Echoes.

He had seen the world. He had felt it with his hands, his heart, and he had heard the sound of heartbeats and gentle breaths. Baby laughter, the rythm of the ocean, soft skin and awkward couples. He had felt fur under his palms and heard small, satisfied purrs when he pet his old neighbor's cat as a child, and he had torn off daisy petals one by one while lying with his back against the damp grass underneath him. He had seen the eyes of strangers, the kindness of friendship and shared his passions. 
He didn't see things anymore, nor did he feel anything. A silence he couldn't shake off seemed to be the only one kept by his side, slowly empowering and coating him. Often had he wondered when his first encounter with the silence took place, but he always failed to find the answer, leaving him sleepless for days entangled in thoughts. Maybe he had always ignored the silence, maybe it had always been watching him from afar. What bothered him was that nobody seemed to be able to hear this silence, this loud and clear, distorted and vague silence of his. An all-consuming dark noise that killed all the other sounds around him. 
He had tried to fight the internal hollowness of his, but it seemed like nothing would fit, that all shapes were the wrong ones. But he had tried every shape he had ever known of, and along the road of finding this piece, he had lost hope for ever finding the missing thing inside. Maybe he was defect, maybe he was broken. He had tried to repair himself a few times, placed himself in chairs in front of faceless strangers, fumbling with his fingers and not knowing where to look when he slowly unraveled every corner of his mind. The faceless stranger would listen and nod, and evry now and then scribble down a few words. The time is up, see you next week, here's your money, thank you. Repeat. Even though he tried to sing out the silence for others, the sound grew louder, more static and violent. 
 And here he was. How long his back had been placed against the same wall in his apartment, he wasn't sure anymore. He remembered tracing the same pace for a while, trying to get the restless part of himself out, trying to kick out the thoughts that kept coming back to him. He remembered facing tiles with water running down his face onto his collarbones and pants, and the piercing light bulb swaying above his head. He had seen the traces of footprints across his bedroom floor go from wet and shiny, to non-existing as they fled through the carpet. 
 He remember biting into his knuckles in distress over not being able to get this silence out of his head, felt his world spinning before him and his insides twisting, turning themselves inside out and ejecting bile. He had felt his heart drumming so loud inside his chest, he wasn't sure it was his own he heard, he had felt a hopelessness more powerful than he had ever known of. And here he was.
 The walls in his bedroom had gone from having a dark orange glow, to black and now a dusty cobalt blue shone through his window. The town floors under him was slowly waking up, and within a while, children would head off to school singing songs and chatter with their schoolmates. Cars would purr and drive off, a new day was waiting. But when he didn't even understand the point of yesterday and the day before that, how should he welcome today? 
 Lifting himself up from the spot he had sat on for so long with realizing, his feet slowly found a way across the carpet that once felt so soft against his soles.  Arms hanging loose, he felt the wind blow against his face as he positioned himself in front of the open view. The sun was rising, birds were chirping. His feet up on the edge, rise and shine, have a nice day, see you later. He knew he wasn't big enough to house this crowd anymore. This silence only seemed to drown his screams and left him breathless, and he was tired of battling. He just wanted some rest. Sleep. 
 His fingers let go of the walls besides him, felt the embrace of the wind on his skin. The silence stopped, the pieces disappeared. Like the footprints on his carpet.

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I haven't written in... ages. Decided to just not care, and not read through it or think about it that much, I have to let go of my expectations of myself. So yup!

Become the notes that scribble down, page by page until I'm filed away.

Just found this song, it's pure and solid beauty. One of their other songs are the most listened song I have on my iTunes - I don't remember the exact number right now, but it's up around 2300 times, I think. I really like how soft the vocalist's voice is, and how soothing their music is.

My bridge piercing is no longer existing. One of the balls fell out without me noticing it, so I gave up on finding it. I haven't had just 1 single piercing alone in my face since I was... 15 or 16, I think. The most facial piercings I've had in my face at the same time was 7... 3 x labret, 1 bridge, 1 eyebrow piercing, and cheeks. I feel very naked now, hahaha! But maybe it was about time I took it out.
I've had about 21 different piercings (I'm not sure if I remember all of them, actually), and some of them have been re-pierced from time to time. I think it's close to 30 times now. Yes, I had a wild phase in my life, hahahah. (I've had angelbites, 3 x labret, navel, 4 dermals on my hips, 2 dermals the base of my neck, tongue, eyebrow, bridge, cheeks, sternum, one at the low end of my ear cartilage, septum, and 2 x lobe so I could stretch them.)
So right now, I only have 2 piercings left - septum and a tongue piercing. Oh, and stretched lobes, too... I'm not sure if I should stretch them more, though. I want them just a few mm's bigger, but I'm afraid of getting butterfly ears. -___-' Right now, they're 16 mm.
I've thought about getting a labret again... Emilia and I actually pierced me a few weeks back or so, but it went wrong and I took it out. :0

I might have to say goodbye to my silver hair for now - I really don't want to dye it another colour, but my roots won't take the colour and the bleach at all apparently. Usually when I've bleached it, the roots have always been more likely to turn more pale or white than the rest of my hair... But now, not at all. It just becomes dark yellow (lololol), and I've tried everything. Toner, silver shampoo, re-bleaching it - it just won't accept it. I haven't tried this before ever, but I guess I have to throw in the towel for now. :C But I don't really want another colour than this... Which is rare for me, almost always when I've dyed my hair a new colour, I get tired of it after a week or so.

