Sleeping with ghosts

I - very randomly and unplanned - stumbled upon this picture old picture of myself on DeviantArt. It was by coincidence I found it, since it was through someone's site I was browsing that I stumbled upon it. I always find it weird to look at old photos of myself. This one was taken back in 2008, which means I was either 14 or 15 years old at the time. My family still have that camera laying around somewhere, if I remember correctly.

It's weird, but I feel like the me from my past is a different person than the one I am today. Not metaphorically or anything, but litterally as it was another human being with another life. I can have a hard time trying to think about my past, both things that I have done and how I've reacted to certain event, interests and preferrings because everything is so distant and vague by now.
Of course I have roots of my "previous self" if I can say it like that, I have things that still rings through me and certain characters that are still exactly the same. But seeing the whole picture, it's a minority that still hangs around.
I think there's a lot of reasons to it, first off being the fact that I was a teenager and that time of your life is about forming yourself and figuring yourself out, finding your boundaries and all in all just trying to become independent. Besides that reason, I think it also has a lot to do with being swallowed up in different disorders through my teens. It's quite common to "lose yourself" while having a mental disorders, your way of seeing life often changes and your previous interests often decreases/extincts or changes, which might depend on the disorder (weirdly enough).
I was eating disordered and depressed basically through all of my teenage years, at one point suffering with delusions which luckily went away quite "quickly" (so to say). When I started getting better, though not all recovered, I started to notice a change in myself.
I can easily say that I know myself way better than I did just 2 years ago, which is a weird feeling. The person I was 2 years ago seems so far away from the person I am today, a lot of things now being completely opposite. I was uncertain and constantly going through phases in the hopes of figuring myself out, but it never really happened that way. Differently than all I tried, it came when I stopped trying to find myself/when I got better.

If I met the soul of "my previous self" I probably wouldn't guess it was myself from the past. The way of thinking, reacting and overall just mentality is so off and far away by now.. I might have a lot of emotional outbursts here on my blog, but it usually passes and are way more lighter than they have ever been. Back then, my head was a constant maelstrom of an overwhelming sadness and desperation which never got a break. I was better at concealing it though, which probably was why it kept going on for so long, because I didn't get it off my chest. I've learned the importance of trusting and letting go, though it still can be hard for me sometimes. But at least I have breaks from that sadness now, most often very long breaks before it returns/the negativity isn't constant anymore.
 I always feel weird if someone says "but you used to like/look/think/say.." because the me they knew is not who I am anymore.

Despite all the psychological differences, there's also been quite a big shift in my appearance and interests. Whenever someone mentions my previous interests or looks, I have to fight the urge to punch them in the eye (lol, might be exaggerating a bit here but you know). It's actually quite often someone mentions my previous interests despite not even knowing me at that time - most oftenly mentioned is Japanese youth culture-related things, even though I haven't given a flying fuck about that since I was about 16 years old, haha. But they are all much more superficial things than what I wanted to write about in this entry, so I'm not really going into that (though, surprisingly, there are some reasons behind it all).

I just find it weird to look at pictures from the past and thinking about life and how I saw it back then. I think (though I don't know if it's actually like that) most people will always find it funny to see photos of themselves as young/mid-teens mostly because of the way they looked, but most of the saved pictures I have of myself from the past reminds me of certain mental states I had at the time of each specific picture. There's a lot of memories behind many of them and even though I can't bond or connect with the states I was in back then, they mean a lot to me. I don't live through the old emotions when I look at them. It feels more as if a ghost of the past me is coming over for a brief visit. I tell him that things turned out better than he'd expect.

it started with a handgun loaded with excuses

So Christmas came and went. It was quite a great night, we held kind of and "anti-Christmas" since none of us care much for Christmas. We ate the traditional Danish dinner, opened a few presents and that was pretty much all that can be considered Christmassy... We listened to The Doors and Queen most of the night, had some of our delightful, untraditional conversations and relaxed.

Today I've hung out a little bit with Emilia. We don't really see each other as much as we usually do right at the moment and I can definitely feel a difference in that. So it was nice to see her again though we didn't have that much time to spend as she had to be home at 7 PM. After that I spent some time at my mum's and Jonas came over somewhere during the evening but left at 2 AM because of some problems with his family. It's 5:30 AM now and I can't really fall asleep. I've also caught a fever, so my body is aching quite bad, though it's not as bad as it was earlier this night.

I don't really know what to do with myself right now and I feel sort of confused about a lot of things. I have a lot of thoughts on my mind in different directions and I can't really get to the bottom of any of them because there's too many of them at once. I guess a lot of it stems from my own insecurities which all are way too loud these days. It's one of those times where my insecurity gets out of hand and I feel this overwhelming fear of failing anyone's expectations aswell as my own to an extent where I'm more or less putting a lid on myself and my own wants/needs. I feel like a liar and I feel fake for not really being able to talk about my own thoughts with others right now. I'm afraid of pulling a trigger, offending someone, letting them down or not being what they'd expect of me by telling them. I'm just really scared of not being able to provide enough and I feel like it shouldn't matter what I feel and think, as long as they are functioning properly. But if I were to talk about my thoughts, I wouldn't even know where to start anyway.
There's just a little bit too much inside my head and I can't really get it out. I miss being lightheaded right now.

it seems it's written but we can't read between the lines

So Christmas is just around the corner and I haven't bought one single present yet. This will be interesting. I think this is a pretty typical thing of me to do, I always end up buying them right before Christmas Eve in a stressful manner, lol.
I'm going home to my Mum and will spent the evening with my sister, my mum and Jonas. My brother leaves for Marocco tomorrow, so he won't be celebrating it with us.

