Okay, everything in this blog entry is really lame and whiny, so you have been warned. It feels really weird to be this honest about it all.
I haven't really felt like blogging lately. My head has been really crowded in the last month or so without any real improvements, and it has been hard for me to admit these things to others, but also admitting it to myself. I'm starting to slip back into a "form" of depression as my psychiatrist told me (I'm really active, constantly on the run and doing something either by myself or with others which is a bit atypical when I'm depressed. I usually feel really careless about those things when I get depressed), so I'm upped to 225mg venlafaxine now. The mental symptoms of my sociophobia has lessened a bit and I don't feel very panicky most of the time, just uncomfortable. It feels really weird because the physical symptoms are still there, so instead of getting anxiety attacks, I just sit there with sweaty palms, heart racing and numb limbs while being somewhat "calm" inside my head. It's a really odd feeling.
My mind is constantly racing and I don't feel like I get any form of breaks or respite from the negative thoughts about myself. When I sleep, my dreams are either about people I care about telling me that I'm worth nothing, or just plain unpleasant and scary dreams. When I wake up, I have to force myself out of bed because I know it won't do me any good to keep laying there. I eat a healthy breakfast and go for a run in the hopes of my mood being just slightly elevated, and it happens sometimes, but only for a short amount of time. Throughout the day, I feel like I carry every single negative comment I've ever gotten from anyone, on my shoulders, and they won't seem to leave me. I honestly don't believe I'm worth anything, I can't argument against it at all.
So all in all, the last month has been really bad. At least I haven't experienced any panick attacks for the past 2 weeks or so, which I'm happy about. I'm also proud of myself for not acting on any ED-related actions, despite the "urge" being really loud. I've been maintaining my weight between 48-49 kg for the past month and the only thing that matters is that I'm not getting lower because that would only add more shit on top of everything else in my head, and it's really not worth it.
I relapsed a week ago and ended up self-harming. I haven't done it in a really long time and I'm really ashamed of myself for doing it again. I was really desperate for a break from my thoughts, and back when I self-harmed a lot, I entered this kind of "numbing" mental zone after hurting myself where my head would empty itself for at least just a little while. I grew a bit too desperate and I just wanted my head to stop spinning and I knew I could relax just a little bit if I did it, and that night, it seemed like the lesser of two evils.
My suicidal thoughts are only short and I'm not overthinking them at the moment. They come a few times a day but I let them go, because I know that it's not that I want to die, it's because this situation I'm in feels unbearable. That's a slight motivation to keep going because things will get better, they've done it before, so why shouldn't they do it now? I just have to give it some time. A few weeks ago I actually managed to scare myself because I got way too close to a suicide attempt, but instead of being negative about being on the border of trying to end it and soak in that, I try to think positively about in and think that because it's scared me that I got close, it means that deep down I actually don't want to do it. It's motivating to get better.
Among others, I don't look like I'm in a bad place mentally. I'm very social, laughing, goofing around and having great conversations. I've told a few of my friends very briefly that I feel a bit down these days, that's pretty much it. None of them have asked into it, which is fine because I really just need to surround myself with positive and fun things or else it gets too dark inside my head. I don't want all my negativity to be both inside my head and outside my head. They think I'm doing fine, after all I'm active and I seem very put-together. Somehow I want them to keep thinking that way about me. I'm tired of being sick.
