And when I'm brave enough and find a clever way to kick him out.

I changed my layout. Kind of half-assed, but I just needed something a bit more simple than the one I had before, since it was a tad difficult to read the things I wrote because of the colours.

I had an appointment with my shrink yesterday and it helped a bit with the numbness I wrote about in the last entry, which is good.
I've been in an odd place today though. I've had different thoughts and emotions which is good, despite that they haven't been pleasant. I've felt lonely most of the day and a bit good-for-nothing. I was supposed to see two different people today, but somehow both get-togethers ended up being cancelled by them.
Right now I feel a bit entwined in something I can't quite put my finger on. I guess it's the thoughts about myself and about hypothetical actions.

 

and when I let him in I feel my stitches getting sicker

I try to wash him out but like she said, the blood is thicker

I see my mother in my face

but only when I travel

I run as fast as I can run

but Jack comes tumbling after

I should have seen the light, but the lights were shining way too bright and the noise was filling up my mind.

This is the view from one of my windows, the one facing a cemetery. It's kind of weird to look out of the window and see gravestones facing you everyday, but you get used to it. It was kind of sad though, a few days ago I looked outside right after waking up, and there's this elderly man standing in front of one of the stones for a brief second before he smiled and waved goodbye. It kind of stuck inside me for the next few hours.

I've spent the last few days on being ill. I'm growing more or less insane because of it, and right now I'm in that "I need to get out and get away from these 4 walls"-mode. Originally I had planned to attend this concert/competition this Saturday to root for two of my friends who were performing, but I was too sick to go. They're attending again next Saturday, so hopefully I'm up and fresh enough to come. It's a competition for aspiring rappers, and I really think they can shake things up a bit since their songs aren't about the typical rap-subjects, so to say.

I'm getting these splurts of loneliness these days, mostly just lasting for about half an hour or so. I can manage it, it's just a bit annoying since they tend to hit me at the most random times. When I'm buying groceries, walking around in the house, even when I'm hanging out with people - it's just that feeling that you're completely alone, like there's a layer of cement around you and no one can get in. It's not thoughts about being alone or lonely, but solely a feeling that borders on being close to physical. It's annoying and uncomfortable, but they pass after a while. It's most annoying when I'm actually around others and in conversations.
But I don't really know much these days. Overall I just feel very plain and neutral, but to a point where it's actually not nice anymore. I don't really have many emotions lately and I guess I'm feeling a bit blank and hollow. But again, I'm not feeling sad, depressed or anything bad. I just don't feel any joy or good feelings either. It's a close resemble to when I was on antidepressants, actually.

Since I don't really have many things to write about these days, I'm thinking about doing some "theme"-entries instead. I've thought about making an entry about my father, since it's only a few people who actually knows about him and it's mostly just the surface I've told. I've also thought about an entry about drugs, and an entry about the months where I was hospitalized in 2009-2010. It's actually just about exactly 3 years since I was permitted. It was around the end of October, 2009. Weird.

City lights lay out before us and your arm felt nice wrapped around my shoulder, and I had a feeling that I belong, and I had a feeling that I could be someone.

I don't know why I'm yellow-ish near my nose and neck, but apparently I can't edit it away. Also, one thing I find weird is that I tend to get a visible cheekbone in pictures - but only one, never both cheekbones. It's weird.

I've hung out with Laura today, it's always nice to see her. We went out and walked around Frederiksberg Have for a good while. Everything is so beautiful at this time of the year. I think Autumn has really grown on me, all the colours and the leaves going everywhere is a simple treat to the eye. At 6 PM and it's already dark outside, I guess it's safe to say that winter is nearing. 

I went out with Emilia this weekend and I had so much fun. I also ended up really drunk, haven't been in that state for over at least a year. At first we just sat on a staircase near Istedgade* (I guess that's kind of creepy), and then we decided to head to a gay bar called Cosy. I don't dance when I'm sober, I have to get really drunk to get on the dancefloor... That did happen, and I think we spent a lot of the night dancing to lame music. When Gangnam Style was played, everybody did the horsedance, haha.
When I got home at 5 AM I ended up falling asleep on my bathroom floor (I don't even know why and how) and woke up when Mikkel knocked on the door and asked if I was okay. Apparently I slept there for a few hours, because it was sunny outside when I woke up... I don't even know. ( I should just add that the bathroom I'm talking about is the smallest bathroom you'll ever find. I have no idea how I could even lay down...)

