A thousand years in perfect symmetry.

There are small things in life that makes living more comfortable. Some of them are so small that it's almost ridiculous, but they still put a smile on my face. Like watching Pingu at 6 AM.
I actually got a Pingu hoodie as a birthday present once. It's only 3 years ago, haha. I still wouldn't mind having a Pingu hoodie... Pingu and Moomin are my childhood loves.
Another small thing that makes me smile; I came home from my boyfriend last night around midnight, with only a few cigarettes left and bummed out because of that. When I get up to my room, someone has taped a pack of cigarettes to my door with a note saying "my friend" and a happy smiley, and I have no clue why and who it is. I suspect Mikkel as the culprit, because it seems like his handwriting, and it just made me smile. He's a great friend.


Yesterday was a lovely evening full of warmth spent with my boyfriend and his family. He was okay and on the surface yesterday, which was really lovely. It always makes me happy when he's okay.
Tonight I'm going to visit my sister and play Project Zero, which I'm looking forward to. It's been my favorite game for years, mainly because Cecil and I always played it when we were younger. I haven't seen her in over a year, and I miss her so much. We live 3 hours away from each other, and the train ticket costs around 800 DKK. Both being broke all the time and with her having plans every weekend, it's hard to find room for seeing each other.

I've thought about stretching my lobes more, but I'm scared that I'll get "butterfly ears". I'm at 16mm and have stayed there for a long time, but I kind of want to get them up to 20mm. Doesn't make it any better that Jonas recently bought a 22mm expander. Very tempting. I'm not keen on butterfly ears, and I'll probably get that if I go bigger.. Or it might be because of the tunnels I have atm, the rim is kind of big and makes my ears look weird.
And on the subject of bodymod, I've decided that the mermaid is going to be tattooed on my side. It's out in the future though, because it's going to be a rather big tattoo (going from about 8 cm below my armpit to the middle of my hip), so there's no way I can afford that at the moment. I also need to think it through, because of a backpiece I want in the future.. 
It also just hit me that it might not be a good idea to get it before getting top surgery. I can't wear a binder for two weeks after getting the tattoo, so it's not a good idea, really.

I've also started to get a Michael Strunge obsession... Again. He's my favorite writer.

Væbnet med disse
ordenes vinger
står jeg
parat til at svæve.

Jeg kaster mig ud
fra krystaltårnet
og spænder mig ud
over horisonten
med hjernen i verdens hjerte.

Gennem mørke, gennem lys
gennem lysende byer i nat.
Gennem drømme, gennem følelser
gennem følende landskaber i nu -
gennem døgnet går min flugt
gennem uret, gennem synet.

- Michael Strunge, 1984

(He committed suicide in 1986, just two years after that poem, by jumping out of his window. "Væbnet med vinger" (which means "armed with wings") is written on his gravestone. Might go for a walk through Assistenskirkegården soon.)

Det blanke hav.

Right now I'm oozing over with feelings of being happy and cheesy. In the want-to-dance-around-while-listening-to-the-Cure-and-laugh-about-everything-sense. Big smiles and happy thoughts because I'm seeing Jonas tomorrow and I haven't seen him in close to a week (our plans kept fucking up every day we planned to see each other), so I'm excited and looking forward to that.
It might seem kind of ridiculous (which might be true), but we've seen each other close to everyday since we first met (we were roomies to begin with), so 6 days without meeting up are a long time for us.
Though it's annoying that I'm so excited about seeing him again that I can't fall asleep. But smiling and feeling glad is a wonderful feeling.

I'm starting to have a weird fascination with the ocean. Kind of strange.. I often get a fascination with random things, but this one is really starting to show its trail. The painting I'm working on right now is inspired by the ocean, a draft I'm writing is about the ocean, the poem I'm obsessed with right now is about the ocean, and the song I'm listening to the most these days is about the ocean. I also have an urge to go to the beach and watch the waves for a few hours. I guess my mind is full of water.

I also had a headache that lasted about 16 hours yesterday. As you might guess, painkillers didn't work.

(This was kind of a strange entry...)

And all you can hear is the sound of your own heart, and all you can feel is your lungs flood and the blood course.

Obviously not my photo, but I found it on another site and fell in love with it.

