than once a week. I hope it'll turn out good though, and he's looking forward to getting the help he really needs.

I'm going to the doctor later because of a few things going on with my body, hopefully we find some ways for me to get better. I'm suspecting I might be anemic because I have all the symptoms which sucks. I'm probably also going to get my joints checked since they hurt and my back, too. And my stomach is being weird too, so all around a complete body check, lol.
I can't figure out whether or not to tell her about my eating habits as they have been for the last few months. It probably has something to do with why my body is hurting, but yeah.. A part of me knows I should tell her about it and get help, but another part of me wants to go lower. I gained a kg the last few days so my BMI is back to 16 now which I still know is very low and all, but I constantly have this thing inside me that tells me that just 2 kg more wouldn't harm me, that 44 is where I need to be. I know it's fucked up and I know it has come to a place that's far from healthy. I know I should tell her, but at the same time, if I admit it, it will mean that I actually do have a problem with it again and it scares me. It's a bit difficult to explain this actually.
It's not normal to get anxiety attacks because you've eaten pasta.

On another note, I ordered the doctor's journal from the time I was hospitalized those 3 years ago, I think it'll be interesting to read. I know I let out a lot of negative emotions on my blog, but it's not because I'm always feeling bad, far from it. I function somewhat okay in daily life, things just tend to build up and this is where I spill them out. But it'll be interesting to read about "the past me" and compare to where I am now, because holy shit my mind was fucked up back then.

Hopefully in the new year I'm starting up at the school I went to earlier this year again, though at another "line". It'll be the creative line this time, so I'm really looking forward to that! Not doing anything everyday is a bore by now and I really feel the need to do something soon. So yes, I am excited about this.
My sleeping patterns have also been perfect for the last weeks and I'm really stoked about this. :)

Ikke smerte nok, jeg må veje det op, lade nålen skære igennem mit pigment mens blodet pibler op.

I'm just going to write a bit about the last few days. I had a meltdown some days ago and posted the most pathetic and negative entry in the history of the world, but deleted it after I got some sleep. So if anyone read that - I'm sorry, I'm normally not that negative and whiny, I don't really know what came over me.

The last few days have been good. I went to the cinema with some fellow residents today, followed up by eating at a restaurant afterwards. I had a good time with them, also ended up going for a 3-hour-walk with one of the girls who will be moving in within the next months. I have never really had a conversation with her before since she lives in the other house, but she's seems really nice. I enjoyed our walk.
Yesterday I intended to have an isolation-day, but Laura came over and then I kind of ditched that whole idea because hanging out with Laura is awesome. Emilia also came over and the three of us just talked for a while. I also convinced Emilia to eat 12 "flødeboller" in 5 minutes... She felt pretty ill after that, haha.
I visited my mum over the weekend. I've really missed her, so it was great to see her and catch up on things.

And my sleep schedule has been normal for the last few days! This is beyond amazing. I've been able to fall asleep early, not wake up in the middle of the night, and wake up in the morning. It's been so good and I guess I'm just really excited about this.
Oh, and last night I dreamt that I was in a fight with a midget. I don't even...

I just have to keep myself going, because I tend to fall quite hard these days. Because of the last few days with socializing I've been in a better state of mind. I won't say I feel good, but the days have been good and I've been okay. Last week was really horrible though, lots of anxiety, loneliness, debating with myself whether or not to give up, and generally just feeling worse than I have in a long time. I'm spending tomorrow with Jonas, so I have nice plans for tomorrow aswell. I'm looking forward to seeing him again.

And this song is amazing.

About childhood.

In some aspects I'm very childish. Mostly about the things that are considered "for children only", as toys and playing around. I don't consider it a bad thing, far from it actually, because it's somehow a way I can escape from my head for just a little while.
From the time I began to grow conscious of things and up to the age of 13, I don't actually consider it as my childhood. I was always careful of my surroundings and scared of doing something wrong. My parents stopped getting along shortly after I was born, which led to me feeling like I was the reason of their divorce. My father was an alcoholic who spent most of the time either at work, sleeping or drinking and my mum had a depression, so I had to be careful of doing something that could upset them.
I think the thing that set everything off was a night when I was about 6 years old. It wasn't unnatural to hear them yelling at each other, but this time it was really bad. I remember I heard my father slamming the door and leaving, and I could hear my mum sobbing loudly in the kitchen. Her crying only got worse, and I remember hearing her pretty much sobbing out "I'm going to kill myself" to herself, so I got out of my room next door and tried to comfort her. I let her cry out and tried to make her feel better. Thinking back at it, I think it's disturbing that I knew what suicide meant at that age. I spent the night trying to comfort her and talking with her, and somehow it changed something inside of me. From that night on, I always tried to be around her in case of anything bad should happen to her and by doing that I threw a part of myself away.
Their divorce was hard on me, and when my father was diagnosed with lung cancer it all just became too much. At that time I was bullied in school and didn't have any friends either, so it felt very alone. I remember one incident where they threw dead craneflies after me, which is not quite fun when you're scared of them (I still am, lol).
 My father now lived about an hour away from us and his drinking only got worse. He managed to recover, but fell ill again shortly after. This time, things went fast and he kept getting worse. I was 12 when he passed away.
My mum's new boyfriend and I never got along, and he would regularly tell me I wasn't worth much. He has flat out called me a monster and told me that everything would be better if I didn't exist. My peers told me pretty much the same, so I started to believe that I was a mistake.
I developed an eating disorder and started thinking about ending my life when I was 10, which is fucked up. At 10 I was already trying to destroy myself.

This is roughly what my childhood looked like, up till I was 12. I never really got to play and I never really allow myself to be a kid because of the circumstances. I never felt like the other kids. Along with the things that did happen, I also happened to have a fragile mind so it was all just too much for me.

I think the reason why I love things associated with being a child is because I never really got to fully experience that part of my life. I want to experience a real childhood, I want to play around and be careless, because I never really got to do that when it was appropiate.
I hate growing up and getting older, because it's only a reminder that I will never be able to go back. For me, being childish, fingerpainting and watching Moomin is an escape from my own head. In that second, I can pretend I'm a kid, that I don't have to worry about anything related to adulthood. I can simply be free and not care about anything. It's a comfort for me to escape into that little universe. It means I wont have to be grounded to my own thoughts.
I'd give close to anything to get a second childhood. Since it's not quite possible, I let myself fall into that little world once in a while. I have a love for Peter Pan because of these things. 

The difference between medicine and poison is in the dose.

Emma and I. It was taken by Mikkel a month ago while we were in Tisvilde.

