I heard the train shake the windows, you screamed over the sound

I'm closer to being done with the apartment, I just have to wait until the 1st of June so I can buy the desk/bookcase I don't have enough money for at the moment, and after that I'm pretty much done with the apartment. I'm settling in nicely though the first night was a bit lonely, but the other nights have been good.
Right before I moved in, Miriam told me that she expected wild parties and freedom when she got her own apartment. In reality, she spent the first 3 months on being lonely. I can definitely see where she's coming from, so I'm trying to keep myself busy and have people over as often as possible.
But all in all, it's really great to finally have my own place. Now I'm just waiting for August to come so I can start studying. Everything seems to be on the right track and I'm excited about life.

I'm really broke though, so I'm just trying to survive the next 9 days (payday is the 31st of this month for me). Jonas is coming over soon and I'm looking forward to his company.

I weighed myself yesterday and I've lost weight again. I'm really angry at myself, because I know some of the factors of it has not only been due to my lack of money, but also due to being stressed and caving in more easily to the eating disorder because of that. It's kind of a battle to fight ED while being broke, because you somehow (at least I do) think that if you're low on cash, it makes more sense to save money for the rest of the month by not eating much throughout the day. It makes sense in a certain way, but I think I might take it to a more illogical point - though I have some pears, crispbread and peanut butter that I can just eat when I'm hungry, I end up eating it hours after I started getting hungry, meaning that my intake gets lower because I eat irregularly. I should refrain from it because I know very well with myself that not eating enough triggers my issues with food and weight more than anything else. So I'm a bit angry at myself for allowing the disordered parts of me to take over, but I'm trying to get back on track again with it and put up a fight, it's just a bit hard, but at least I'm trying to fight it.

I'm still doing really good and enjoying life.

when you used to need it more

I've been really busy all week and haven't had time to sit down and relax for more than 5 minutes at a time, but it has been a nice kind of busy. Two major changes came this week and I have a lot of thoughts in my head about it - mostly positive though.
I've officially moved out of my residency now and live in my own apartment (with the support of the staff from my residency when I need it), and I'm not a teenager anymore.
Two chapters of my life have ended and I haven't really had time to think much about it, but I'll probably make an entry about the two things within the next few days.

First off - yesterday I turned 20. I woke up at my mum's place because we have a tradition in my family, to eat pancakes on my birthday. I had plans all day, so we decided to celebrate it with pancakes in the morning instead of noon. Then I had to hurry back home to my apartment and drop off some pots and pans and then went back to the residency to celebrate it with my now-former roommates and had Daim layercake. At 5 PM I went out with Jonas who treated me with sushi. It was the most amazing place - on the top of Tivoli Hotel on the 12th floor so we could see over Copenhagen while eating the most delicious sushi I've had in a long time. The view was amazing and I can't do anything else than recommend the place to others. It was a great experience.
I also got some really great presents from people - a set of knives, cutting boards, a hand blender, a giftcard to Ikea, 500 DKK to buy the missing food items for my new apartment (like salt, olive oil, sugar etc.), coffee and toilet paper with ducks on from Emma (kind of a joke we have going on), and a beautiful sketch book from Frederikke. Besides inviting me out, Jonas have bought a star in my name, so I'm now a legit owner of a star. Oh, and just because it was really sweet of him - when I returned home to my apartment, Mikkel had taped a shitload of flags on my front door and written me a birthday note on my door.
I'm so grateful to have these people in my life.

As said, I've moved out - the apartment turned out way better than I imagined it would be and I'm really happy about it by now. It's been a hectic week. Monday, I got green lights for moving out as soon as I could and started packing some boxes. Tuesday I fixed the holes in the walls that the previous owner had left, and then I started painting the walls with help from Frederikke and Mikkel. Wednesday was spent on painting the walls with the help from them again, and then I went to Ikea during the evening (unfortunately with no luck). Thursday, we moved all my furniture to the apartment and started unpacking boxes. Emilia came over during the evening and helped me clean the kitchen since the previous owner left it in quite a mess. Friday was my birthday.

and every time is the last time

It's only 11 AM and it's already 17 degrees here. I'm not really a big fan of winter or cold weather in general, so I'm extremely stoked about the temperatures getting hotter and seeing more plants turning green again. My face has already started tan up just slightly because I try to be outside as much as possible.

