it started with a handgun loaded with excuses

So Christmas came and went. It was quite a great night, we held kind of and "anti-Christmas" since none of us care much for Christmas. We ate the traditional Danish dinner, opened a few presents and that was pretty much all that can be considered Christmassy... We listened to The Doors and Queen most of the night, had some of our delightful, untraditional conversations and relaxed.

Today I've hung out a little bit with Emilia. We don't really see each other as much as we usually do right at the moment and I can definitely feel a difference in that. So it was nice to see her again though we didn't have that much time to spend as she had to be home at 7 PM. After that I spent some time at my mum's and Jonas came over somewhere during the evening but left at 2 AM because of some problems with his family. It's 5:30 AM now and I can't really fall asleep. I've also caught a fever, so my body is aching quite bad, though it's not as bad as it was earlier this night.

I don't really know what to do with myself right now and I feel sort of confused about a lot of things. I have a lot of thoughts on my mind in different directions and I can't really get to the bottom of any of them because there's too many of them at once. I guess a lot of it stems from my own insecurities which all are way too loud these days. It's one of those times where my insecurity gets out of hand and I feel this overwhelming fear of failing anyone's expectations aswell as my own to an extent where I'm more or less putting a lid on myself and my own wants/needs. I feel like a liar and I feel fake for not really being able to talk about my own thoughts with others right now. I'm afraid of pulling a trigger, offending someone, letting them down or not being what they'd expect of me by telling them. I'm just really scared of not being able to provide enough and I feel like it shouldn't matter what I feel and think, as long as they are functioning properly. But if I were to talk about my thoughts, I wouldn't even know where to start anyway.
There's just a little bit too much inside my head and I can't really get it out. I miss being lightheaded right now.