I had to walk out in the pouring (!!) rain while wearing a broken jacket because I needed my nicotine fix and didn't have any cigarettes. The last few days I've been feeling really cold and unable to warm up properly, so I've been tugging up under my duvet and sweaters to warm up for an hour now, and my hands are still icy. Full-blown autumn is really starting to come closer, and I'm looking forward to it. At 8 PM it's completely pitch-black outside now, and the weather is definitely colder now than just a month ago. I don't know why I'm looking forward to Autumn, I guess it's the colours and the fresh wind and all the layers of comfy clothes.

Right this moment I'm feeling demotivated and tired of things aswell as myself. I haven't had an income since February, which is many months considering that I have to pay rent, food and basic household items for myself. I've been living off the inheritance from my father's death those months, trying to get better so I could get a job or get my paperwork through to the municipality so I could get cash assistance until I can manage a job. I don't have many money left from my inheritance anymore, and I just got told that I have to try again (it's the fourth time I'm trying) with the cash assistance because things fucked up. Now I have to wait another month or two, just to see if I actually can get some sort of help with my economy, which isn't even certain that I can because my case is kind of weird.
I haven't been able to pay rent for two months now, and now October is nearing and I still can't afford it, so I have a 6000 DKK debt that I can't pay at the moment. I have a jacket which is broken and the weather is getting colder and colder, but I can't afford buying a new one because I have to use as little money as possible. And to top with the cherry on the cake, my boyfriend currently lives a place that costs me 100 DKK each time I have to take the train to go see him. Seeing him three times a week = 300 DKK (about 50 USD), and his mental state is too low for him to manage to go outside of the house, so it's me who has to go every time (his illness makes it hard for him to be alone and can eventually get worse if he's left alone even for a few hours, so it's important for me to be there as often as possible).
I hate adult life, and I hate that I can't just "snap out" of everything and get better so I could just get a job and have a normal income. Even a class that didn't care that I came hours too late or if I just wanted to sit alone and do nothing all day in that class was something I couldn't manage to wake up and go to. The past 5 classes I've had has eventually been something I've dropped out of because of my mental state. Friendships are something I've dropped out of because of this, and I just want to be able to keep up with normal, daily activities like the rest of my peers and not obsess over negative thoughts in my head. I just want a somewhat normal life. I want to be able to have a job I can manage to wake up to and actually go to and put all my efforts into without stressing myself.

My economy is a mess, my head is a mess, my body is a mess, even my room is a mess. I'm generally just tired of myself. I have no control over anything happening in my life (well, except my room). I can't even figure out the plans for tomorrow because everything changes all the time, whether it's something as small as a person having to cancel our plans for meeting up or me having a really bad day and can't get out of bed, or something as my boyfriend having a horrible day inside his head so I have to hurry up and comfort him as soon as possible so he doesn't feel alone or get worse/does something he shouldn't do. Such small things like shopping at the nearest grocery store and finding out that they don't have one of the products in stock that I had planned to buy is even starting to freak me out completely now to the point where I put all the other products back on the shelves and head home emptyhanded because just one thing on the list of things I needed wasn't there. I have no power over anything, I don't even have control over my own mind and days. To make it even better, my body is acting really strange these days which is something I can't control either, so I have to get an appointment for a doctor soon, both for current and old issues that I've postponed for a year.
 I'm tired of everything and I'm tired of how my head works. I'm tired of still not being able to understand my own head after all these years. I'm tired of having this illness to follow me everywhere I go and I'm tired of thoughts that after almost a decade still sticks around and never dares to leave me and I hate that it affects me so much that I haven't been able to run a normal life (being able to go to school everyday as the other kids and even have a job on the side) since I was 14. I hate that it hasn't changed since then.  

I won't be able to fall asleep for the next while (it's 3:45 AM), so I'm going to drink some decaf-coffee and smoke some cigarettes until I find some rest in my head. Will probably try to pick up my brushes and try painting again, too. 

Right now I feel like walking down to the beach and watch the tide for a while.

And I would have stayed up with you all night, had I known how to save a life.

One of my brother's best friends through many years committed suicide a few days ago, and it plants a lot of thoughts in my head. He jumped from a secured roof top near Nørrebro around noon. Before he jumped, he wrote a message to two of his friends that he was going to jump, and it had nothing to do with them at all, but it was something he had chosen. The police arrived too late. He was 29 years old.