It's almost 3 AM, and I'm sitting at home while listening to the rain and enjoying a cigarette. Today has been one of the best nights I've had in a really long time. It's Mortens Aften (a Danish "half-holiday" which no one I've asked knows the reason of), so I was invited to eat at my boyfriend's family. It's a tradition to eat duck on Mortens Aften and luckily I absolutely love duck. In Denmark, it's quite rare to eat duck - only on Mortens Aften and Christmas Eve. Needless to say I ate myself silly, haha.
Then I spent a lot of the evening just cuddling up with Jonas and being our silly selves. I love how calm we both get when we're together. I don't write about him very often, but it's because we don't see each other that much these days. I'm so happy to have him in my life. We've been together for a year and a half in less than a month.

In other news, I walked 20 km with Emilia a few days ago. It's probably the worst idea we've ever had. It was cold, raining and in the middle of the night with sore feet. We walked from Frederiksberg station to Høje Taastrup station. There was no point in walking that far, it just started out as an short evening walk as we normally do when we hang out, but after a while it turned into a "how far can we go before quitting?"-walk. We got home at 3 AM and felt a bit like dying, haha.
I'm pretty sure it's the most stupid idea we've ever brought to life. All the other ideas we've had has usually had a point in it, but this one.... I have no idea why.

And some sad news - the doctor who has put many transpersons on hormones has decided to stop providing hormone replacement therapy. There's a reason why a good part of transpersons in Copenhagen got hormones from him - Sexologisk Klinik rarely accept people as transgender, let alone put them on hormones. If you've ever gotten any form of help from the psychiatric system in Denmark while being transgender, Sexologisk Klinik won't accept you because they see you as mentally unstable - despite getting the help from the psychiatric system many years ago.
I have a diagnosis and have spent a good while in the system, so unless they change their rules soon (their rules haven't changed since they opened their clinic 25 years ago), I will probably never get on testosterone again, unless I do something illegal to get them.
Those who have gotten their hormones from the mentioned doctor above for 5 years - they're forced to go off estrogen/testosterone for at least a year until Sexologisk Klinik "decides" if they're "trans enough" to go on hormones again. Even if they've been on hormones for years and have only gotten happier - they will still be forced to quit for at least a year.
I can't really manage thinking about my own situation - the doctor I mentioned above was the one who gave me my testosterone prescription, and the chance of me ever getting accepted at Sexologisk Klinik is so small. I'm trying not to think about it at all right now because I'm already under a lot of stress and this will not help in any way at all. I'm just going to avoid thinking about it as good as I can.

I'm okay right at this moment, I feel content and it's probably because I was together with Jonas. And as you can guess, I called the rawfood-thing off for now, but hopefully I can do it soon.
I can't sleep, so I'm thinking about finishing a painting I've worked on, write a little if I can get the right words out, do a light workout or maybe writing a new entry with a theme. Let's see if I actually get to do one of the things, I rarely don't.

Et la mer avait embrassé moi.

I'm just thinking about a lot of different things, and I think it might be good to just write it down. This is really most of all just a "note to self", if I can call it that.

One thing I'm thinking about is strange. I'd honestly like to know how others see and read me, because right now I have no idea how others percieve me. I have a lot of different sides just like anyone else, but I'm just wondering if the things they think of me differs from how I percieve myself.
One thing I'm more or less sure of is that some read me as willing to hear them out and caring about others. I know some do that, but I don't really know anything else.
I'm also thinking a little bit about how I see myself. Sometimes it can be hard for me to point out what "the real me" is, and what is actually the illness. When I'm feeling good, I'm very much able to point the two different sides of me out and see the difference between my real self and the illness. When I'm not feeling good, it's more of a blurred line that defines the two parts of me and I can never really figure out what this and that is.
But what people think of me, both those who just talk with me for an hour and those who have been in my life for years, I wonder what they think of me, what kind of person they see me as.

Also, I'm thinking about getting older and what life will be like when I'm 30+, what I want and what I can get out of life. I can't have children, neither biological nor adopting. When I was younger, I never wanted to have children at all, but the thought has grown on me for the last year or so. I actually do want to have kids one day, but in order to do that I will have to sacrifice my own mental health in trying to get them.
If I were to get biological children, I would have to go on estrogen for a few months in order to freeze down biological matters for a surrogate mother. I was faced with this option last year, which was a hard and mentally exhausting thing to face when you're only 18. I knew that if I went on a estrogen for even just a few months, I would most likely end up killing myself, so I passed it down.
I can't adopt children because I have a diagnosis. Not that I want to have kids anywhere in the next many years, but it's still something that concerns me. If I were to have kids, I'd be around 30.

A thing that I'm both happy and sad about is that one of my roommates, Emma, told me that she's moving out in 2 months. I'm really happy for her because she has struggled with many things and has come so far in life and she is finally ready to live on her own. A small part of me is sad and disappointed in myself because I moved in before her in the previous house and left that house to move to this instead before her, and now I'm told I have to stay for another year while she's ready to "be set free". When she leaves, then I'm the only one left of the bunch we started out as - everyone is living on their own. And at that time, I'd still have a year more to spend here.
I guess I'm just disappointed in myself that I haven't gotten better like most of them have, that while they're out living regular lives I will still be stuck here in old patterns.
No doubt that I'm happy and extremely proud of her to get so well in just 2 years, no doubt at all. It's just myself I see as a problem.
And now we're at it, I'm put under a lot of pressure right now here in this house. I am beyond broke and have a 8000 DKK-debt because I can't pay rent due to my lack of money, and I've pretty much been told that I have a week to pay back or else I might get kicked out. It's not the residency's choice, but the munipacity. They don't think I'm willing to coporate with them.
They don't think I'm willing to coporate with them because I can't just sleep and wake up at normal times of the day, because I can't just get out and get an education or a job. Because I haven't done enough progress, because I haven't gotten as much better as they'd want me to be.

I just feel like I don't have any sort of control over what's happening in my life on top of the things that is going on inside my head. The loneliness I can't seem to shake of is starting to get worse, and my relations to Sputnik is coming back. That I can see everyone around me and I can call out to them, but never get any signals back while being in a whole different sphere than the rest and watching them from the distance. I'm down to exactly 47 kg and old habits are kicking in, but right now I just need this in order to cope with everything else. I can't deal with the things happening in my life and I can't deal with my dysphoria.

