it's easier to quit, it's harder to admit and you're pushing me

I went to Tisvilde with some of my roommates this weekend, mainly just for the sake of relaxing and having fun. I went for a walk in the woods and on the beach with Frederikke, read a book I haven't gotten to finish before, written something (finally!), eaten a lot of cake and taking weird pictures. All in all, it was a really great trip.
I'm happy that I pulled myself together and wrote again, and I might post it here in a few days. I wrote it on Frederikke's computer, so she has to get home before I can post it.

I'm trying to quit smoking. I smoked 6 cigarettes yesterday, and today I've only had 2. I usually smoke around 20 every day, so I'm very proud of myself. I hope that I might be able to stop completely tomorrow, but I won't beat myself up if I don't. I have to admit that I'm a little jittery right now, but there's not really anything I can do about it. I'm broke (as usual) and I have a total of 14 DKK (about 2,50 USD) until next pay-day.

I don't really know what to write about right now. It's easier for me to update when it has only been a few days since the last entry. So I'll just post this here and hope I'll come back and update somewhat soon.

I should know you aswell

So this is a post about progressing and staying positive.

I'm not saying that I'm in a good mood all of the time, neither that I'm looking at things in a brighter light all of the time. It can be really hard and it can feel impossible to do sometimes because it's really difficult to change your thinking patterns. But I would say that I'm staying/trying to look at things positively a majority of the time by now. Sometimes I need a little outlet and have a day where I can just lay in bed and get some of the negativity out of my system, but I get up and do the things that I need to the day after.

I can see a change in a lot of things by trying to look at things positively. If I feel leftout, I tend to think "I could be replaced so easily", but instead I think "I can be replaced, and that's okay, because people change with time and I'm (sadly) also going to replace someone in the future because that's how humans work". If I feel like there's no point in getting out of bed, I try to replace that thought with "there's no point in staying in bed either and it certainly won't make me feel better, so I might aswell give it a try and do something".
It sounds really lame, but when I actually got a hold of that way of thinking, it really helped me.
I'm trying to look at life in a different way that I'm used to.

My younger self would probably hate me for saying this, but I've come to realize how true some of the things I were told that could ease depression actually works.
I was told that a messy room can "mess your mind" and cause you some mental chaos, and I didn't think it made sense at all. Well, my room is clean most of the time now, and now I do believe it's true. When my room is messy, I tend to lack motivation to do things and it all seems pointless.
Regular sleep, eating and exercise. For me, they are all linked. The days I work out, I eat way more regularly and I sleep much better in comparison to when I don't exercise. If I don't get enough sleep, I either don't eat much or eat the wrong kinds of food and I feel too fatigued to work out. If I eat healthy foods I get more energy and crave exercise, which in the end makes me sleep better. So for me, they're all linked and can't really work without one of those "actions".
Exercising boosts my mood and confidence because I feel like I'm doing something good for myself, eating healthy and enough makes me feel like I'm "safe" (due to the eating disorder) and makes me feel better about eating, and good sleep makes me more at rest with myself and makes me avoid over-thinking. So I do believe that those actions are important keys to getting better..
(It's kind of weird, if I haven't eaten enough during the first hours of the day or if I accidentally skip a meal, my mind automatically goes into a "you should try to see how long you can go without eating again, you could lose some weight"-mode, so I try to avoid that. It's just weird that those thoughts are louder when I haven't eaten regularly.)

I'm really proud of myself for trying to change my way of thinking. I'm trying to put all of me into the battle of getting better and it's working. Of course there's still some things that I haven't conquered, but I do believe that things will get better with time and hard work.

And also, just because I'm really, really proud of myself for not freaking out and actually being stoked and happy about it - I'm officially in the normal weight range now!! I weigh 53,2 kg as of yesterday and my BMI is 18,7 now, so I'm no longer underweight. I still need just a few more kgs to be at my healthiest weight, but I'm honestly just happy about getting so far.