I wonder if it's ever possible to actually talk someone suicidal from taking their own life. Personally, I think that once you're set on the decision, no one can convince you to stay breathing. It's something the suicidal person have to convince themselves about, that they actually should stay alive. That no one can "save" you, their acts and words might help the person to finding the will to live, but most importantly the person needs to find their own values in life.
I just read that one million people takes their own life every year. It's a scary statistic, because that's a lot. It scares me that so many people have been pushed so close to the limit and ended up making the final decision. It scares me that I know so many who have tried to commit suicide and even more who have contemplated taking their lives. It also scares me that I'm contemplating for soon a decade.. If 1 million people actually take their lives in just a year, then how many consider it on a daily basis?
Many of my friends have attempted suicide, some of them more than once. I have a friend who's ex-girlfriend killed herself a few years ago, she was only 15 years old. I'm scared of ever losing someone. Some of those I know who've attempted or considered it are some of the most beautiful and heartfelt humans I've known. I wish I could take everything out of them and let them be content.
It's all so hypocritical of me to preach life when I haven't even found out my values for being here. But I hope everyone I know will stay...
There's a person in my life is having a really hard time and can't manage living, but he has told me that he wouldn't do it because he's been told to never quit. He doesn't want to be here, but I'm proud of him that he continues his fight and battles. It hurts to see him in so much pain, and I wish I could do something to help him, but it's not possible. I can comfort and try to be as much around his as possible, but I will never be able to take his illness out of him.

I wonder how the act of dying feels like, physically speaking. I wonder what really happens when you leave. I've always believed in reincarnation, but you never know and you probably never will. Maybe that's not really something to think about. The important thing is that you're here and still breathing. 

All the uninteresting random facts.

I nibble on my bedsheets most of the time when I'm covered in them. It gives me a calm feeling inside, I don't really know why though.

I really like Finland. I went to Helsinki in 2010, and I've wanted to go back ever since. I think it's a beautiful city, and I felt so comfortable there. It's definitely one of my favorite places of the places I've travelled, but it's hard to find a Dane who also wants to go to Finland. When Danes travel, it's rarely in Scandinavia they go.

I've been together with my boyfriend for close to 16 months. We started out as roommates, which turned to close friends, then a brotherly friendship, and... then dating. Kind of a weird road it went, haha. Our first kiss was actually as unromantic as it could get. Both of us being drunk with fellow roommates, sitting on a bench and - as far as I remember - got a dare to kiss each other. We were both completely freaked out the day after, and promised to never kiss again.... (things like "I just kissed my "brother", what the fuck is wrong with us!?" were thrown from both of us, hahaha) Guess you can call that off. We're also engaged.

My all-time favorite song is "Boys Don't Cry", made by The Cure. It has been that for years now, it was even the first thing I got tattooed on my body. I actually don't listen to it often, but it's the one song that means the most to me.

I have a phobia of milk. I must say that it has gotten a lot better than it used to be. There was a time where I couldn't even touch a milk carton without feeling sick to my stomach. Now I can splash a small amount of it in my coffee if I don't have any soymilk, so it's really gotten better. But if I get just a dribble of milk on my hand, I freak out.

I don't drink very often. I've put the "club life" behind me, because I feel like I've gotten what I wanted from it and I don't find it interesting anymore. I went clubbing a lot in the past at a gay club called Club Christopher, and it's not really what I want anymore. When I do drink, it's with friends at cozy places like parks where we can talk and enjoy ourselves.

I once cut my vein up by accident. I used to self-harm a lot in the past, and ironically enough, the one time I didn't hurt myself as a "suicide preperation", I cut my vein up accidentally. It was definitely one of the most frightening things I've tried. Most of all because of the shock, because there suddenly was a  stream of red spurting 2 meters from my wrist, pulsing in unison with my heartbeat. Not fun to come home from the emergency room and see random blood stains across the room.

If I'm outside walking with people, I need them to walk on my left side. Most of my friends know this and automatically walks on that side by now. It's really weird and I don't know why it has to be like that, but if people walk on the right side of me, I can't concentrate once I notice that they're on "the wrong side". I can't focus on anything else than that. I feel really uncomfortable if they're on the right side of me, but it's only if we're walking that it matters.

I really dislike swans. They're violent, aggresive, and pretty much just a really scary bird. Same goes for geese.