I've had a pretty intense headache that wouldn't go away despite taking some extra painkillers, an upset stomach and felt tired all day, and right now my heart is beating really fast and loud despite sitting completely still. I think I'm off to paint and listen to some relaxing music now. I know this entry has been really negative, but I should also say that I'm okay, I just needed to get some things out.

Everytime I rise I see you falling.

Today is the second day in a row that I've eaten sushi. And just to top it off - it was free. And there was Chinese food, too. And I got a ride to the restaurant and back home. I feel lucky.

Yesterday was nice, I went to a café with Emilia and drank some coffee and later we headed to one of my favorite sushi restaurants. I just had a good time with her, despite ending up so full that it hurt to just walk. I know I might mention Emilia a bit often, but she's the person I spend most of my time with so I always feel weird I haven't seen her in just a few days... We've been friends for three years now, and in the last two of them we just started seeing each other more and gradually became close friends. I know it's weird to say, but she's probably somehow one of the persons in my life that holds me together in a way. She's a big support, an amazing fool and a confidential, dear friend.

And today I've been out at another restaurant to celebrate and say goodbye to Mikkel because he moved out yesterday. I had a good time and the food was delicious. When I came home, Emma and I held a competition to see who could get to wear the most clothing items in 10 minutes. She managed to wear 22 different pieces of clothing, so yeah... she won, haha. It was beautiful.
I also learned that wearing 4 pairs of skinny jeans at the same time makes it pretty painful to walk around in.

Tomorrow I'm officially starting the rawfood-week, and I'm actually a bit excited to see how it'll turn out. The worst part is that I can't drink coffee though... I really hope it'll help with my immune system because I'm still slightly sick and it feels like ages since my body has been "normal".
I've found a raw "lasagna" recipe that I'm gonna try out one of these days, hoping for the best!

But yeah, I think these two days have been really nice. Other than I accidentally cut my hair in the strangest haircut and I now have to cover it with a headpiece everytime I walk outside, lol. Maybe I should just chop the rest of it off so it can grow out even. (It's only my bangs that are "long", the rest of my head is currently 30 mm.. Yes, even the crown of my head. I don't even know what I was thinking. Or if I was thinking.)
But I'm in a calm, nice mood right now, so everything feels okay.

Black eyed.

I'm thinking about giving rawfoodism a try for a week or two, just to see how it is and if it changes anything compared to my eating habits at the moment. My health has been kind of fucked for a while, I keep getting sick and my stomach keeps acting up, so I'm just going to see if it changes any of that. Maybe it will also give me some motivation to prepare more nutritional meals, so I think I'm gonna give it a go for just a little while.
I've thought about going vegan for a good while, and I think I'll try it out after Christmas. I actually don't think it'll be hard at all since I rarely eat meat/dairy products anyway.
I also hope that it might improve my mood, I've read that many of those who switch to rawfoodism tend to feel more positive and energic in comparison to their prior eating habits.

I was supposed to start up on testosterone again this week and I did use one of the satchets with testogel one of the days, but I realised that this is just not the time for me to start up again. I need to feel just a bit better before going on hormones again and I need to have more control over my daily life, because right now it doesn't really have a path or point of any ways.
It's kind of sad to realise since my dysphoria is way more overwhelming and painful than it normally is these weeks. It's always there, some days it's not that bad and it's something I can live with despite the pain, but then there are times like this where it gets out of control.

On another note, I'm scared of relapsing. I don't remember self-harming any time in 2012, but the urge to do it still comes once in a while. These days I've been thinking about it a lot. The following might be slightly triggering.
When I get the urge to self-harm, I usually see it in a sort of mental picture. I always have a specific place where I need to do it, like an exact spot on my thigh or a line across my hip. I always "see" how the wounds need to be, how deep they should be and how close to each other they should end up. Once the pictures pop up in my head, it's difficult for them to leave unless I act on them.
I'm dealing quite bad with those pictures these days and I can't really snap out of them. I haven't harmed myself for so long, so on one side I feel like it's okay for me to do it just this time, but on the other side I haven't done it for so long that it would be like self-sabotaging if I did end up doing it.

I'm not feeling good, I feel that loneliness I've mentioned before, I feel dysphoric and I feel awfully tired despite not being able to sleep.

And when I'm brave enough and find a clever way to kick him out.

I changed my layout. Kind of half-assed, but I just needed something a bit more simple than the one I had before, since it was a tad difficult to read the things I wrote because of the colours.

I had an appointment with my shrink yesterday and it helped a bit with the numbness I wrote about in the last entry, which is good.
I've been in an odd place today though. I've had different thoughts and emotions which is good, despite that they haven't been pleasant. I've felt lonely most of the day and a bit good-for-nothing. I was supposed to see two different people today, but somehow both get-togethers ended up being cancelled by them.
Right now I feel a bit entwined in something I can't quite put my finger on. I guess it's the thoughts about myself and about hypothetical actions.

 

and when I let him in I feel my stitches getting sicker

I try to wash him out but like she said, the blood is thicker

I see my mother in my face

but only when I travel

I run as fast as I can run

but Jack comes tumbling after

I should have seen the light, but the lights were shining way too bright and the noise was filling up my mind.

This is the view from one of my windows, the one facing a cemetery. It's kind of weird to look out of the window and see gravestones facing you everyday, but you get used to it. It was kind of sad though, a few days ago I looked outside right after waking up, and there's this elderly man standing in front of one of the stones for a brief second before he smiled and waved goodbye. It kind of stuck inside me for the next few hours.

I've spent the last few days on being ill. I'm growing more or less insane because of it, and right now I'm in that "I need to get out and get away from these 4 walls"-mode. Originally I had planned to attend this concert/competition this Saturday to root for two of my friends who were performing, but I was too sick to go. They're attending again next Saturday, so hopefully I'm up and fresh enough to come. It's a competition for aspiring rappers, and I really think they can shake things up a bit since their songs aren't about the typical rap-subjects, so to say.

I'm getting these splurts of loneliness these days, mostly just lasting for about half an hour or so. I can manage it, it's just a bit annoying since they tend to hit me at the most random times. When I'm buying groceries, walking around in the house, even when I'm hanging out with people - it's just that feeling that you're completely alone, like there's a layer of cement around you and no one can get in. It's not thoughts about being alone or lonely, but solely a feeling that borders on being close to physical. It's annoying and uncomfortable, but they pass after a while. It's most annoying when I'm actually around others and in conversations.
But I don't really know much these days. Overall I just feel very plain and neutral, but to a point where it's actually not nice anymore. I don't really have many emotions lately and I guess I'm feeling a bit blank and hollow. But again, I'm not feeling sad, depressed or anything bad. I just don't feel any joy or good feelings either. It's a close resemble to when I was on antidepressants, actually.

