We are intelligent people.

Yup, we are sexy beasts, we already know that. So anyway, this is Emilia, one of my closest friends. And pictures like this are our hobby.

Yesterday was a partially great day. It started out really, really bad inside my head, so Emilia came over. My boyfriend called me around 8 PM and asked us if we wanted to join him and his friend, so we went out to meet up with them at Christiania. I haven't been there for a year, so it was weird being there again, and especially because I mostly were there during the evenings/nights when I used to go there.
When we found a place to sit in a small garden, I heard someone yell - I turn my head, and then there's 2 people who litterally screams my name and runs over to me, haha. They were some I used to go to school with and haven't seen in months. The girl pretty much tackled me to the ground hugging me, and the boy lifting me 20 cm up in the air in a hug.
It's not really interesting, but it just made me so happy. It was nice to know that somebody had missed me. I really didn't expect that, and I am still smiling when I think about it. It lifted my mood 20 cm higher, haha!

But I had a really nice evening, one of the nicest evenings I've had in a long time.

And right at this moment, I'm really motivated to get better, and do something about it. If it's gone when I wake up tomorrow, I'm going to kick myself in the balls.

Changing habits.

I think it's time for me to change my habits out with healthy habits. People always say that eating well, sleeping well and exercising well makes the mind healthier too. And I want to get better, and it's just a plus that my body will grow stronger, too.

So from tomorrow on, I'll slowly start up on "half-qutting" my cigarettes, hahaha. Sounds lame, but.. Yeah. I'll try to smoke only when I'm social, and not smoke at all when I'm alone. I'll allow myself to smoke 2 morning cigarettes though, haha. I've been smoking around 25 cigarettes on average everyday for a last year, and smoking about 20 everyday the year before that. So I think it'll be hard to just stop one day to another... Then I figured this solution out, and I WILL make it work this time, haha!

2nd - No computer after 1 AM. That will hopefully make it easier for me to sleep. If I can't sleep, I can just turn on my TV.

3rd - Eat 3 meals everyday.
I've thought about going vegan for some time. I don't think I'm going to do it right now, though. Mostly because I've been eating dinner at my family's place a lot these days, but at my own place, I hardly ever buy anything that's not organic - I don't drink milk, and I don't like touching raw meat. But I still buy things that contains dairy products.
But yeah, I want to try making that a goal, to eat three "real" meals everyday, because I don't really do that anymore.

4th - Start exercising. Not crazily, but just a bit. Just start up easy, and then take it from there. Also because my lungs are bad, but hopefully that'll pass! But just 30 minutes everyday as a start. :]

And most of all, keep positivity with me! When I'm not well enough to get out of bed, I'll just try to motivate myself with thinking that sleep, regular eating and exercise often make the mind clearer and better, if done correctly. I have to do something about this, and I'm the only one who can do it!-sorta thing.

And with this, an important thing, too - start up on testosterone again. 

Tattoos.

I guess I've been living under a rock for quite a while, because apparently this song has been a hit - never heard of it until a few days ago. This song is just UUUUURGH, in the very good way! :D I've been listening to it on repeat since I found it. It's so good, haha. And bonus for a half-trippy music video.


On another note;
I think I've figured out the next piece I'm going to add to my sleeve-in-slow-progress will be. I've already planned that my left arm will be dedicated to an Audrey Kawasaki sleeve, but not entirely how I'm going to connect the pieces together. But I think I've found out how I'm going to make it end by the wrist now, which I've had a bit of trouble with. It needs a bit of correction and some added details, but it will be this picture;

This is just a white/black ver. of it, since... well, the sleeve will be b/w.

I think it will fade out with my other tattoo somewhat great actually. I'm going to change some things on the picture though, but just minor details... If I am completely sure that it's going to be this one, haha. But I'm kind of positive that it's going to be this one. It's just some months ahead I will get it, since I'm broke and I think this one is going to cost a good sum of money (it'll be medium-large in size).

But since I'm already on the topic of tattoos, I'm just going to show those I have already. I'm not really going into details why I got them done right now, haha. But they all have different meanings and matters a lot to me.

A tattoo between my brother and I, though he hasn't gotten his yet (he's still not sure of the size and how he want it. He talked about getting it as a chest-piece.) Memento mori means "remember you shall die" in Latin, and something I hold close to me.

He's my Phoenix. When I first saw the painting by Audrey Kawasaki, I was intrigued and fascinated.. There's a lot of meaning behind the reason why I got this tattooed on me, it's kind of hard to explain. He's my Phoenix.

"boys don't cry" by The Cure has been my favorite song for... I think it's about 4 years now. It was my first tattoo, got it in October 2010, I think..

"home could be anywhere, when I am holding you".

This is also the tattoo I've been asked most about what it actually is. It's Sputnik 1, the first satellite sent out in space. I'm a little geeky when it comes to satellites and outer space. Sputnik 1 also has some deeper meaning to me (or it used to). I'd like to get it re-done in the future and add planets around it, and most importantly off all; get the legs straight and even.

And this is the first link in my WIP-sleeve. The size is about the half of my underarm. Original painting by Audrey Kawasaki. "Eheu fugaces labuntur anni" = "Alas, the fleeting years are passing" in Latin. She covers my scars.

So that was my little guide!

I'd like to get a mermaid done on either my thigh or leg when I can afford it... Maybe I should wait with getting tattoos on my arms right now, since it's summer. (I never wear shorts outside, so technically it's smarter to get the mermaid done if I have money during the rest of the summer, hahah)

But anyway, this is pretty much a ramble, I'm over-tired and I feel like this post doesn't make sense, haha! :D

Don't listen to the words i say, the screams all sound the same.