My love for buttercreams is so strong that it can almost be classified as erotic. My boyfriend even jokes about being jealous of buttercream because of my love for it. Actually I only eat it maybe once a year, but when I do... Oh baby science have mercy on my soul. It's so good I can't even describe it. It's to the point where I can eat a complete bowl of it and still want more, with no fruit toppings or not even being inside a cake. Just... plain buttercream. That's how disgusting I am when it comes to buttercream, hahaha.

It's hard for me to keep a straight face when someone says "it wasn't what he/she said, it was how he/she said it". I actually know a person who says it quite often, and I can't bring myself to mention how lame I think that is to say. I'm sorry if I've offended anyone by writing this. But if a person tells me something, I'll take their words as they are. Why else would they say it?

I'm bad at reading aloud. I'm a fast reader, so if I have to read something aloud, I choke on the words and end up saying something different because it goes too fast. This goes both for Danish and English.

I can't ride a bike. I never really got to learn it while growing up, and when I reached puberty I thought it was embarassing to learn since you have to go outside in public to practice. If you can't ride a bike when you're 12 years old in Denmark, other kids tends to see you as weird. So I never got to learn it, but I Emilia actually tried to practice it with me. I ragequit after 5 minutes because it went so bad, hahahah.

I find imperfections attractive. If it's a mole, a small scar on the bridge of someones nose, a crooked smile, or most of what other people would call imperfections. I think that's the most beautiful parts of humans, I find it charming and generally just really attractive. It shows that they're human.

I know a lot about nutrition. It's kind of ironic since hardly follow the rules myself. My brother has a degree as a dietian, and when my eating disorder was really bad and I tried to recover, he tried to help me with the eating part for a while. I've also read a lot about it on my own, partly because of the illness and partly because I wanted to recover. Oh, and I also find it interesting.

I tend to make lame puns and jokes, inappropiate winks and/or inappropriate voices and generally just lame things. It's worst when I'm with Emilia for obvious reasons.

I was once hit in the head with a sausage. I don't think this needs any further details. (Other than the fact that I'm also phobic around sausages, which is still at the point that I can't touch plates, hands or anything that have touched a sausage. Can't even hold the packaging. Do I need to say that this whole hit-in-the-head-incident was very traumatizing for me?)

I used to have some OCD-alike behaviours. For an example, I couldn't touch coins without believing that I would get a deadly disease if I held them. That's why I mostly held them with my sleeves instead. It's many, many years ago though.

If I'm really drunk, I tend to think that it's a good idea to lay down at inappropiate places for some reason. shrubs, rain puddles, McDonald's staircases, benches, random floors (I tend to prefer the center of the floor for some reason...), stuff like that.. That usually indicates that I really shouldn't drink more. (Bonus info; when I'm drunk, I'm capable of eating everything in sight. I get the worst munchies, and everything edible gets devoured. Ironically enough, I never get the munchies when I'm high... Most of the time I actually loose my appetite for some reason.)

I need at least a 2 hours alone everyday in order to function normally. I enjoy my own company most of the time. When I'm alone, I don't have to adjust to anyone and I can be myself completely. I love being together with my friends and family, but I need a few hours each day to clear my head and just be me.

I doubt that I will ever get a completely normal relationship with food and exercise. It's like I can't be completely normal around it, either it's restriction and straining exercise or mindless junk-binging with no exercise whatsoever. My BMI has ranged from 13 at it's lowest and 22 at it's highest (I'm 18.07 on the BMI scale right now). Despite the fact that I know a lot about nutrition and what to eat in which situations and the like, I can't find the golden midway for myself yet.

I'm more scared of seeing a pencil laying on my floor than a scissor. A scissor can lay on my floor for days without me bothering to pick it up at all, but if I see a pencil laying around, I immediately pick it up. This stems from a few months ago where I stepped on a pencil, and that little beast dug so far into my toe that I had to pull it out forcefully. It was beyond painful, I can't even describe it. I laid in bed whining in pain for an hour and a half, if I remember correctly.

My favorite artist is Audrey Kawasaki. I have two tattoos of different paintings she's made, and my left arm is going to be a sleeve dedicated to her art. Her work is absolutely wonderful. (She's also the one who has painted the picture I'm using as a header right now.)

I'm an ass-guy. Boobs and chests are amazing, but nothing beats a beautiful butt..

I can write the most uninteresting things. Proof; read through this again.

I think I used to be someone, now I just stare into the sun.