Since I don't really have many things to write about these days, I'm thinking about doing some "theme"-entries instead. I've thought about making an entry about my father, since it's only a few people who actually knows about him and it's mostly just the surface I've told. I've also thought about an entry about drugs, and an entry about the months where I was hospitalized in 2009-2010. It's actually just about exactly 3 years since I was permitted. It was around the end of October, 2009. Weird.

City lights lay out before us and your arm felt nice wrapped around my shoulder, and I had a feeling that I belong, and I had a feeling that I could be someone.

I don't know why I'm yellow-ish near my nose and neck, but apparently I can't edit it away. Also, one thing I find weird is that I tend to get a visible cheekbone in pictures - but only one, never both cheekbones. It's weird.

I've hung out with Laura today, it's always nice to see her. We went out and walked around Frederiksberg Have for a good while. Everything is so beautiful at this time of the year. I think Autumn has really grown on me, all the colours and the leaves going everywhere is a simple treat to the eye. At 6 PM and it's already dark outside, I guess it's safe to say that winter is nearing. 

I went out with Emilia this weekend and I had so much fun. I also ended up really drunk, haven't been in that state for over at least a year. At first we just sat on a staircase near Istedgade* (I guess that's kind of creepy), and then we decided to head to a gay bar called Cosy. I don't dance when I'm sober, I have to get really drunk to get on the dancefloor... That did happen, and I think we spent a lot of the night dancing to lame music. When Gangnam Style was played, everybody did the horsedance, haha.
When I got home at 5 AM I ended up falling asleep on my bathroom floor (I don't even know why and how) and woke up when Mikkel knocked on the door and asked if I was okay. Apparently I slept there for a few hours, because it was sunny outside when I woke up... I don't even know. ( I should just add that the bathroom I'm talking about is the smallest bathroom you'll ever find. I have no idea how I could even lay down...)

I was stupid enough to drift off for an hour earlier, so I'm thinking about going for a long midnight walk soon. I don't really have anything else to do, so I think it's better to get moving and tire myself a bit so I can fall asleep instead of spending hours online. I'd prefer someone to keep me at company while walking, but that's not really going to happen at this time of the evening. I'm just going to suck it up and enjoy it alone then, but it's going to be nice to get more fresh air. I think I'll just let my feet wander and see where I end up at.

You know I'd leave it alone.

So I went to Tisvilde and I had a really great time there. I spent the evenings on laughing and chilling in front of the fireplace, looking at stars and having fun with my roommates. Overall it was just a really great trip and I had a lot of fun. Mikkel, Stefan and I went to the nearby seashore and looked at the waves on the first evening we were there. Very spontanously, it ended up like this....

It was lots of fun. It actually wasn't as cold as I thought it would be. At least not in the water, but when we got up on land again it felt like my legs were about to fall off, haha. Even though I'm sick now and the cause of it is probably that, it was all worth it. I haven't felt so alive in ages. (and strangely enough, that was also something to do with being cold. Laid in the snow a few years ago.)
(The music was Mikkel's suggestion btw.)

 My boyfriend is currently hospitalized, and I'm both happy that he is but it also makes my heart clench. I'm really happy that he's hospitalized because he's finally getting the help he needs, but it saddens me to see how much pain he is in. I miss him a lot, I have only seen him once this week for approximately 15 minutes. It's very hard on me which results in me behaving badly because of that. I'm going to see him tomorrow though, and later on I'll hang out with Emilia.

My own mental state isn't that great these days, and bad thoughts are starting to come back. It's not fun to wake up and the first thought in your head is how horrible a person you are and how there's no point in your life. I'm feeling lonely these days and I feel a lot of frustration and anger because of some situations in my life. The moods are something I can handle, but the thoughts aren't really.

But what did you expect?

I'm going to nomansland (also known as Tisvildeleje) from Sunday to Tuesday. It's a very small shed my residency owns, close to the seashore and far away from everything. I'm looking forward to it, I'm going to bring my telescopein the hopes of the weather will be okay so I can look at the stars at night time. I will probably also go for many long walks on the shore and warm up in front of the fireplace in the evenings. Some of my roommates are going too, and I'm looking forward to spend time with them since I haven't really talked with any of them for a long time despite living under the same roof. 


I'm starting to realise that I might be falling back into old habits and it's a scary thought. It's not normal to think about stuff like this most of the hours you're awake, it's not normal to keep yourself up at night because you need to finish off so you're "allowed" to give sleeping a try. I end up lying when I'm asked about the matter, and that's not okay in any way. A part of me thinks that what I'm doing is completely acceptable and far from being an issue, while the other and less dominating part is worried and scared. The last week I've been asked around everyday about it or been told that people are worried, and I keep shrugging it off because the dominant part of it is convinced that it's not serious. I honestly don't know if the submissive part of me is just being a complete dramaqueen or if it actually is something I should worry about and my head is just a mess right now when thinking about that particular subject.

I'll try to wake up earlier tomorrow so I can actually be active in the daytimes. I'm thinking about taking a long stroll through Copenhagen, like going to the top of Rundetårn and walk past Søerne and the like. If I actually manage to wake up early enough, I'm going to ask Emilia if she wants to go with me. I haven't had any contact with her today, feels weird. (sometimes I understand why people mistake us for a couple... but holy fuck, so wrong, so fucking wrong, hahaha!)

Thoughts about future and needs.

Now when I'm in such a good mood, I'm starting to think a lot about my future, what I want and what I need to do. It somehow seems much more easy to overcome and start up on, but I think that's make sense with feeling good.
I want to start doing something again, something productive, but also something that falls within my interests. This is something more short-term than the rest. But I just want to start doing something again, school or anything alike. Something that I won't feel like I've wasted time on after I'm done with it.
I don't remember if I wrote about this before, but I'm starting to think about - far out in the future though - to aim after a dietician degree. It's just a thought I'm playing around with for the moment, it's certainly not sure that I'll decide for it at all. But I'm thinking about it. My brother has a degree as a dietician, but decided later on that it wasn't what he wanted to do with his life. I might call him soon and just hear a little about his experiences with it and how it exactly works.
For now I need simple cash, and the money-help doesn't really seem to go anywhere. Even though I might rush into things and it can backfire, I'm thinking about getting a job. Just a few hours a few days each week to start with if possible at all to maintain this mindset and if it's possible to find a place to work. I'm scared that I might fall back if I rush into anything too quickly, but I'm also scared that I will fall back if I don't do anything else than spending time at home and with my friends due to the lack of structure for each day. If this mood continues into next week, I think I'm gonna contact my study guidance and hear her out.Getting a paycheck from whatever work that needs a need employee will be great.
Though it's not realistic right now, I'd like to be able to put money aside for my transition. I have to much debt to do that. But I want to start up again as soon as possible.