I was stupid enough to drift off for an hour earlier, so I'm thinking about going for a long midnight walk soon. I don't really have anything else to do, so I think it's better to get moving and tire myself a bit so I can fall asleep instead of spending hours online. I'd prefer someone to keep me at company while walking, but that's not really going to happen at this time of the evening. I'm just going to suck it up and enjoy it alone then, but it's going to be nice to get more fresh air. I think I'll just let my feet wander and see where I end up at.

You know I'd leave it alone.

So I went to Tisvilde and I had a really great time there. I spent the evenings on laughing and chilling in front of the fireplace, looking at stars and having fun with my roommates. Overall it was just a really great trip and I had a lot of fun. Mikkel, Stefan and I went to the nearby seashore and looked at the waves on the first evening we were there. Very spontanously, it ended up like this....

It was lots of fun. It actually wasn't as cold as I thought it would be. At least not in the water, but when we got up on land again it felt like my legs were about to fall off, haha. Even though I'm sick now and the cause of it is probably that, it was all worth it. I haven't felt so alive in ages. (and strangely enough, that was also something to do with being cold. Laid in the snow a few years ago.)
(The music was Mikkel's suggestion btw.)

 My boyfriend is currently hospitalized, and I'm both happy that he is but it also makes my heart clench. I'm really happy that he's hospitalized because he's finally getting the help he needs, but it saddens me to see how much pain he is in. I miss him a lot, I have only seen him once this week for approximately 15 minutes. It's very hard on me which results in me behaving badly because of that. I'm going to see him tomorrow though, and later on I'll hang out with Emilia.

My own mental state isn't that great these days, and bad thoughts are starting to come back. It's not fun to wake up and the first thought in your head is how horrible a person you are and how there's no point in your life. I'm feeling lonely these days and I feel a lot of frustration and anger because of some situations in my life. The moods are something I can handle, but the thoughts aren't really.

But what did you expect?

I'm going to nomansland (also known as Tisvildeleje) from Sunday to Tuesday. It's a very small shed my residency owns, close to the seashore and far away from everything. I'm looking forward to it, I'm going to bring my telescopein the hopes of the weather will be okay so I can look at the stars at night time. I will probably also go for many long walks on the shore and warm up in front of the fireplace in the evenings. Some of my roommates are going too, and I'm looking forward to spend time with them since I haven't really talked with any of them for a long time despite living under the same roof. 


I'm starting to realise that I might be falling back into old habits and it's a scary thought. It's not normal to think about stuff like this most of the hours you're awake, it's not normal to keep yourself up at night because you need to finish off so you're "allowed" to give sleeping a try. I end up lying when I'm asked about the matter, and that's not okay in any way. A part of me thinks that what I'm doing is completely acceptable and far from being an issue, while the other and less dominating part is worried and scared. The last week I've been asked around everyday about it or been told that people are worried, and I keep shrugging it off because the dominant part of it is convinced that it's not serious. I honestly don't know if the submissive part of me is just being a complete dramaqueen or if it actually is something I should worry about and my head is just a mess right now when thinking about that particular subject.

I'll try to wake up earlier tomorrow so I can actually be active in the daytimes. I'm thinking about taking a long stroll through Copenhagen, like going to the top of Rundetårn and walk past Søerne and the like. If I actually manage to wake up early enough, I'm going to ask Emilia if she wants to go with me. I haven't had any contact with her today, feels weird. (sometimes I understand why people mistake us for a couple... but holy fuck, so wrong, so fucking wrong, hahaha!)

Thoughts about future and needs.

Now when I'm in such a good mood, I'm starting to think a lot about my future, what I want and what I need to do. It somehow seems much more easy to overcome and start up on, but I think that's make sense with feeling good.
I want to start doing something again, something productive, but also something that falls within my interests. This is something more short-term than the rest. But I just want to start doing something again, school or anything alike. Something that I won't feel like I've wasted time on after I'm done with it.
I don't remember if I wrote about this before, but I'm starting to think about - far out in the future though - to aim after a dietician degree. It's just a thought I'm playing around with for the moment, it's certainly not sure that I'll decide for it at all. But I'm thinking about it. My brother has a degree as a dietician, but decided later on that it wasn't what he wanted to do with his life. I might call him soon and just hear a little about his experiences with it and how it exactly works.
For now I need simple cash, and the money-help doesn't really seem to go anywhere. Even though I might rush into things and it can backfire, I'm thinking about getting a job. Just a few hours a few days each week to start with if possible at all to maintain this mindset and if it's possible to find a place to work. I'm scared that I might fall back if I rush into anything too quickly, but I'm also scared that I will fall back if I don't do anything else than spending time at home and with my friends due to the lack of structure for each day. If this mood continues into next week, I think I'm gonna contact my study guidance and hear her out.Getting a paycheck from whatever work that needs a need employee will be great.
Though it's not realistic right now, I'd like to be able to put money aside for my transition. I have to much debt to do that. But I want to start up again as soon as possible.