 

I feel like socializing. Too bad it's midnight and not an appropiate time of the day to contact someone. The last six months, I've hardly been social, it has only been the persons who knows me the best whom I've let in. I've rarely spent quality time with old friends, went out or catched up on something with someone these months, and I feel like it's about time that I do that soon. I've missed it alot, but I just didn't have the surplus to see anyone. I think it's about time that I do that now. 

I've seen Jonas and Emilia close to everday, but they're also the persons I rely and feel most connected to, for obvious reasons. Right now, I feel like I want to take friendships up again and be active with others, because I miss a lot of my other friends and people I want to get to know better, too. I guess it's a really good sign of my mental state. 

I still have days where I can't manage much, but (I think) they're spreading out more evenly. I've also noticed that I don't think much about suicide lately, which is really awesome. I can go for many days without giving it a thought, so it's really great! I guess it's because I'm trying to push those thoughts away from myself by focusing on other things and those around me, yet still trying to keep in touch with myself and knowing when I need to withdraw myself from activities and be alone. I'm close to finding the balance in it right now, I think. 

I don't really have many emotions when I'm alone these days, and though being emotionless can be a really bad thing, right now it feels freeing for me because it's like a break from everything. 

I just hope that I won't fall back, or that it at least takes a longer time for me to fall back this time. That's one thing that isn't good about getting better, because whenever I feel like it goes in the right direction, I'm fearing the day it'll start to fall down again. I know thinking negative thoughts about it won't help anything, but it's because I've gotten used to knowing that I will eventually get down again. I've tried this many times, after all. So I'm aiming more at just getting longer times between each downfall in the long run. Depression runs in my family, so I'll try to live with the thought of it being "a part of me".

A thing that annoys me though... My sleep schedule is still fucked. Falling asleep at between 4-7 AM, and I'd really like to change it. It's like when I finally have a day where I fall asleep at 11 PM and wake up early, it goes back to 4-7 AM again the following day. 

Rounding up, I think I'm just fine and very neutral, so it's all good. My back is aching from yesterdays workout, so I'm just chilling in bed with some Placebo and cigarettes (yes, I still haven't stopped smoking... I'm a bad person, haha), and trying to find out if I should try to write a little about that character of mine, paint, exercise or tidy my room.

Slight picture dump.

As I wrote in the previous entry, I went camping with my boyfriend and parents-in-law. I actually had a really fun time, laughed much and kissed more. So here's a picture dump of random things from the trip to Tølløse.
Most of the pictures I took are just goofy pictures, so I'm not going to post them now (except the one of Jonas and his extra face). I felt slightly cat-obsessed when I found out that I had taken 108 pictures of Alfred, a local cat who visited us...  But he was cute, so it doesn't matter, haha.
I'm going to post an entry later about the actual trip, so here's just a few pictures I took for fun.

This is Alfred, a cat I spent an hour and a half on cuddling with. He jumped up in my lap and just laid there purring and being cute.

Huge-ass field right next to my parents-in-law's camping wagon.

Due to Autumn's onset and the fact that the place we were used to be an apple montage... Decomposing apples everywhere. 

Well... Sky.

Alfred wants to be drawn like one of my French girls.

Only adding this of Jonas because it looks really creepy, haha.

And for the first time in my life, I'm actually looking forward to a fullblown Autumn.

asphalt to me has never looked so soft.

I'm going camping tomorrow. I've never camped before, I haven't even been inside a camping wagon (as far as I remember), so it's going to be interesting. I'm going to go there with my lovely boyfriend and enjoy the quietness of the countrysides, and pet a lot of cats. Despite my (extreme and completely irrational) fear of crane flies, I'm actually really looking forward to it. It'll be interesting to say the least, because I'm most of all a city rat. I've always lived in the center of Copenhagen and it's rare to see me on the countryside.
Oh, and I also feel like a 13-year-old boy who's experiencing their first puppy love, haha. I haven't seen Jonas at all this week, so I'm very excited about seeing him again. Spent the 10 minutes after our phonecall on smiling like a dork while walking home.

We've decided to put me on "stand-by" in school for the moment, because I haven't been there for 2 weeks. I don't really know when I will be able to come back since things change everyday for me, but it's nice to know that when I'm ready to start again, I'll still have a place to go.
I spent most of yesterday in my bed because I had a nightmare that went too close to me, but I'm okay and over it now. After all, it was just a dream.
Today I've hung out for a little while with Emilia, and not much else actually. But it has been a good day nonetheless. I've also bought a mini stepper for cheap money.
Mikkel and I will start saving some money up and order jelly-shot-glasses, because.. well, they're genius. The thought of being able to eat your glass while drinking a shot of liquor... Amazing.
I'm also down to 51,4.