Transition-wise... I'm really looking forward for my voice to go deeper again. It dropped a bit the few months I was on T, but not a lot (after all, it was just a few months.) It still sounds female, but just a little lower than it was before I ever had tried testogel. But the voice is something I can't wait for, because I honestly want to smack myself in the face when I talk to people I don't know because of it.
I'd like to start saving up for top surgery (if it was possible for me to save up right now). Honestly I'm just really looking forward to the day they are gone. I'm looking forward to feeling comfortable with upper body naked. When I was on testosterone, they shrank quite a bit and I weighed more at that point, so I wonder how it will be when I start on it again at this weight..
My psychiatrist has told the staff at my residency (which they told me) that the reasons to my mental problems all stems from my gender identity, which I also don't doubt at all. The previous time I had a check-up with him, he told me that not being on hormones and continuing my transition just fuels my mental issues and basically "hurried" me into starting on T again. The last time I saw him about 2 weeks ago, I told him I hadn't come further into it, and then he told me that he wanted to slap me (meant with care, though!).
It's really about time for me to start up again. Really. I'm blocking myself from feeling the best I can about myself, by not being on it.
As soon as I quit smoking, I'm going back. (Hopefully that'll turn out to be soon.) I'm more or less just really fucking excited about that.

Moodwise, I'm doing really great. I'm trying out positive thinking as good as I can and think rationally about details that I might get sucked into. The things aren't even things that will matter for my future most of my time, then why put so many thoughts into it? It's working quite good. 
I have to keep focusing on the positive things in life and enjoy them instead of turning them into bad things.

Also, it's nice being able to think rationally about the future without wanting to be non-existent for a change. I'm actually looking forward to things right now.

She knew his look from behind.

A few days ago, Emilia and I played around with long shutterspeed effects in a park during the evening. Some of them turned out really creepy and ghostlike (and some of them were hilarious). But I kind of like this shot that Emilia took of me and my shutterspeed-twin.

I'm still enjoying the positivity, despite not having any plans today which kind of amazes me. Somehow I feel like this is where I'm supposed to fall back abit, but I haven't and it's all great. I plan on doing some cleaning and decorating some parts of my room later. For an example, I'll make a lifesize Sputnik in cardboard and hang over my bed, hopefully it'll turn out good. I'll also finish the painting I'm working on so it can come up on my wall soon and start on something new.

Tomorrow I'm going to eat dinner with my mum and my boyfriend. It's a long time ago since I actually had an evening with her, so I'm looking forward to it. We're going to have lasagna, which is just even a bigger bonus. I've eaten that very often lately... I'm also down to 49,8 kg now, despite eating a lot of junk these days. Kind of odd. I'm starting to think about joining some sort of exercise classes so I can bulk up a little. Still really wanting to get nice abs and shoulders. I don't really know, I just want to start something so I have something to look forward to a few days a week. Maybe art classes?

Overall I'm doing mighty fine and all is good. I might update later if I finish that painting I mentioned. I know my entries are boring like this, but I think it's important that I also update when I feel good, so I can read back and see that I can be "normal" and not overthink all the time, haha.

I'm only as tall as my heart will let me be, and I'm only as small as the world will make me seem.

I've had four really good days and my mood has been really great and surplus-y. It's been really great.
I've been busy and had a lot of things to do, so I've kept myself at pace. I've met up with my sister, hugn out with Emilia a few times, seen my therapist, made dinner for 8 people, had one of the most cozy evenings in a long time with my boyfriend, managed to go shopping without hitting and/or killing someone, and today spent time at Ikea for a few hours shopping equipments with some roommates. I should mention that clothes shopping is one thing I avoid out of hate, and the same goes for Ikea trips. I also fell asleep at 11 PM one of the days. Success!
I don't know what has happened to my mood and energy these days, but it's been fantastic.

I was supposed to go to a meeting about my economy yesterday, but when we got there, they told me - second time in a row without informing me - that they had moved my appointment. I don't understand why they can't just inform me before the meeting that it's been cancelled.. And also, a thing that enrages me... The meeting is near the end of this month. There's a reason why I'm having that meeting, it's kind of urgent because living without money is not realistic. They should really get their shit together when it's something acute... I know others from other municipaties that are in the exact same spot as me right at the moment.

With my recent weightloss, I've managed to actually loose enough to be completely flat when wearing my binder. It's an amazing feeling to see yourself completely flat-chested in the mirror, despite the torso pain after a few hours of wearing it, but it's all worth it. Despite being small, I've always had a slight bump even when wearing my binder, but it's pretty much gone now.
I'm looking forward to the day that I get top surgery done. I'm lucky enough to be a candidate for a "keyhole incision" as it's called, but unfortunate enough to live in Denmark where no one performs such an operation.. There's not that many surgeons who does it apparently, and I'd prefer not to have a bilateral incision (the surgery where you get scars across your chest) if it's possible. I'm aching for the day to come, even though it's years ahead of me.
My psychiatrist wants me to try getting through at Sexologisk Klinik, but I'm far from keen on it. I've heard and known a lot of people who has been harassed and been looked down upon from the professionals, and it's nothing I want to experience. Second of all, I'm not allowed because I have a diagnosis and if you have ever been in the psychiatric system, you're seen as a lunatic and like you don't know what you're really doing (need to point out that this is what I've heard from others, I have never had any treatment through Sexologisk Klinik, but another place). But he thinks I should try it out, that it wouldn't hurt which might be true. If I could start treatment in their care, they'll pay for the hormones and surgeries.. My inheritance was meant for my transition, but because I haven't had any kind of income for so long, I've been more or less forced to live off that.. So there goes the money meant for hormones and top surgery.
I guess it wouldn't hurt trying to see if I could even get accepted into their care (because of the diagnosis), but I need to think it over. My psychiatrist is on my side and will try to defend me as much as possible if they can't look past the diagnosis, since it actually was a wrong diagnosis they gave me when I was hospitalized. He has promised me that he'll try as much as possible.  to convince them to help me out.