My birthday is only 8 days away. I don't really understand that I'm almost 20 years old, it certainly doesn't feel like what I thought it would when I was a kid. It's weird, most of the people I've talked about age with agrees with it - when they were kids, they were also sure that when you were 20 years old, you'd be steady in life and sure about what and where you're going and generally just act like what we thought was "adult". In reality, we're all still running around in a haze of confusion and idiocrasy.
Speaking of that, this confirms it all; Mikkel and I are attending a soapbox car-race on the 26th this month. Not because we're actually aiming to win the race, but because we want to make the coolest soapbox car ever made. We already have a theme for the car and a name - "Soap in in the air" (reference to a Danish pop song from 2000, because we can). Our theme is "pimp", so we're going to paint it purple with a lot of feathers, chains and in-your-face-gadgets.

Jonas and I have been together for 2 years in less than a month from now. Kind of crazy to think about, because it somehow feels much longer and yet like a shorter amount of time. I'm really happy about it all and I'm looking forward to spending the day on doing something nice together, just the two of us.

I've also signed up for school! I'm starting on August 19th. It'll just be Danish, English and math for this round so I can finally get to finish that chapter and graduate. I'm actually really excited about this. It's only a year, so if I start to get tired of it all, I just have to remember that if I don't finish now, I'll have to take the classes all over again someday. I'm really looking forward to start up and stop worrying about my lack of education.

I'm also set to move out of this house somewhere in the middle of June. It's the most shitty apartment I could ever think of, but I'm trying to get the best out of it and not be bitter about it. I'll still try to fight for one of the other apartments though, but I'll accept it if it doesn't turn out like the way I'd prefer it.
It's only 14km2 (the room I have right now is actually slightly bigger than that apartment), 1 room with only 1 window and pipes sticking out of the wall, dark worn-out floor and the smallest kitchen. On top of that, I don't even get to have my own bathroom, I have to share it with my neighbor. When I describe it, it doesn't even sound as shitty as it is in real life, haha. It just annoys me to know that there's an empty apartment that's 3 times as big as this one with light floors and a lot of windows, the cutest kitchen and a bathroom. As it is right now, there's no one to move into that apartment, so it bugs me a bit that I can't take over that apartment instead of the shitty one.
I'm trying to be positive about it though, since I'm really just looking forward to moving out.

There's not really any news about my internship-hunting. I might be able to "work" at a library nearby, but it's not really set at all right now. I'm hoping for it, though.

Klarsyn

Yes, I am sitting on a dragon because fuck you that's why.

I'm not that good at pulling myself together and update this blog right at the moment. I'll just write a short entry for today because I'm actually about to get some well-deserved rest and sleep.
I'm very content at the moment. I've generally just been feeling all kinds of positive emotions for a good while now. The days are looking brighter, and each day is bringing me new opportunities.
I don't really have much time alone and I'm in a constant movement these days. I spend about 90% of the hours I'm awake with someone by my side, and the last 10% is nowhere near anything uncomfortable. I feel at rest and I feel comfortable in life as it is right now, and though there might still be some battles, I'm getting really good at controlling them and not letting them overtake me too much.

I feel like I've gotten a hold of myself, that I know who I am and I don't feel like a shell anymore. I have a strong sense of who I am and I'm trying to hold on to it so I won't end up "losing myself" again.
The last four or five days, I've felt like I was completely in the present most of the time, that I've appreciated the small things in life and the greater aspect, that I can breathe.

Summarizing what I've been up to the last few days; went out and saw "Hair" at Østre Gasværk, been to the zoo with Jonas, had a water-fight in the sun, went for a lot of long walks with good company, "broken into" the school I went to in 2011, went to the ER, been to Christiania, tried out a newly-opened hookah bar nearby, eaten sushi and laughed too hard at too many things.