Transition-wise... I'm really looking forward for my voice to go deeper again. It dropped a bit the few months I was on T, but not a lot (after all, it was just a few months.) It still sounds female, but just a little lower than it was before I ever had tried testogel. But the voice is something I can't wait for, because I honestly want to smack myself in the face when I talk to people I don't know because of it.
I'd like to start saving up for top surgery (if it was possible for me to save up right now). Honestly I'm just really looking forward to the day they are gone. I'm looking forward to feeling comfortable with upper body naked. When I was on testosterone, they shrank quite a bit and I weighed more at that point, so I wonder how it will be when I start on it again at this weight..
My psychiatrist has told the staff at my residency (which they told me) that the reasons to my mental problems all stems from my gender identity, which I also don't doubt at all. The previous time I had a check-up with him, he told me that not being on hormones and continuing my transition just fuels my mental issues and basically "hurried" me into starting on T again. The last time I saw him about 2 weeks ago, I told him I hadn't come further into it, and then he told me that he wanted to slap me (meant with care, though!).
It's really about time for me to start up again. Really. I'm blocking myself from feeling the best I can about myself, by not being on it.
As soon as I quit smoking, I'm going back. (Hopefully that'll turn out to be soon.) I'm more or less just really fucking excited about that.

Moodwise, I'm doing really great. I'm trying out positive thinking as good as I can and think rationally about details that I might get sucked into. The things aren't even things that will matter for my future most of my time, then why put so many thoughts into it? It's working quite good. 
I have to keep focusing on the positive things in life and enjoy them instead of turning them into bad things.

Also, it's nice being able to think rationally about the future without wanting to be non-existent for a change. I'm actually looking forward to things right now.

She knew his look from behind.

A few days ago, Emilia and I played around with long shutterspeed effects in a park during the evening. Some of them turned out really creepy and ghostlike (and some of them were hilarious). But I kind of like this shot that Emilia took of me and my shutterspeed-twin.

I'm still enjoying the positivity, despite not having any plans today which kind of amazes me. Somehow I feel like this is where I'm supposed to fall back abit, but I haven't and it's all great. I plan on doing some cleaning and decorating some parts of my room later. For an example, I'll make a lifesize Sputnik in cardboard and hang over my bed, hopefully it'll turn out good. I'll also finish the painting I'm working on so it can come up on my wall soon and start on something new.

Tomorrow I'm going to eat dinner with my mum and my boyfriend. It's a long time ago since I actually had an evening with her, so I'm looking forward to it. We're going to have lasagna, which is just even a bigger bonus. I've eaten that very often lately... I'm also down to 49,8 kg now, despite eating a lot of junk these days. Kind of odd. I'm starting to think about joining some sort of exercise classes so I can bulk up a little. Still really wanting to get nice abs and shoulders. I don't really know, I just want to start something so I have something to look forward to a few days a week. Maybe art classes?

Overall I'm doing mighty fine and all is good. I might update later if I finish that painting I mentioned. I know my entries are boring like this, but I think it's important that I also update when I feel good, so I can read back and see that I can be "normal" and not overthink all the time, haha.

I'm only as tall as my heart will let me be, and I'm only as small as the world will make me seem.

I've had four really good days and my mood has been really great and surplus-y. It's been really great.
I've been busy and had a lot of things to do, so I've kept myself at pace. I've met up with my sister, hugn out with Emilia a few times, seen my therapist, made dinner for 8 people, had one of the most cozy evenings in a long time with my boyfriend, managed to go shopping without hitting and/or killing someone, and today spent time at Ikea for a few hours shopping equipments with some roommates. I should mention that clothes shopping is one thing I avoid out of hate, and the same goes for Ikea trips. I also fell asleep at 11 PM one of the days. Success!
I don't know what has happened to my mood and energy these days, but it's been fantastic.

I was supposed to go to a meeting about my economy yesterday, but when we got there, they told me - second time in a row without informing me - that they had moved my appointment. I don't understand why they can't just inform me before the meeting that it's been cancelled.. And also, a thing that enrages me... The meeting is near the end of this month. There's a reason why I'm having that meeting, it's kind of urgent because living without money is not realistic. They should really get their shit together when it's something acute... I know others from other municipaties that are in the exact same spot as me right at the moment.

