I've had four really good days and my mood has been really great and surplus-y. It's been really great.
I've been busy and had a lot of things to do, so I've kept myself at pace. I've met up with my sister, hugn out with Emilia a few times, seen my therapist, made dinner for 8 people, had one of the most cozy evenings in a long time with my boyfriend, managed to go shopping without hitting and/or killing someone, and today spent time at Ikea for a few hours shopping equipments with some roommates. I should mention that clothes shopping is one thing I avoid out of hate, and the same goes for Ikea trips. I also fell asleep at 11 PM one of the days. Success!
I don't know what has happened to my mood and energy these days, but it's been fantastic.
I was supposed to go to a meeting about my economy yesterday, but when we got there, they told me - second time in a row without informing me - that they had moved my appointment. I don't understand why they can't just inform me before the meeting that it's been cancelled.. And also, a thing that enrages me... The meeting is near the end of this month. There's a reason why I'm having that meeting, it's kind of urgent because living without money is not realistic. They should really get their shit together when it's something acute... I know others from other municipaties that are in the exact same spot as me right at the moment.
With my recent weightloss, I've managed to actually loose enough to be completely flat when wearing my binder. It's an amazing feeling to see yourself completely flat-chested in the mirror, despite the torso pain after a few hours of wearing it, but it's all worth it. Despite being small, I've always had a slight bump even when wearing my binder, but it's pretty much gone now.
I'm looking forward to the day that I get top surgery done. I'm lucky enough to be a candidate for a "keyhole incision" as it's called, but unfortunate enough to live in Denmark where no one performs such an operation.. There's not that many surgeons who does it apparently, and I'd prefer not to have a bilateral incision (the surgery where you get scars across your chest) if it's possible. I'm aching for the day to come, even though it's years ahead of me.
My psychiatrist wants me to try getting through at Sexologisk Klinik, but I'm far from keen on it. I've heard and known a lot of people who has been harassed and been looked down upon from the professionals, and it's nothing I want to experience. Second of all, I'm not allowed because I have a diagnosis and if you have ever been in the psychiatric system, you're seen as a lunatic and like you don't know what you're really doing (need to point out that this is what I've heard from others, I have never had any treatment through Sexologisk Klinik, but another place). But he thinks I should try it out, that it wouldn't hurt which might be true. If I could start treatment in their care, they'll pay for the hormones and surgeries.. My inheritance was meant for my transition, but because I haven't had any kind of income for so long, I've been more or less forced to live off that.. So there goes the money meant for hormones and top surgery.
I guess it wouldn't hurt trying to see if I could even get accepted into their care (because of the diagnosis), but I need to think it over. My psychiatrist is on my side and will try to defend me as much as possible if they can't look past the diagnosis, since it actually was a wrong diagnosis they gave me when I was hospitalized. He has promised me that he'll try as much as possible. to convince them to help me out.
Within the next few months, there'll be a lot of moving around at my residency. I'm really sad that Mikkel is moving, but I'm also really happy for him. He really deserves it! Askur is moving too, and even though I haven't talked with him much for the last months, it'll be weird without him because I have some great memories with him and I worry alot about him. Camilla moved out yesterday, after spending 3 years here in total. I wish them all the best of luck for the future. When thinking about it, the "old crew"has kind of vanished. Loop, Jonas, Laura, Camilla, Nanna and Stefan moved out, and now Askur. It's actually only Emma and I that are left from "the old crew", so to say. Emma and I have been closest, since she moved in not much longer after I moved in 2 years ago in the previous house and we kind of followed each other through thick and thin from day 1. Sometimes we have late night-talks about how much we've changed, both of us, from back then to now.
Back then I was a self-harming, confused, self-loathing, scared kid who abused myself in as many actions possible. Even though I write a lot about depression and suicide on this blog and still battles it, I've moved a long way and in the right direction. It's not nearly as bad as it was back then, far from it, and I can see it in a better view now.
Back then, I self-harmed more or less daily, smoked too much weed, tried to fuck the things I had on my mind away which always backfired and made me end up feeling worthless, drank too often, didn't understand why I couldn't be happy with the body I'm in, relied too much on others and was very unstable in my mood.
Now I don't self-harm in any way at all, I rarely smoke weed (once a month, maybe), I have a steady relationship without relying too much on him, very rarely drink alcohol (once every 3rd month?), I'm out as transgender and hopefully re-starting my transition soon, and I'm better at controlling myself and actions. I'm still depressed, but when looking back, I've changed an awful lot and I need to remind myself of that. If I'm depressed, I tend to think I haven't changed at all, but that's not true - quite the contrary actually.
Wow, this feels all awkward to write. That person I was just 2 years ago is nothing like the person I am today in any way, so it feels weird to write it down like that and comparing. Really fucking weird and awkward.
But I'm much more whole, subtle-minded and closer to happiness than I was back then, even though life can be the thing I want out of the most sometimes. I'm definitely treating myself more like a humanbeing now.
I've bought "The Easy Way To Stop Smoking", so I'm gonna give it a go one of these days. I've also realised that I don't even enjoy cigarettes anymore, I honestly don't remember the last time I enjoyed one... They're all out of habit now. Waking up-cigarette, coffee-cigarette, boredom-cigarette, waiting-cigarette, after meal-cigarette etc... None of them are actual pleasures anymore, so what's the point in it? I would also like my lungs to be better so I will be able to last longer when exercising and just my general health - and economy. It also makes it easier that Emma stopped a week ago and Emilia is stopping soon. This time will be it!
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