I'm tired but in a really good mood. So now I'm off to eat hummus with whatever I might find edible in my fridge. :D (all hail the hummus)

Sadisten der holder alle udbrud indadvendt.

Ironically enough, the entry I wrote last night was about sleep and how important it is to me... Well, I didn't sleep enough at all that night , because I had a 2 hour long anxiety attack. I fell asleep around 8 or 9 AM, I think. So today, I've been pretty beat because of that.

I'm feeling okay and pretty much just neutral, which is nice. I went for a 2 hour long walk a few hours ago, walking through Copenhagen as a form of meditation, so I'm pretty relaxed now. Feels good man, haha. So yeah, overall I'm just fine.
Now I'm enjoying a few Belgian café biscuits and listening to Placebo while cuddling up with my duvets. Relaxation, I have it!

I got my Sputnik tattoo redone a few days ago, and it's so much better now than it was before. White ink was added to the orb, the antennas straightened and also had a little moon tattooed next to the Sputnik. I'm so happy about it. I can't wait for it to be completely healed so the moon won't be as dark as it is right now, haha. But it's so much better now than it was before! I'll upload a picture of it when it's fully healed.

Du er inde i sindet på en mand der gennem et årti
Har danset på grænsen i håb om en fucking OD
Men jeg er her stadig, lidt mere end en smule beskadiget
Fra de substanser jeg valgte at drukne mit selvhad i
For at være ærlig, jeg er ikke noget særligt
Jeg er blot en nymoderne version af melankoliens bærme
Så jeg sidder sent op og plotter strategier
Så jeg ser negative energier aldrig mere
Det er så svært at kontrollere og en byrde at vide
At man skal lide for at komme igennem på den anden side
Så jeg er selvdestruktiv
På vej gennem 28. liv
Jeg synder - ubeskyttet, falder i og jagter lykken
I håb om at fjerne mit sinds trykken når væggen presser ryggen
Jeg hører ikke en stemme her i min desperation
Vil være alene i min glasskårsbeklædte trone

... lad mig gå tilbage til at blande noget blod og gift i mine årer
Hvorfor, så du kan se mig som hele verden gør det
Og jeg endnu en gang kan føle mig presset op i et hjørne
Og lade min vrede gå ud over den eneste der fortjener den
Sadisten der holder alle udbrud indadvendt

L.O.C - Tortur

A post about sleep.

I found a notebook I've had hidden in my drawer for a while, and thought I'd just read the few pages I had filled out. This was written about 3 or 4 months ago I assume. I remember I was sitting outside my house at 5 or 6 AM with cigarettes and completely drained due to insomnia when I wrote this. If I remember correctly, I hadn't slept for 28-ish hours. I was really scatter-brained, exhausted, frustated and generally not feeling good at all.
I remember that I wrote it in past tense, because I hoped that I would find the note again when I was feeling better, so I could remember and think "I'm so happy I don't feel like this anymore", and partially because it felt painful to write it in present and having to deal with that I felt like that. All I wanted was to sleep.

I found it funny how things could change. How the nights had become my daytime, how all I ever appreciated and loved had transformed into nonsense and seemed pointless. What once was my dreams were now my nightmares. I would cry over small matters and sit emotionless while facing the scariest events. Living was no longer a goal of mine. It was a frightening thought, the thought of being out there and living life. I was no longer on my own side, I became my own worst enemy. My executor, my bully, my rapist. No one could reach me. They wouldn't be able to point out any bad things without me thinking it already. My inability to sleep completely drove me off the edge slowly, and the same for my inability to be completely awake. My mind stuffed with thoughts made me empty at the same time. I knew what was wrong while having no clue at all. Love and care would suddenly sting and I would avoid it, and in the meantime I did everything I could to hurt myself.