I'm also starting up at a health food/whole foods-store (no idea if there's a word for it in English, but in Danish it's "helsekost") sometime soon, and I'm really looking forward to it. It's going to be nice to have some sort of work to do again.

we used to play outside when we were young and full of life and full of love

I'm surprised with how dark my natural haircolour really is. I had blonde hair when I was a kid and had it dyed in many different colours for many years, but I haven't dyed it since I "shaved" my head in December. So it's all my natural haircolour now. I'm keeping it this way since I actually quite like the colour and also because it's a whole lot easier to keep this way.

Things are still going uphill. Besides yesterday where I had the most lazy and un-productive day I've had in a long time (it was Sunday afterall), I think I manage normal everyday errands well. I'm a bit low on energy today and my gender dysphoria is running high, but I still know that the best way to get my thoughts away from it is to do something. Other words for that is simply just to lift some weights and go for a run.
Though working out doesn't take away my dysphoria completely, it can make it slightly easier to deal with. Exercising boosts your overall-mood and I feel like I'm doing something to change the way my body is - even if they're just small changes, it can still help a bit. I'm growing stronger and my body is starting to develop some muscles (I'm not saying that I'm totally shredded, far from it) so it's a small comfort now that I'm not on hormones.
I don't talk much about my gender dysphoria because I'm ashamed of feeling the way I do. It's also somehow a reminder for me, that things aren't the way it should have been from the start, if I talk about it all. The reminders are horrible, hence why I don't write about it much on my blog anymore.

In a few hours I'll go bowling with the rest of the residents from this house and the people from the Valby-apartments. I'm excited and I think it'll end up really funny since we all suck quite hard at bowling. We're eating at a café nearby after that.
There's not really any news about me moving to Valby. Their answers are very vague - they've told me that I'm moving out in a month, but also that I'm moving out somewhere during Summer, so I'm pretty confused about it all. When I ask them directly about when their plans are for that, they can't really give me an answer. I'm taking things as they come and that's okay, just a little annoying.
I'm also looking into getting a part-time job at a museum, if I didn't already write that in another entry (I'm too lazy to check right now, haha).

Things are generally going really good and I'm proud of myself for managing it. 

I need the song started over, your crying made me miss my favourite part

I'm continuing to get better at doing every day-things and everything is pretty much going in the right direction. I hate admitting it, but I'm actually very proud of myself for managing those things, even though it's just "regular" things like getting up early, keeping my room clean, grocery shopping etc. I've had a problem with doing all those things for years due to my mental state, but I can feel that things have gotten a lot easier to do for me.
I rarely wake up with self-hatred anymore. It happens, but more and more days are getting between them, and I wake up in a great mood most of the time. Within the first 10 minutes I'm downstairs in the kitchen and making my morning coffee. I think that's pretty great when I previously spent up 3-4 hours in my bed after I woke up. I also wake up at 8 or 9 AM naturally by now.

Eating is still getting better. As guessed, the thoughts of it all are still there, but I'm much better at ignoring them. Even though I know it's logical to get more of an appetite when you're working out, I'm also confused because I'm pretty much eating all the time. Working out definitely pays off - I'm in a much better mood when I've done it, I sleep better, I'm gaining muscle mass and I feel better about myself. As it is right now, I work out every other day - about 30 minutes of cardio and between 20 to 40 minutes of strength training, all depending on my energy levels.
My fear of grains is coming back and it's something I battle with these days, but yesterday I ate a bagel just to say "fuck you" to the thoughts about it and nothing happened (dun dun dun - what a surprise). So that's probably something I'll challenge myself with again either today or tomorrow.

I think it's weird how many memories a song can contain. "Plays pretty for baby" just came on shuffle, and now I'm re-living the summer of 2011. Many of my back-then-roommates and I had a craze with that song the whole summer and I have a lot of great memories attached to that song. It was the summer where Jonas and I fell in love, Emilia and I went to London for the first time, and lots of nights where spent in Søndermarken with guitars and laughing like maniacs. I have a lot of memories playing in my head right now and I miss it a bit, but I'm so happy that I got to experience those memories. It was also the summer where I strained my toe because I wrestled with a roommate in the dark while being drunk.