here's your lifeline

Yesterday ended up being really great. Emilia came over around noon, we drank a cup of coffee at my place and packed some salad before we headed off to the train station. Because I had already thought about going to Lousiana and Emilia just turned 20, I offered a ticket as a birthday present. The main exhibition wasn't really anything for us since we're not the biggest fans of pop-art, but some of the other exhibitions were really amazing. We got a cup of coffee there, ate our salad and then went back home to Copenhagen and ate sushi at "our" sushi restaurant. There's this place near me that we always go to when we eat sushi together, and oddly enough we're always offered the same seats.
It was really great to hang out with her again and I've missed it a lot.

Today I'm going to Den Blå Planet with Frederikke and her family. It's the biggest aquarium in Nothern Europe and it just opened a few days ago, so I'm really excited about this. Jonas is going to drop by somewhere during the evening, so this day looks like it will be really great too.

And just because I'm really happy about this - I'm up to 52,5 kg now, which means I'm only half a kg away from being in the normal range. Ideally, I have to get up to 57-59 kg so that's not far away from where I am at now. My workouts and diet is going really great and I feel so much healthier. Of course the thoughts about losing weight is still there, but I'm gettting really great at dealing with them. I'm just really happy about what I do right now.

Overall, I'm just feeling really great.

Coming out of my cage and I've been doing just fine

So I'm in a good mood these days. Had a wonderful weekend at my mum's place where Jonas came and slept from Saturday to Sunday. We were just being idiots and goofballs most of the time which is always fun. It's weird to think that we're only two months away from our 2 year anniversary. I'm hoping to do something nice on that day like we did last year when we were in Berlin. It probably won't be that big of an event as last year since we're low on money, but I'm happy nonetheless.
 I slept at my mum that weekend because that guy who broke into our house last time I wrote here, he tried to get in again this Friday morning. It's so stupid that you feel unsafe in your own house, but we all feel that way and I think it's pretty understandable. I don't think most people would be okay with a guy trying to break into your house and not as often as he tries to, at all. But the police have told us residents to call them if we just have the slightest doubt about him being on our ground and then they'll be there in 5 minutes.

Yesterday I talked briefly with my contact person about the whole moving-situation. It might not be as soon as they talked about last week (which was 6 weeks from that meeting), but it'll be before Summer vacation starts, so it's not that far from now anyway. The vacation starts in June, so it's a few months away.
He also told me about which of the apartments that they have in mind for me. It's right next to Mikkel's on the ground floor, unfortunately the apartment that sucks the most, but I'm not complaining. I'm just excited about moving in a few months and living on my own. I think with the right interior design, it'll be really nice anyway.

I have a lot more energy to do things. Today I was up at 7:30 AM, had my coffee and my breakfast and now I have no idea what to do for the rest of the day. I did my laundry and worked out yesterday and my room is squeaky clean, so I don't really have anything to do now. I'm thinking about going to my favorite museum, Lousiana, because I finally have money for the train ticket. I have a member's card to the museum so I don't have to pay, but because it's so far away it ends a bit expensive.
Later today I'm meeting up with Emilia and I'm really looking forward to that. We haven't hung out as much as we used to since she got her own apartment, so I'm happy that I get to see her today. Before she got her apartment, we used to hang out every other day or so. I think we see each other about once every week for a only few hours. I might ask her out for a cup of coffee now that I have the money for it, I think it might be nice.

I'd give you all a boy could give you

Even though we're nearing the end of March, it's still snowing like crazy here in Denmark. Everybody is getting pretty tired of it and you can definitely feel a drop in the mood of everybody in the house because of that. I'm really looking forward to Spring and some warmth.

And some big news; I'm probably moving out in six weeks. The residence owns some apartments located in Valby and they're now talking about offering me one of the apartments. I have lived in these houses for 3 years in total and even though I'm not as self-dependent as they want me to be, they're talking about it because it might help me to grow more stable if I were to live on my own with the support of the staff from this house. I'm actually really cool with the idea of it and I feel like it might be the right thing for me. So if I keep up the good work, I'm moving out in six weeks from now!
I'm kind of confused because the suggestion came rather unexpected. A month ago I was closed to being kicked out of the house and now they're offering me one of the halfway-apartments. Quite a change of direction, but I'm really happy with it.

Other news; I'm up to 51,3 kg now. I think a lot of the weight might be muscle because the skinny pants I wore back when I weighed 42 kg still fits me (to my big surprise). I'm actually pretty cool with my weight right at the moment and I'm only 2 kg away from being in the normal range, so everything is good. I'm taking it easy with the cardio when I train because I'm afraid of losing what I've gained, but when I lift weights I can feel that I've gotten stronger, so everything is going in the right direction and I'm happy about it. The strength training also increases my appetite which is just a bonus.

don't you just love goodbyes?

I need to update more often. Not necessarily because I'm experiencing a lot of things because that's really not the case, more because when I finally decide to write a new entry I never know where to begin because it's been a while and I'm not sure what to write. It's somehow easier to write a new entry when it hasn't been long since the previous one.