I also started working on a new painting yesterday, because I actually had the energy to do it. So I'm throwing myself out in some mermaid-like picture. I've grown kind of crazed with a book from my childhood, it was one of my favorite books my mum read to me. "Silke - en forvandlingshistorie/havets sang" ("Silke - a transformation story/the song of the ocean") by Bent Haller. It's a children's book about a little girl with eczema, who is only painfree and happy when she's in water and feels like that's the only place she belongs, but her parents and the doctors don't understand it. Later, when her eczema disables her sight and living, she becomes a mermaid. Ha, I can't explain the book without making it sound lame and bad.... But it's an amazing story, actually!

My birthday came and passed. I spend most of the day being off and tired, laying in bed because of that. We ate some pancakes for lunch and then when my foster sister (I'm not sure this is the correct word - but it's a girl my mother took in about 6 years ago) and her boyfriend arrived, we ate some tortillas. I was just so tired I couldn't focus on conversations, and I wasn't really interested either, however mean that sounds, but I was just so tired that I went to my boyfriend's room and tried to get some sleep. I couldn't, and I pretty much just laid there for a long while until everybody left.
 After some time spent considering and reflecting, I decided to call the residency's staff back home, because I couldn't really take things anymore and confessed things. When the pedagogue who was there when I called got off from work, she met up with me and went to the psychiatric emergency room with me. We couldn't find the place and wandered about the hospital area searching for it, and when we finally found it, there was 4 people in line waiting before us. A nurse told the room that it would take at least some hours before the next in line could talk with anyone, because they were all busy with very acute patients. So instead, we left.
 It was kind of exhausting, because I had finally gathered the courage and told someone about it, and were willing to get help. But well, I can go another day, get some other help from somewhere else. I also told my fiancé about everything, and he got really sad and felt guilty about not having any clues at all about it. But he knows know, and that's a big relief for me. My mum knows nothing though, and I don't think I will tell her just yet. She is depressed right at the moment, and I don't want to burden her anymore than she is already.

I run as fast as I can run, but Jack comes tumbling after.

I'm getting old. It's my birthday today, actually. So now, I'm 19 years old. It's only been that for about 5 hours, though, haha.
 My good friend Emilia and I went out at 10 PM, so we could celebrate it at the exact time the hands passed the 12 PM. It was really nice to get out for a bit, and I think we had a pretty good time. My fiancé met up with us at the bar we were at and were there for a little while with us before he went home. We wanted to move things to another bar, but couldn't come up with anything, so we just went to her apartment and did litterally nothing at all, haha. When I was heading home, I was unfortunate enough to miss the bus home. Waiting for an hour didn't really seem like anything I wanted to do at all, so I decided to walk home because then I was at least doing something. 4 km later, and here I am, and unable to sleep, haha. But it was actually nice walking home, I haven't walked that road in ages, and while being sober and with no music in my ears + a dead cellphone battery, it's been even longer.
 Today, I will be celebrating my birthday with the family, so I'm at my mum's place right now. My mum took my boyfriend in because he had no place to go (kind of a long story), so he has a room here until he can move into the new apartment. I'm looking forward to be together with everyone tomorrow. Don't really have any big, exciting plans for today, other than my siblings are coming over. :]

I'm not feeling that fantastic at the moment, unfortunately it's been a while since I did that.
 I keep feeling this hopelessness and general lack of desire to do anything anymore. It's hard to get motivated to do things, even simple things like getting out of bed to get a glass of water can take two hours. I can't sleep even though I'm tired all day, and I've been awake for more than what's within the healthy range for too long. It's been too often I've been awake for 27 hours straight lately. Once when I'm awake, it's difficult to sleep again. I just really need sleep, but it's like I can't find the tranquility to do so, even though I'm tired.
 There's nothing I really burn for right now. And when I've fallen asleep and I wake up again, I wake up with this hopelessness. Have you ever experienced that feeling of "this is going to be a bad day" as the first thing when you wake up? It feels a bit like that. It's actually kind of hard to describe, haha. But it's a bit like that feeling, and I just can't find the will to do anything, even if the thing is necessary or just something I know I would enjoy. I have this ambivalent feeling. It feels like life is passing by, and that it's paused at the same time. I can't really figure it out.
 A few days ago, I realized that out of these 19 years I've lived, I've only been happy for 3 of them in total. I've always been more or less down, even during childhood. I can't really give up on the thought that maybe it's been too long for me to get completely good and happy, because I know some of the things are more or less chronic and will appear again from time to another. I just want some tranquility in my life, and I just want to know that these things won't dig up again.
  I work so hard on getting happy, and it's been working for quite some time, but it's like this "thing" keeps catching up on me when I've finally found some peace in my mind. It's like I can't escape it in the long run, there's no events I should be unhappy about right now. Nothing has happened. But this feeling keeps coming back.

And now, I will end this long rant. *headdesk* (<-- do other people even use this saying anymore? XD I haven't seen anyone else on the internet using it for so long now! Maybe I'm just old, hahahahaha)