With my recent weightloss, I've managed to actually loose enough to be completely flat when wearing my binder. It's an amazing feeling to see yourself completely flat-chested in the mirror, despite the torso pain after a few hours of wearing it, but it's all worth it. Despite being small, I've always had a slight bump even when wearing my binder, but it's pretty much gone now.
I'm looking forward to the day that I get top surgery done. I'm lucky enough to be a candidate for a "keyhole incision" as it's called, but unfortunate enough to live in Denmark where no one performs such an operation.. There's not that many surgeons who does it apparently, and I'd prefer not to have a bilateral incision (the surgery where you get scars across your chest) if it's possible. I'm aching for the day to come, even though it's years ahead of me.
My psychiatrist wants me to try getting through at Sexologisk Klinik, but I'm far from keen on it. I've heard and known a lot of people who has been harassed and been looked down upon from the professionals, and it's nothing I want to experience. Second of all, I'm not allowed because I have a diagnosis and if you have ever been in the psychiatric system, you're seen as a lunatic and like you don't know what you're really doing (need to point out that this is what I've heard from others, I have never had any treatment through Sexologisk Klinik, but another place). But he thinks I should try it out, that it wouldn't hurt which might be true. If I could start treatment in their care, they'll pay for the hormones and surgeries.. My inheritance was meant for my transition, but because I haven't had any kind of income for so long, I've been more or less forced to live off that.. So there goes the money meant for hormones and top surgery.
I guess it wouldn't hurt trying to see if I could even get accepted into their care (because of the diagnosis), but I need to think it over. My psychiatrist is on my side and will try to defend me as much as possible if they can't look past the diagnosis, since it actually was a wrong diagnosis they gave me when I was hospitalized. He has promised me that he'll try as much as possible.  to convince them to help me out.

Within the next few months, there'll be a lot of moving around at my residency. I'm really sad that Mikkel is moving, but I'm also really happy for him. He really deserves it! Askur is moving too, and even though I haven't talked with him much for the last months, it'll be weird without him because I have some great memories with him and I worry alot about him. Camilla moved out yesterday, after spending 3 years here in total. I wish them all the best of luck for the future. When thinking about it, the "old crew"has kind of vanished. Loop, Jonas, Laura, Camilla, Nanna and Stefan moved out, and now Askur. It's actually only Emma and I that are left from "the old crew", so to say. Emma and I have been closest, since she moved in not much longer after I moved in 2 years ago in the previous house and we kind of followed each other through thick and thin from day 1. Sometimes we have late night-talks about how much we've changed, both of us, from back then to now.
Back then I was a self-harming, confused, self-loathing, scared kid who abused myself in as many actions possible. Even though I write a lot about depression and suicide on this blog and still battles it, I've moved a long way and in the right direction. It's not nearly as bad as it was back then, far from it, and I can see it in a better view now.
Back then, I self-harmed more or less daily, smoked too much weed, tried to fuck the things I had on my mind away which always backfired and made me end up feeling worthless, drank too often, didn't understand why I couldn't be happy with the body I'm in, relied too much on others and was very unstable in my mood.
Now I don't self-harm in any way at all, I rarely smoke weed (once a month, maybe), I have a steady relationship without relying too much on him, very rarely drink alcohol (once every 3rd month?), I'm out as transgender and hopefully re-starting my transition soon, and I'm better at controlling myself and actions. I'm still depressed, but when looking back, I've changed an awful lot and I need to remind myself of that. If I'm depressed, I tend to think I haven't changed at all, but that's not true - quite the contrary actually.
Wow, this feels all awkward to write. That person I was just 2 years ago is nothing like the person I am today in any way, so it feels weird to write it down like that and comparing. Really fucking weird and awkward.
But I'm much more whole, subtle-minded and closer to happiness than I was back then, even though life can be the thing I want out of the most sometimes. I'm definitely treating myself more like a humanbeing now.

I've bought "The Easy Way To Stop Smoking", so I'm gonna give it a go one of these days. I've also realised that I don't even enjoy cigarettes anymore, I honestly don't remember the last time I enjoyed one... They're all out of habit now. Waking up-cigarette, coffee-cigarette, boredom-cigarette, waiting-cigarette, after meal-cigarette etc... None of them are actual pleasures anymore, so what's the point in it? I would also like my lungs to be better so I will be able to last longer when exercising and just my general health - and economy. It also makes it easier that Emma stopped a week ago and Emilia is stopping soon. This time will be it!