I've been great in general since the last time I wrote here. The weather has been awesome -it even got up to 32 degrees at some point, and sunny pretty much all days except yesterday. I've had a great time with the people I care about and I've went for a lot of long walks (walked for six hours straight one night, another night 14 km in total).
I've gone camping with my parents-in-law and Jonas, and I'm actually going again tomorrow. We've pretty much just went for some walks with the neighbors' dogs and chilled in the sun most of the time. I've had a really great time with him, when I got home it felt weird that he wasn't around anymore.
AND - two things I've accomplished and causes a lot of excitement for me... First; I've officially quit smoking for good! It's been 11 days since my last cigarette, and I'm extremely proud of myself. The second day was the worst, but I've managed it quite good the rest of the time. I'm just really happy that I don't feel the need to smoke anymore and that I've finally done it.
Second (though it's not really something I've been able to control at all) - but I've grown. I'v fucking grown. I'm 20 years old and it's a bit odd. But I'm 170 cm by now and I'm more than stoked! It's a really big deal for me and I'm overall just happy about it.
But the great mood and awesome days aren't the reason why I'm writing right now, I actually need to vent a bit.
I'm not fearing a relapse at all, the eating disordered thoughts have just been a lot more loud than they've been in a long time. I really don't know why it suddenly came back so loud, I was in Netto with some friends and was asked if I wanted something to munch on, and out of the blue, the eating disorder pretty much "yells" that I am extremely greedy and a horrible person for wanting something to munch on, and would be even worse if I actually said yes to them. I know it's illogical and that wanting a chocolate bar is by no means greedy at all, but I was just shocked at how "loud" the thoughts were and turned the offer down because I got scared. I have disordered thoughts everyday and I've accepted that, and I've really gotten good at ignoring/coping/accepting them, so it really surprised me that they were so "loud", they haven't been that loud in several months.
Pretty much been going downhill in refraining from disordered behaviours (not that I've acted on all behaviours/impulses/thoughts, far from it) since that night and my shrink is on vacation and I don't really know where to go to. I've also found out that most things related to that subject slightly triggers me at that moment - knowing that I don't have any money makes the disorder see it as a sign for me to stop eating, change in plans in regards to eating out and freaking out because it didn't go as I thought it would, eating at my sister while she's dieting and eating low-calorie/small portions because of that, things like that. It's small an weird things and there's probably some underlying reason to why the disordered thoughts are "loud" these days, I just need to figure it out.
I promised myself a while ago that I wouldn't weigh myself anymore, that numbers aren't important, yet in a moment of weakness I did it and I feel like shit because I caved in. I guess I can see it as a thing to learn from, but it doesn't change the fact that numbers have been stuck in my head all day and I'm unsure of how to distract myself from them right at the moment. I'm trying to refrain from doing any disordered behaviours, and I would say that I've only done maybe 30% of what thhe disorder has wanted from me, so that's good. Hopefully it'll be better in the next few days, I'm really trying to get my grip together and work through it. I know there's ups and down in every mental illness, I just wasn't prepared this time.
I'll also just add in that I'm staying positive and try to work this out as fast as possible. I just needed to vent, now that my shrink isn't around. Hopefully it's over soon.
fredag den 26. juli 2013
mandag den 1. juli 2013
聞こえない様に 耳を塞いでた
So this is just a random mind-scribble. Overall, I'm doing okay and I'm making some serious progress on the psychological side of everything, which of course results in thinking a lot these days.
Last week I had the hardest conversation I've ever had with my psychologist (or any other professional for that matter), and though I'm still a bit affected by it, I'm really glad about it all. Because it hurt so much I know this is one, if not the biggest, is a great factor and underlying "reason" to my unstable mental health. It's really something I usually try to surpress and not talk much about because it's a painful subject for me, so I've never really gone into details with others about it. It hurt a lot and I spent the two days after the appointment with someone around me all the time in fear of falling down into a black hole.
We talked about my childhood and the emotional neglect I experienced up until I was 16 years old. The conversation was mainly about my mum's husband and the things he did. If I talk about it, I usually keep it on a more simple level, but this time it went deeper than that.
Basically, the reason why I feel isolated from everyone around me was because isolating myself from others was a "survival instict" in my childhood. If I blocked out others, it meant I wouldn't get close to anyone and that way I wouldn't get hurt. I have trust issues and hardly ever let anyone come close to me because during my childhood, most people I had close to me weren't really there - it was almost always a mix of emotional neglect and verbal abuse, traumatic experiences and on top of that, bullying from my peers. Looking back at it all, it's not really a wonder that I started to draw myself away from others, because every time someone was close to me, something bad usually followed.
