Those thoughts in my head.

I have those loud thoughts in my head sometimes. They can be overpowering and yell, and they can roar loud enough for me to be unable fall asleep. The subject varies, and they can somehow manage to get rid of my normal logic, they can leave me paralyzed when they are at their loudest.
It's like a ghost from the past are trying to drag me into its arms, and keep me where it's safest. I've worked so hard to get this far, and I don't want to surrender, I don't want to fall. I want to be naive and not know the horrors, and I want to start over. And lately, this ghost is starting to speak and sneak up on me when I'm not looking.
I'd love to see the bones, feel nothing but skin on top and see the veins underneath. And I keep listening to the thoughts in my head, but then my logic bursts in, and starts yelling. And I stand with all these thoughts in my head, and I can't figure right from wrong, and I just keep silent.
I look at the people around me, and they all have their own battles to fight, and they all are fragile. I've been voicing so many things to them in the past, that I don't want to burden them anymore. All the other things went away, and I want these to go, too. And they will.
And now, even if I wanted to talk about it, I can't seem to find any words, can't start it, because there's too much going on inside my head, and I can't figure heads from tails. And everyone is out doing things they cherish and having blast, and everyone is getting thin and not eating, and everyone's getting high. And they'd talk to me about it, and I push my own boundaries away and I listen, and I go to bed with a bad feeling in my stomach, because I can't take anything anymore. And the voices roar and thunders inside me.
There's this girl who is always so little and petite, she's at 50 kg at her highest maybe. And she's been stressed and sad, so she hasn't been eating. And I've seen her drop the weight so many times now, and now she is at 44 kg. And she hasn't done anything self-induced to get there; and she'd talk to me about it, and she'd show me her back and her bones, and say "you really think I'm skinny?" and smile and flaunt it when I say yes.
It's not fair, she does nothing herself to loose the weight. She says she's not that skinny, and here I sit at 62 kg, 18 kg more than her, and I feel like a whale and a monster because I can't say no to my cravings.
And then there's this girl, who is the exact height as me, who weighs 10 kg less than me. And she close-to-starves herself, she has the self-control I don't have, and I can't help but hate myself more.
Yet I still can't say no to the food, and I want to get there to the point where I'm skinny and can see the bones and no fat, and I can breathe and see no hips or breast or lovehandles anymore.

I hate myself and I can't seem to talk to anyone about it, AND IT'S ALWAYS THERE. 

And I hate myself for setting my own goals, that I'm good and all is okay, when I tend to fall apart at night and keep it all inside after it. Because if people knew, they'd think I haven't gotten better, and I don't want that, because I really have.
And I'd punish myself if I could, but I can't get myself to do it, because my logic kicks in. And the logic and the thoughts argue and yell at each other, and I'm split in my actions, and I feel abandoned by them all.

I need to get away, I need to do something, because I can't bear being alone with all of this on my own, yet I don't want to talk with anyone. I'm split between so many things and options, and I keep doubting myself because of the arguments going on inside me. I need to be with someone, do something to keep the arguments away and keep me sane, because I'm slowly falling down. It's hard getting up there again, I know from experience, but this ghost keep pushing me when I climb up the stairs.

I can't stay in this body, but it's the one thing I can't change. Even when I die it will be kept like that, I will die like this, even though I will fight for a lifetime it won't pay off at the very end. Because you simply can't just change bone structure. If I got digged up after death, they would still say "oh, a female human born in the 1990's, interesting" and I'm not so sure if it's worth fighting for anymore. I will always be like this, I can't change any genes or anything internal, I can only change parts of the husk I'm in. And I just want to break free from it all, get out of this body now and rip off this skin and wake up from this dream.

I decided to post this, because then maybe I would have to face one less person about it. Somehow it's easier. 

An introduction that didn't want to be short, apparently....

Just a short introduction, so I can get this blog starting!

My name is Damien, and this will be my blog for now. I've had a few ones before, but now it's been over 7 months since the last entry in my previous blog, so I decided to just abandon it. I've changed a lot since then, and somehow I wanted to leave that part behind me.
When I look back at that blog, I realize how much I've grown with myself. It's nice to finally think that everything has paid off - I've pretty much been "declared normal and sane" by my psychiatrist now, been  completely off meds for almost a year now with no relapse at all, and moved to a sort of collective where other young adults are living while they look for their own apartments (where, on the other hand, the house I lived in before was more for people who had just begun to feel better and/or just been signed out from the hospital). Honestly, I'm proud of myself. Never had I imagined that I would come this far - three years back, I couldn't even imagine myself living a week out in the future.
I'd like to think I've learned a lot these months I haven't been blogging. Both about myself, others, and how things work.
There's been a lot of obstacles that have - as cliché as it may sound - only made me stronger. Because I learned that if it would never be possible, there can often be a way to get there anyway, even though it might take 5 or 8 years more than the other option. But eventually we will get there, despite the obstacles and complications.

I've already made a huge rant... Wow. So now, just some dry facts, so it won't be too long!
I turn 19 in less than a month, live in Copenhagen, in an amazing relationship, and I'm currently unemployed/not attending any school, though I'm hoping for a spot at a school called VERA around summertime. Since I'm not doing anything these days, I'm on a mission to try and be as creative as possible and challenge myself a bit with different things - trying out clay soon, as an example. When creative, I mostly draw, write and paint.

Annnnnnd... Last but not least; what I'll use this blog for!
Pretty much everything. Both about my daily life + pictures from it, but also thoughts, and creativity. I have no intentions of making this blog interesting, haha. I just want to blog for my own sake.
If my entry is in cursive like this, it's fictionary and just short stories/writing of whatever kind that has nothing to do with myself, other than I've written it. Most of the time I write fiction, it's about a character I have. :] But more about that another time.

But I'm off now, this entry became way longer than I intented! :0 Take care for now!

- Damien.