Slightly crazy things are happening around me at the moment. Last weekend we had to call the cops because one of my roommates' ex-boyfriend had broken into our house. The police came and looked for him in the house but couldn't find him, so they left after half and hour or so. Turns out he had hidden himself somewhere in the house for 6 hours after they left.
Another roommate moved out very suddenly because she had been a bit aggressive lately and broken random kitchen utensils in her rage-fits but got banned from the house because she hit one of the men who works here.
And a new girl has moved into the other house which has also brought some really surrealistic situations. She's very smart and independent, but when she gets angry or sad, her mind takes her back to her mental state when she was 5 years old which causes her to get the hissy-fits of a little child and everything is just really odd.

I'm doing okay at the moment. I had a meltdown this Thursday and I'm trying to work it off now. I think the reason why it hit me so hard was because I tried too hard to stay positive and by doing that, I didn't let out any negative emotions and pushed them away instead which only backfires in the long run. I'm okay now, but I can feel that I need to take some time to rest and allow myself to feel the negative emotions when they are there without grasping onto them too much and overthink them.

I still have this hollow feeling and insecurity about who I am as a person. I don't really know how and when it will go away, but I hope for it to be soon. It's quite annoying and I wish I didn't feel that way, but I also think it's understandable when you think about the fact that I'm trying to change my way of thinking. It'll most likely come together and set in normally once I get a grasp of it, but I know it takes time.

In three days it'll be 7 years since my father passed away. It's a weird to think that it has been that long but at the same time it feels like it's much longer. I'm okay with it and it's not because I'm sad about it, it's just a weird feeling I have about it all. He hasn't been there through all my teenage years and I've gotten over his death many years ago, but I still think of him often. It has been years since I visited his grave, so I think I'll come around and leave some flowers on his grave that day. I suspect that it might be hard even though I've gotten over it, but I think the one of the reasons why I'm good at keeping it at distance is because I haven't visited his grave for so long. Somehow knowing that his bones lies metres under me might be a thought that will be hard to grasp.

you're crouched on all fours counting tile, losing bile and sleep

I've cancelled all of my plans for today because I can feel that I just need a day to be myself and relax. I've been crazy social for the last week and a half, more social than I've been in a really long time. It has all been really fun and I enjoy having enough peace in my head to be around others, but today I can feel that I need to do some positive things alone and for myself only.
The 28th I stumbled into Emma on the stairs and she asked me if I wanted to go outside and throw eggs. She has had a lot of stressful things on her mind and felt like getting her frustrations out, and since eggs break easily and doesn't make a lot of noise but still has a satisfying way of cracking, it was a perfect choice.
Mikkel randomly called her when we were out, and when she told him what we were doing, he asked us if he could join in an throw some eggs, too. Then Stefan asked us too, and all of the sudden we were 4 frustrated young adults on a quest to find a shop where we could buy 80 eggs at night. Obviously it wasn't possible, so Mikkel came up with the idea that we should buy some wine and sit in a nearby park and "være nederen" together. It ended up being really fun though we also had some difficult talks.

Drunk kids.

The night after that, I went out with Emma. We went to Cosy, got some drinks and ended up talking with strangers (which is normally very unlike me, I'm really uncomfortable talking to people I don't know. I blame the alcohol).
I've also been on some "dates" with Jonas and ate out with him which has been really nice. I've walked some long walks with Emma and Frederikke, and other than that it has just been some random hang-out sessions with different people. I haven't really had any time for myself, maybe 2 hours a day where I was alone. It has all been really nice.

I've thought about doing a project where I paint a self portrait with a few months apart so I can look back and see how my mind changes. I'm currently in a spot where I feel like everything's blurred and uncertain because I'm trying to change my way of thinking. I think it might be interesting to paint what I feel without painting myself in figure, and then see how it has changed next time I paint again.

My weight has pretty much stayed the same since the last time I wrote here. I'm 49,5 kg at the moment and it seems like no matter what I do the number won't go up. My thoughts about it all changes a lot, but currently I'm coping very well and don't think that much and often about it all. The thing that annoys me the most is my self-perception. Every time I'm about to be weighed, I'm sure I've gained enough to not be underweight anymore, that I look healthy and am at the right spot, but when I step up on the scale it's still too low and haven't even changed at all and it all just confuses the shit out of me because I'm so sure that I've gained. 

As I wrote, I feel like everything's blurred and I'm unsure about a lot of things. That's also why I need this day to just be myself so I hopefully can get just a few pieces back in place. I'm ambivalent about how I feel and generally just who I am as a person now that I'm trying to change my thinking patterns, after all I've thought about things in this perspective since early my earliest teenage years. It's quite a change and because of that, I can't really grab a sense of myself and who I am. I'm not sure if I'm doing okay or not, but I guess that I'm okay at the moment. It's just a bit frustrating to feel so split about everything, but hopefully it'll pass.