Within the next few months, there'll be a lot of moving around at my residency. I'm really sad that Mikkel is moving, but I'm also really happy for him. He really deserves it! Askur is moving too, and even though I haven't talked with him much for the last months, it'll be weird without him because I have some great memories with him and I worry alot about him. Camilla moved out yesterday, after spending 3 years here in total. I wish them all the best of luck for the future. When thinking about it, the "old crew"has kind of vanished. Loop, Jonas, Laura, Camilla, Nanna and Stefan moved out, and now Askur. It's actually only Emma and I that are left from "the old crew", so to say. Emma and I have been closest, since she moved in not much longer after I moved in 2 years ago in the previous house and we kind of followed each other through thick and thin from day 1. Sometimes we have late night-talks about how much we've changed, both of us, from back then to now.
Back then I was a self-harming, confused, self-loathing, scared kid who abused myself in as many actions possible. Even though I write a lot about depression and suicide on this blog and still battles it, I've moved a long way and in the right direction. It's not nearly as bad as it was back then, far from it, and I can see it in a better view now.
Back then, I self-harmed more or less daily, smoked too much weed, tried to fuck the things I had on my mind away which always backfired and made me end up feeling worthless, drank too often, didn't understand why I couldn't be happy with the body I'm in, relied too much on others and was very unstable in my mood.
Now I don't self-harm in any way at all, I rarely smoke weed (once a month, maybe), I have a steady relationship without relying too much on him, very rarely drink alcohol (once every 3rd month?), I'm out as transgender and hopefully re-starting my transition soon, and I'm better at controlling myself and actions. I'm still depressed, but when looking back, I've changed an awful lot and I need to remind myself of that. If I'm depressed, I tend to think I haven't changed at all, but that's not true - quite the contrary actually.
Wow, this feels all awkward to write. That person I was just 2 years ago is nothing like the person I am today in any way, so it feels weird to write it down like that and comparing. Really fucking weird and awkward.
But I'm much more whole, subtle-minded and closer to happiness than I was back then, even though life can be the thing I want out of the most sometimes. I'm definitely treating myself more like a humanbeing now.

I've bought "The Easy Way To Stop Smoking", so I'm gonna give it a go one of these days. I've also realised that I don't even enjoy cigarettes anymore, I honestly don't remember the last time I enjoyed one... They're all out of habit now. Waking up-cigarette, coffee-cigarette, boredom-cigarette, waiting-cigarette, after meal-cigarette etc... None of them are actual pleasures anymore, so what's the point in it? I would also like my lungs to be better so I will be able to last longer when exercising and just my general health - and economy. It also makes it easier that Emma stopped a week ago and Emilia is stopping soon. This time will be it!

A thousand years in perfect symmetry.

There are small things in life that makes living more comfortable. Some of them are so small that it's almost ridiculous, but they still put a smile on my face. Like watching Pingu at 6 AM.
I actually got a Pingu hoodie as a birthday present once. It's only 3 years ago, haha. I still wouldn't mind having a Pingu hoodie... Pingu and Moomin are my childhood loves.
Another small thing that makes me smile; I came home from my boyfriend last night around midnight, with only a few cigarettes left and bummed out because of that. When I get up to my room, someone has taped a pack of cigarettes to my door with a note saying "my friend" and a happy smiley, and I have no clue why and who it is. I suspect Mikkel as the culprit, because it seems like his handwriting, and it just made me smile. He's a great friend.


Yesterday was a lovely evening full of warmth spent with my boyfriend and his family. He was okay and on the surface yesterday, which was really lovely. It always makes me happy when he's okay.
Tonight I'm going to visit my sister and play Project Zero, which I'm looking forward to. It's been my favorite game for years, mainly because Cecil and I always played it when we were younger. I haven't seen her in over a year, and I miss her so much. We live 3 hours away from each other, and the train ticket costs around 800 DKK. Both being broke all the time and with her having plans every weekend, it's hard to find room for seeing each other.

I've thought about stretching my lobes more, but I'm scared that I'll get "butterfly ears". I'm at 16mm and have stayed there for a long time, but I kind of want to get them up to 20mm. Doesn't make it any better that Jonas recently bought a 22mm expander. Very tempting. I'm not keen on butterfly ears, and I'll probably get that if I go bigger.. Or it might be because of the tunnels I have atm, the rim is kind of big and makes my ears look weird.
And on the subject of bodymod, I've decided that the mermaid is going to be tattooed on my side. It's out in the future though, because it's going to be a rather big tattoo (going from about 8 cm below my armpit to the middle of my hip), so there's no way I can afford that at the moment. I also need to think it through, because of a backpiece I want in the future.. 
It also just hit me that it might not be a good idea to get it before getting top surgery. I can't wear a binder for two weeks after getting the tattoo, so it's not a good idea, really.

I've also started to get a Michael Strunge obsession... Again. He's my favorite writer.

Væbnet med disse
ordenes vinger
står jeg
parat til at svæve.

Jeg kaster mig ud
fra krystaltårnet
og spænder mig ud
over horisonten
med hjernen i verdens hjerte.

Gennem mørke, gennem lys
gennem lysende byer i nat.
Gennem drømme, gennem følelser
gennem følende landskaber i nu -
gennem døgnet går min flugt
gennem uret, gennem synet.

- Michael Strunge, 1984

(He committed suicide in 1986, just two years after that poem, by jumping out of his window. "Væbnet med vinger" (which means "armed with wings") is written on his gravestone. Might go for a walk through Assistenskirkegården soon.)

Det blanke hav.

Right now I'm oozing over with feelings of being happy and cheesy. In the want-to-dance-around-while-listening-to-the-Cure-and-laugh-about-everything-sense. Big smiles and happy thoughts because I'm seeing Jonas tomorrow and I haven't seen him in close to a week (our plans kept fucking up every day we planned to see each other), so I'm excited and looking forward to that.
It might seem kind of ridiculous (which might be true), but we've seen each other close to everyday since we first met (we were roomies to begin with), so 6 days without meeting up are a long time for us.
Though it's annoying that I'm so excited about seeing him again that I can't fall asleep. But smiling and feeling glad is a wonderful feeling.

I'm starting to have a weird fascination with the ocean. Kind of strange.. I often get a fascination with random things, but this one is really starting to show its trail. The painting I'm working on right now is inspired by the ocean, a draft I'm writing is about the ocean, the poem I'm obsessed with right now is about the ocean, and the song I'm listening to the most these days is about the ocean. I also have an urge to go to the beach and watch the waves for a few hours. I guess my mind is full of water.

I also had a headache that lasted about 16 hours yesterday. As you might guess, painkillers didn't work.

(This was kind of a strange entry...)

And all you can hear is the sound of your own heart, and all you can feel is your lungs flood and the blood course.