Both my mum and I can't function properly if we don't get any sleep. I guess most humans are like that. If I don't sleep/get enough sleep (even if it's just for one night), it gets easy for me to relapse or get worse, and then the insomnia starts and the depression kicks more violently, and that leads to a more empowering insomnia and that leads to more carelessness about living, and it becomes this endless cycle.
The cycle is incredibly hard to end, because if you first have insomnia, you can't just go to sleep when you're tired. Even when you feel like you're about to pass out from it, you still can't sleep. The same goes for depression, and they're two elements that fuels each other.
My sleeping habits aren't really that normal because of the time frame, but they work for me right now. I fall asleep somewhere between 3 AM and 7 AM right at the moment, usually waking up at 2 PM latest. I get 8 hours of sleep most days now, which is great and can keep me energized for the day. I just have to get my sleeping schedules to stay within the 11 PM to 9 AM-range, but it's a really hard task to do for me. But at least I get enough sleep everyday!
When I wrote that thing in my notebook, I mostly stayed awake for 27 to 32-ish hours straight and slept for just a few - about 4 hours, I think. All I could really think about was my need to sleep and self-destructing thoughts.
So the note actually paid off in the end, because it reminds me how important it is for me to sleep and not think "what the hell, I can just pull an allnighter tonight". Because honestly, it's not good for me, even if it's just for one night.

Tell him his eyes see too clear.

Life is really hectic right now, and it's the wrong sort of hectic. Many of the people I hold closest to me are really down, and I feel powerless because I can't do anything to help them get better. I've spent my weekend at the psychiatric emergency room with two different persons, Friday was a roommate of mine who took way too much Ritalin and ended up in a amphetamine-like haze, going from crying to laughing and back again for about 4 hours until we got to the emergency room. Sunday, I went with my boyfriend because his illness has regressed a lot and he's breaking. He went back to the psychiatric emergency room the day after that again, where my mum followed him. My mum suffers from depression and she's in a bad condition right now. She flipped at my boyfriend's mother because she doesn't seem to care enough about his son's mental health, so now they're both angry with each other. My mum has taken the next week off from work because she's had a breakdown and can't really manage to do anything because of the depression, so I've been at her apartment all day in order to help her a little with house chores and trying to cheer her up. My boyfriend is home at his family's place for the next few days so they can take care of him, and he's not feeling any better. I'm going to visit him tomorrow and try to be there for him as good as I can, but all I can do is really just to listen to him and hold him close. And that makes me feel so powerless.
I wish I was some sort of hero-like psychiatrist who could say a magic word and everyone would be smiling and have the will to continue living. I really wish that I could do something to make it all better, but once you've heard voices and once you're stuck in depression, it doesn't go away by a kiss on the cheek and warm embrace, sadly. I really just want them to be happy, but no matter what I say I won't be able to drag their illnesses out of them. I wish I could.
So yup, life is really hectic, chaotic and I don't know what to expect when I wake up in the morning. I worry a lot and I think it's reasonable to worry about these things after all.

Despite being at the psychiatric emergency room/keeping my mum company/visiting my boyfriend/trying to calm down and fall asleep, I've also done some other things.
I "shaved" my head today. I have sidecuts now, and I like how it looks so far. Now I need to cut the rest of it and dye it. (Apparently, if I cut my hair then all bad things go away magically...)

I've also stopped drink soda because I'm trying to get healthier. So now I drink a lot of water each day, either plain or with ginger in. I'm also exercising in the hopes of getting a sixpack someday. I'm currently trying to do "The 30 Day Shred" and hoping for the best. It's not all days I've been doing it though, because my days are kind of messy right now as mentioned. But yeah. Trying to develop a sixpack for the future.

Mikkel has been a great support for me these days, trying to cheer me up. A few nights ago I couldn't sleep as usual, and despite the fact that he needed to get up early in the following morning, he went for a walk with me. That walk ended up being 30 minutes long before we stopped at a bar in the midcenter of Copenhagen and had a drink each, listening to karaoke sung by drunk people. Then a 30 minutes long walk to get home again, and then we just chilled in his room with greens. I think I went back to my room at 3 or 4 AM, so I don't think he went to the studio after all... But it was nice that he tried to comfort me and take my mind off worrying.

And another note; I wrote that I wanted to start on sleeping pills in a previous entry. I've started using Baldrian, a health-med (I have no idea what the name for that is in English) and it works okay for now. Some nights it hasn't worked at all, and some nights it has really helped me falling asleep. So it's okay. Other than making you drousy, it can also be used to calm you down if you're anxious. Bonus. And there's no side effects since it's a natural form of medicin (still don't know what the word is for that)... Double bonus.

Won't really write anything about my own mental state, because I don't have enough time to focus on my own issues these days. Somehow I'm okay with that.