I'm trying to go things through my mind these days. Not the current things, but things from the past. I think most of the problems I have now are somewhat linked to the things from my childhood in a way. It's something way back, because I remember when I was around 7-9 years old, I climbed trees - not out of fun, but because I wanted to break bones. Same reason I tried running into our swing frames, and also why I coated the bathroom floor with shampoo/conditioner/lotion (I don't remember exactly what it was I used, because it's not relevant). I didn't break anything any of the times though, luckily! I only sprained something when I was "lucky".

So I'm pretty convinced that one thing I need to figure out is from an event before that age. Or if maybe I'm just a fragile person. I don't know. But it's worth trying (that's also why I've written about eating disorders in a previous entry - I'm trying to sort things out).
 I really want to get better in the future and not become depressed, so I'm trying to get these things out now where I'm able to think about the things. 

For an example, phobias are often triggered by an event - I became afraid of water when I saw someone drowning at the swim as a kid - and I think that depression or whatnot is often also started by an event or more events together. Now I want to know the roots and know where it started, so I can start working on it.

So yeah, this blog will probably contain a lot of "vending" entries and a lot of thoughts/memories in the next while. 

Note to self.

The grass is not neccesarily greener on the other side of the fence

Good days.

Hello!

For the first time in a long time, I'm actually doing pretty great. As mentioned previously, I've been having months of feeling sad and hopeless and generally not good. But I hope it's over now, just for this while.
These last few days has been good, my mood has been lifted and I've felt great (bad thoughts limited, been able to sleep and had the will and surplus to do things), so it's all good. Nothing there. :] I know it return later on as it always does, but it's a somehow bearable fact right now.

My favorite time of the 24 hours is around 4 in the morning. There's this amazing atmosphere and feeling dazing around that time. Actually, it's 5 minutes to 4 AM right now, hahah.
It's around this time that the birds start to chirp, and the sun slowly comes to the surface again. It's not night nor morning, and everything is bathed in a blue haze. No one is up. It's simply peaceful.
So I went for a walk two days ago, at 4 AM. I live in a rather busy part of Copenhagen, and there's always some kind of noise, whether it's from cars or pedestriants, you can always hear someone. But this time, there was NO sound at all. I walked down the entire road, and I never heard any sound of anything, besides birds. It was so odd, as if it was an abandoned town, hahaha. But I couldn't even hear cars, not one single car. Never tried that in this city.
So now I've decided that I'll go for walks around this time later on, if I'm not sleeping. It's worth it!

Realized that this might be triggering, so trigger warning of doom;

Yesterday, I found a picture from last year when I was in London with a good friend of mine. And I completely freaked out, haha! Not in a bad way, but I was just shocked for some weird reason.
I actually thought that I was slimmer back then than I am now, but now I'm not really sure... My face was apparently almost round, haha. Oh dear. I really hope that I've lost that weight. It's just weird, because I'm 100% certain that my weight is higher than it was back then!
And speaking of weight, I've realized something that's quite odd. I had an eating disorder for about 7 years, and it's mostly under control now, with only a few spurts during the year. But I realized something.... The last 3 years, I've always had my downs around May and June. 2010, 2011, 2012 - all of them were focused on food around those months. It's really weird! I have no idea why it happens around that time... I'm not the one who parades around in nothing (for obvious reasons.)
I never want to go back to those years again, and I'm pretty sure those years have destroyed some physical things as well as psychological. 7 years with a BMI ranging between 13 to 15. At my lowest, I weighed 35 kg. I'm happy I don't have any pictures from that time.

This picture is 3 or 4 years old. I weighed 42 kg back then, with a BMI on 15. (and yes, I was one of those V-kei kids with half-shaved eyebrows, hahaha!)

I'm about 16 kg heavier now, I think, and at the exact weight I should be. I'm not really sure what I weigh right now, to be honest..
And completely honest, I'd still like to loose about 5 kg. I would still be within a healthy range at that weight, because I know it's easy for me to let it take over.
And if I'm extremely honest-- I'd like to loose 8 kg in reality, but that's not an option. I won't allow myself to get there, simple as that. :] But around 4 or 5 kg is good enough, unless it's lost in an unhealthy way. Just normal-sized, healthy meals and (not extreme) exercise.

I might write later, if I feel like it and I'm not asleep (it's 5 AM now). Positivity, positivity! Keep on being positive.

Seperate thoughts.

Most of all I just want to get that self-destructive part of myself out, and sometimes I'm afraid that I'm going to loose this battle.
 I honestly don't know why I have this part in me. I was a really fragile kid. It wasn't the bullies fault that I started hating myself, nor my parents or anyone else around me. It was me who beat myself up inside, and I was the one who started to pressure myself. 

With the opinions I have about myself, I don't need more disappointment and pressure voiced from others about me. I have a poor vision of what I'm capable of, and I keep thinking about all the things I don't do because I'm too insecure about doing them, which only makes it worse. It's kind of an uroboros. Too convinced that I'm not able to do it that I can't get myself to do it, and then hitting myself in the head over the fact that I didn't do it.

I find it sick that my first suicidal thoughts started when I was just 10 years old. A kid that age should not think about death at all. It's been 9 years now with those thoughts now on a daily basis. Out of those 9 years, I think about 6-9 months of them are the total of days where I haven't thought about it in any way. And it frightens me.

 Unlike previously, I didn't make myself throw up because of weight battles. I was just so fucking stressed out and sad about a week ago, and before I knew it, I was bending over with vomit on my hand. I'm so disgusted with myself, and also scared, because I immediately felt better when everything out. It was like I let the bad things out and they were gone for that second. They were out of me.

There's a street near me called "Rolighedsvej". It means "Tranquility Street". I want to live there.