Obviously not my photo, but I found it on another site and fell in love with it.

I had to walk out in the pouring (!!) rain while wearing a broken jacket because I needed my nicotine fix and didn't have any cigarettes. The last few days I've been feeling really cold and unable to warm up properly, so I've been tugging up under my duvet and sweaters to warm up for an hour now, and my hands are still icy. Full-blown autumn is really starting to come closer, and I'm looking forward to it. At 8 PM it's completely pitch-black outside now, and the weather is definitely colder now than just a month ago. I don't know why I'm looking forward to Autumn, I guess it's the colours and the fresh wind and all the layers of comfy clothes.

Right this moment I'm feeling demotivated and tired of things aswell as myself. I haven't had an income since February, which is many months considering that I have to pay rent, food and basic household items for myself. I've been living off the inheritance from my father's death those months, trying to get better so I could get a job or get my paperwork through to the municipality so I could get cash assistance until I can manage a job. I don't have many money left from my inheritance anymore, and I just got told that I have to try again (it's the fourth time I'm trying) with the cash assistance because things fucked up. Now I have to wait another month or two, just to see if I actually can get some sort of help with my economy, which isn't even certain that I can because my case is kind of weird.
I haven't been able to pay rent for two months now, and now October is nearing and I still can't afford it, so I have a 6000 DKK debt that I can't pay at the moment. I have a jacket which is broken and the weather is getting colder and colder, but I can't afford buying a new one because I have to use as little money as possible. And to top with the cherry on the cake, my boyfriend currently lives a place that costs me 100 DKK each time I have to take the train to go see him. Seeing him three times a week = 300 DKK (about 50 USD), and his mental state is too low for him to manage to go outside of the house, so it's me who has to go every time (his illness makes it hard for him to be alone and can eventually get worse if he's left alone even for a few hours, so it's important for me to be there as often as possible).
I hate adult life, and I hate that I can't just "snap out" of everything and get better so I could just get a job and have a normal income. Even a class that didn't care that I came hours too late or if I just wanted to sit alone and do nothing all day in that class was something I couldn't manage to wake up and go to. The past 5 classes I've had has eventually been something I've dropped out of because of my mental state. Friendships are something I've dropped out of because of this, and I just want to be able to keep up with normal, daily activities like the rest of my peers and not obsess over negative thoughts in my head. I just want a somewhat normal life. I want to be able to have a job I can manage to wake up to and actually go to and put all my efforts into without stressing myself.

My economy is a mess, my head is a mess, my body is a mess, even my room is a mess. I'm generally just tired of myself. I have no control over anything happening in my life (well, except my room). I can't even figure out the plans for tomorrow because everything changes all the time, whether it's something as small as a person having to cancel our plans for meeting up or me having a really bad day and can't get out of bed, or something as my boyfriend having a horrible day inside his head so I have to hurry up and comfort him as soon as possible so he doesn't feel alone or get worse/does something he shouldn't do. Such small things like shopping at the nearest grocery store and finding out that they don't have one of the products in stock that I had planned to buy is even starting to freak me out completely now to the point where I put all the other products back on the shelves and head home emptyhanded because just one thing on the list of things I needed wasn't there. I have no power over anything, I don't even have control over my own mind and days. To make it even better, my body is acting really strange these days which is something I can't control either, so I have to get an appointment for a doctor soon, both for current and old issues that I've postponed for a year.
 I'm tired of everything and I'm tired of how my head works. I'm tired of still not being able to understand my own head after all these years. I'm tired of having this illness to follow me everywhere I go and I'm tired of thoughts that after almost a decade still sticks around and never dares to leave me and I hate that it affects me so much that I haven't been able to run a normal life (being able to go to school everyday as the other kids and even have a job on the side) since I was 14. I hate that it hasn't changed since then.  

I won't be able to fall asleep for the next while (it's 3:45 AM), so I'm going to drink some decaf-coffee and smoke some cigarettes until I find some rest in my head. Will probably try to pick up my brushes and try painting again, too. 

Right now I feel like walking down to the beach and watch the tide for a while.

And I would have stayed up with you all night, had I known how to save a life.

One of my brother's best friends through many years committed suicide a few days ago, and it plants a lot of thoughts in my head. He jumped from a secured roof top near Nørrebro around noon. Before he jumped, he wrote a message to two of his friends that he was going to jump, and it had nothing to do with them at all, but it was something he had chosen. The police arrived too late. He was 29 years old.

I wonder if it's ever possible to actually talk someone suicidal from taking their own life. Personally, I think that once you're set on the decision, no one can convince you to stay breathing. It's something the suicidal person have to convince themselves about, that they actually should stay alive. That no one can "save" you, their acts and words might help the person to finding the will to live, but most importantly the person needs to find their own values in life.
I just read that one million people takes their own life every year. It's a scary statistic, because that's a lot. It scares me that so many people have been pushed so close to the limit and ended up making the final decision. It scares me that I know so many who have tried to commit suicide and even more who have contemplated taking their lives. It also scares me that I'm contemplating for soon a decade.. If 1 million people actually take their lives in just a year, then how many consider it on a daily basis?
Many of my friends have attempted suicide, some of them more than once. I have a friend who's ex-girlfriend killed herself a few years ago, she was only 15 years old. I'm scared of ever losing someone. Some of those I know who've attempted or considered it are some of the most beautiful and heartfelt humans I've known. I wish I could take everything out of them and let them be content.
It's all so hypocritical of me to preach life when I haven't even found out my values for being here. But I hope everyone I know will stay...
There's a person in my life is having a really hard time and can't manage living, but he has told me that he wouldn't do it because he's been told to never quit. He doesn't want to be here, but I'm proud of him that he continues his fight and battles. It hurts to see him in so much pain, and I wish I could do something to help him, but it's not possible. I can comfort and try to be as much around his as possible, but I will never be able to take his illness out of him.

I wonder how the act of dying feels like, physically speaking. I wonder what really happens when you leave. I've always believed in reincarnation, but you never know and you probably never will. Maybe that's not really something to think about. The important thing is that you're here and still breathing. 

All the uninteresting random facts.

I nibble on my bedsheets most of the time when I'm covered in them. It gives me a calm feeling inside, I don't really know why though.

I really like Finland. I went to Helsinki in 2010, and I've wanted to go back ever since. I think it's a beautiful city, and I felt so comfortable there. It's definitely one of my favorite places of the places I've travelled, but it's hard to find a Dane who also wants to go to Finland. When Danes travel, it's rarely in Scandinavia they go.