I haven't gotten out of this "survival instinct", but I've made progress - I have a few who's quite close to me, and I have Emilia who's probably one of the persons who has gotten deepest into my core.
The feeling of being isolated is somewhat self-inflicted and somewhat inflicted by others (in the past, not the current) aswell as my low sense of selfworth due to things that happened in the past. The million dollar question is how I'm going to turn this around though, but it's something my psychologist and I will try to figure out.
It doesn't seem like much progress, but really, just the fact that we talked about these things that happened in the past in more than a simple manner is really a breakthrough for me.
The thing that I'm most unpleasant about is the flashbacks I've had these days. Wednesday night was spent on crying in Jonas arms for an hour because what felt like 60 flashbacks came all at once, some of them were things I had forgotten all about and I relived all the emotions that I went through from the different flashbacks, so needless to say it got too intense for me and I got scared. The weird thing is though, I've had a lot of flashbacks these days that only lasted for a few seconds and they were things I had forgotten all about, but right after it was over and the emotions were shaken off, I had forgotten all about what the flashback was about again. It's a really weird feeling, because I'm 120% certain that it all happened and was very real, yet I can't remember what is was, even just seconds after the flashback of it occured. It's a weird and really unpleasant feeling I'm left with, and on one side I want to know what those flashbacks are about, and on the other hand I really don't want to know.
I'm kind of trying to soothe "little Damien" from the past these days and telling myself that I'm worth more than I think, it's just a bit difficult. I'm also trying to get myself to open up around others by taking babysteps in that direction so I won't scare myself out. But things are looking brighter once again. I'm happy I had that conversation with my psychologist, even though it hurt a lot. I can kind of equal it to getting a massage, the knots where it hurts the most to be massaged is usually the those that brings most relief afterwards.
Last week I had the hardest conversation I've ever had with my psychologist (or any other professional for that matter), and though I'm still a bit affected by it, I'm really glad about it all. Because it hurt so much I know this is one, if not the biggest, is a great factor and underlying "reason" to my unstable mental health. It's really something I usually try to surpress and not talk much about because it's a painful subject for me, so I've never really gone into details with others about it. It hurt a lot and I spent the two days after the appointment with someone around me all the time in fear of falling down into a black hole.
We talked about my childhood and the emotional neglect I experienced up until I was 16 years old. The conversation was mainly about my mum's husband and the things he did. If I talk about it, I usually keep it on a more simple level, but this time it went deeper than that.
Basically, the reason why I feel isolated from everyone around me was because isolating myself from others was a "survival instict" in my childhood. If I blocked out others, it meant I wouldn't get close to anyone and that way I wouldn't get hurt. I have trust issues and hardly ever let anyone come close to me because during my childhood, most people I had close to me weren't really there - it was almost always a mix of emotional neglect and verbal abuse, traumatic experiences and on top of that, bullying from my peers. Looking back at it all, it's not really a wonder that I started to draw myself away from others, because every time someone was close to me, something bad usually followed.
I haven't gotten out of this "survival instinct", but I've made progress - I have a few who's quite close to me, and I have Emilia who's probably one of the persons who has gotten deepest into my core.
The feeling of being isolated is somewhat self-inflicted and somewhat inflicted by others (in the past, not the current) aswell as my low sense of selfworth due to things that happened in the past. The million dollar question is how I'm going to turn this around though, but it's something my psychologist and I will try to figure out.
It doesn't seem like much progress, but really, just the fact that we talked about these things that happened in the past in more than a simple manner is really a breakthrough for me.
The thing that I'm most unpleasant about is the flashbacks I've had these days. Wednesday night was spent on crying in Jonas arms for an hour because what felt like 60 flashbacks came all at once, some of them were things I had forgotten all about and I relived all the emotions that I went through from the different flashbacks, so needless to say it got too intense for me and I got scared. The weird thing is though, I've had a lot of flashbacks these days that only lasted for a few seconds and they were things I had forgotten all about, but right after it was over and the emotions were shaken off, I had forgotten all about what the flashback was about again. It's a really weird feeling, because I'm 120% certain that it all happened and was very real, yet I can't remember what is was, even just seconds after the flashback of it occured. It's a weird and really unpleasant feeling I'm left with, and on one side I want to know what those flashbacks are about, and on the other hand I really don't want to know.
I'm kind of trying to soothe "little Damien" from the past these days and telling myself that I'm worth more than I think, it's just a bit difficult. I'm also trying to get myself to open up around others by taking babysteps in that direction so I won't scare myself out. But things are looking brighter once again. I'm happy I had that conversation with my psychologist, even though it hurt a lot. I can kind of equal it to getting a massage, the knots where it hurts the most to be massaged is usually the those that brings most relief afterwards.
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