I've been together with my boyfriend for close to 16 months. We started out as roommates, which turned to close friends, then a brotherly friendship, and... then dating. Kind of a weird road it went, haha. Our first kiss was actually as unromantic as it could get. Both of us being drunk with fellow roommates, sitting on a bench and - as far as I remember - got a dare to kiss each other. We were both completely freaked out the day after, and promised to never kiss again.... (things like "I just kissed my "brother", what the fuck is wrong with us!?" were thrown from both of us, hahaha) Guess you can call that off. We're also engaged.

My all-time favorite song is "Boys Don't Cry", made by The Cure. It has been that for years now, it was even the first thing I got tattooed on my body. I actually don't listen to it often, but it's the one song that means the most to me.

I have a phobia of milk. I must say that it has gotten a lot better than it used to be. There was a time where I couldn't even touch a milk carton without feeling sick to my stomach. Now I can splash a small amount of it in my coffee if I don't have any soymilk, so it's really gotten better. But if I get just a dribble of milk on my hand, I freak out.

I don't drink very often. I've put the "club life" behind me, because I feel like I've gotten what I wanted from it and I don't find it interesting anymore. I went clubbing a lot in the past at a gay club called Club Christopher, and it's not really what I want anymore. When I do drink, it's with friends at cozy places like parks where we can talk and enjoy ourselves.

I once cut my vein up by accident. I used to self-harm a lot in the past, and ironically enough, the one time I didn't hurt myself as a "suicide preperation", I cut my vein up accidentally. It was definitely one of the most frightening things I've tried. Most of all because of the shock, because there suddenly was a  stream of red spurting 2 meters from my wrist, pulsing in unison with my heartbeat. Not fun to come home from the emergency room and see random blood stains across the room.

If I'm outside walking with people, I need them to walk on my left side. Most of my friends know this and automatically walks on that side by now. It's really weird and I don't know why it has to be like that, but if people walk on the right side of me, I can't concentrate once I notice that they're on "the wrong side". I can't focus on anything else than that. I feel really uncomfortable if they're on the right side of me, but it's only if we're walking that it matters.

I really dislike swans. They're violent, aggresive, and pretty much just a really scary bird. Same goes for geese.

My love for buttercreams is so strong that it can almost be classified as erotic. My boyfriend even jokes about being jealous of buttercream because of my love for it. Actually I only eat it maybe once a year, but when I do... Oh baby science have mercy on my soul. It's so good I can't even describe it. It's to the point where I can eat a complete bowl of it and still want more, with no fruit toppings or not even being inside a cake. Just... plain buttercream. That's how disgusting I am when it comes to buttercream, hahaha.

It's hard for me to keep a straight face when someone says "it wasn't what he/she said, it was how he/she said it". I actually know a person who says it quite often, and I can't bring myself to mention how lame I think that is to say. I'm sorry if I've offended anyone by writing this. But if a person tells me something, I'll take their words as they are. Why else would they say it?

I'm bad at reading aloud. I'm a fast reader, so if I have to read something aloud, I choke on the words and end up saying something different because it goes too fast. This goes both for Danish and English.

I can't ride a bike. I never really got to learn it while growing up, and when I reached puberty I thought it was embarassing to learn since you have to go outside in public to practice. If you can't ride a bike when you're 12 years old in Denmark, other kids tends to see you as weird. So I never got to learn it, but I Emilia actually tried to practice it with me. I ragequit after 5 minutes because it went so bad, hahahah.

I find imperfections attractive. If it's a mole, a small scar on the bridge of someones nose, a crooked smile, or most of what other people would call imperfections. I think that's the most beautiful parts of humans, I find it charming and generally just really attractive. It shows that they're human.

I know a lot about nutrition. It's kind of ironic since hardly follow the rules myself. My brother has a degree as a dietian, and when my eating disorder was really bad and I tried to recover, he tried to help me with the eating part for a while. I've also read a lot about it on my own, partly because of the illness and partly because I wanted to recover. Oh, and I also find it interesting.

I tend to make lame puns and jokes, inappropiate winks and/or inappropriate voices and generally just lame things. It's worst when I'm with Emilia for obvious reasons.

I was once hit in the head with a sausage. I don't think this needs any further details. (Other than the fact that I'm also phobic around sausages, which is still at the point that I can't touch plates, hands or anything that have touched a sausage. Can't even hold the packaging. Do I need to say that this whole hit-in-the-head-incident was very traumatizing for me?)

I used to have some OCD-alike behaviours. For an example, I couldn't touch coins without believing that I would get a deadly disease if I held them. That's why I mostly held them with my sleeves instead. It's many, many years ago though.

If I'm really drunk, I tend to think that it's a good idea to lay down at inappropiate places for some reason. shrubs, rain puddles, McDonald's staircases, benches, random floors (I tend to prefer the center of the floor for some reason...), stuff like that.. That usually indicates that I really shouldn't drink more. (Bonus info; when I'm drunk, I'm capable of eating everything in sight. I get the worst munchies, and everything edible gets devoured. Ironically enough, I never get the munchies when I'm high... Most of the time I actually loose my appetite for some reason.)

I need at least a 2 hours alone everyday in order to function normally. I enjoy my own company most of the time. When I'm alone, I don't have to adjust to anyone and I can be myself completely. I love being together with my friends and family, but I need a few hours each day to clear my head and just be me.

I doubt that I will ever get a completely normal relationship with food and exercise. It's like I can't be completely normal around it, either it's restriction and straining exercise or mindless junk-binging with no exercise whatsoever. My BMI has ranged from 13 at it's lowest and 22 at it's highest (I'm 18.07 on the BMI scale right now). Despite the fact that I know a lot about nutrition and what to eat in which situations and the like, I can't find the golden midway for myself yet.

I'm more scared of seeing a pencil laying on my floor than a scissor. A scissor can lay on my floor for days without me bothering to pick it up at all, but if I see a pencil laying around, I immediately pick it up. This stems from a few months ago where I stepped on a pencil, and that little beast dug so far into my toe that I had to pull it out forcefully. It was beyond painful, I can't even describe it. I laid in bed whining in pain for an hour and a half, if I remember correctly.

My favorite artist is Audrey Kawasaki. I have two tattoos of different paintings she's made, and my left arm is going to be a sleeve dedicated to her art. Her work is absolutely wonderful. (She's also the one who has painted the picture I'm using as a header right now.)

I'm an ass-guy. Boobs and chests are amazing, but nothing beats a beautiful butt..

I can write the most uninteresting things. Proof; read through this again.