I'm dealing with some jealousy right at the moment, but I'm trying not to let anything out on Jonas because it's really not his fault and the jealousy has something to do with previous events in my life that I need to work out. It's very rare for me to get jealous, but when I do, it's gets really painful. I've been "a second choice" before and ended up being the one left, generally always feel like I'm not enough (goes for most of my qualities as in friendships, love, creative stuff and just as a person that I feel this way), and I've been abandoned/have a fear of being left behind because of some things in my past. It's all a bunch of things I need to work out with my therapist, because there's no reason to feel jealous in this at all.

The last time I weighed myself, I weighed 43,8 kg. I'm not sure what I weigh right now - it's two days ago since I last stepped on a scale if I remember correctly. I still keep battling between thinking that there is no problem in that and that this is not normal at all and I should seek help. Logically, I know it's not healthy and good for me, that weighing that while being 168 cm is extremely unhealthy but at the same time I feel like I'm an exception and that it's not that big of a deal. I'll try to figure out what to do, but I know I'll wait until Christmas is over before asking for help/support because it'll just become hectic otherwise.

I'm at my mum's place right now because last night was horrible. It's really rare for me to cry, but I ended up crying like a baby last night for a good while and after that followed one of the worst anxiety attacks I've ever had in my life. So I'm at her place right now and spent pretty much all day on the couch relaxing. It's okay and I'm fine now, just a bit tired but can't really sleep. If I'm still awake at 5 AM, I'm going to get on a train and head towards Jonas. 

Make the same mistake twice.

I'm going to a party tomorrow and I'm actually excited about it. I've avoided social gatherings with strangers for a long time now, so it's a weird feeling to actually looking forward to something like this. Laura is throwing the party, and I'm attending together with Emilia and Jonas. Before that, Jonas is coming over early in the day and Emilia later on and then we're going to make some dinner together before we head off to the party at 10 PM. It'll just be kind of interesting to see how everybody is going to fit in since it's a small apartment and there's coming quite a lot.
Which reminds me that I need to buy some vodka...

So things are going fine, both moodwise and the things happening in life. I can definitely feel a difference now that I don't have to worry about my lack of money and what to do in the new year, it's almost as if a stone was lifted off my chest. I haven't really had any negative thoughts and there has been no anxiety.

I recieved the journal from my hospitalization in 2009, and holy shit, so many papers. It was a package, not a letter as I'd guess. I've read 1/4 of the journal and it's quite interesting to read. There are some things I didn't even know were written or considered by the doctors. For example, I didn't know that they previously diagnosed me with moderate depressive episode and gender identity disorder, the doctors never told me that for some reason. I've also laughed a bit about the things they've written about me (they have described me as awkward more than once in the journal).
It's weird to read about my 16-year-old fucked up self, but also really freeing in a way. I'm aware that not everything is gone, but if I compare myself now to how I was back then, 85% of my problematics are gone or are under control.
There are also a lot of phone conversations between my mum and the nurses written down in the journal, which is also really interesting to read.
When I've read everything through, I'll probably write a long entry about the hospitalization, how I was back then and what happens within a psychiatric hospital since people tend to think that only "nutjobs" go there (spoiler; people are wrong).

 I'll try get my act together and tidy up my room for tomorrow now. I'm thinking about writing more entries about my point of view on things, but I'm afraid if I end up looking like a know-it-all type of person (when honestly, I don't know anything, haha.) I've grown really fond of debates and exchanging point of views lately, but I'm always open to hear about other's opinions and reasons if they think something different, because that also educates me/gives more thoughts. As cliché and lame as it is, I've thought about doing an entry about drugs since it's an issue in my life that tends to come back from time to time (as in friends who tries to beat their addictions), and an entry about sex (because that's a subject that usually stirs the most interesting opinions when I talk with others about it, and I also have a lot of opinions about it). Also an entry about love and what it means to me, and what perfection is for me (that a thing Emilia and I planned to write about on each blogs, she posted her opinion month ago on her blog but I never really got to write mine because I'm lazy.)

And just a little thing - I'm completely alone in the house right now, it's 3 AM and the phone keeps ringing, despite everybody who has the number to the house knows that no one is there to pick up the phone after 4 PM on Fridays. It's 3 AM, so I'm kind of freaked out because they keep calling and well... people usually don't call a house phone at 3 AM.

And all that could have been.

My head is 18 mm away from being bald now. I'm actually really enjoying this length and I think it turned out way better than imagined. I don't think I've ever had this short hair in my life, it was even longer back when I was born.. I'm glad I ended up getting rid of it all, because I'm quite pleased with it.

My financial problems will hopefully be solved somewhere in next week, or else it will be solved on January 1st. I hope it will work out this week though, since I only have 150 DKK to live for right now. Cross your fingers for me!

I've been kind of confused about a lot of things lately, not really being able to pinpoint much. I guess it has just been a lot of thoughts in different directions and I've thought way too much about things.
I'm kind of ashamed to admit this because I had taken quite a lot pride in not doing it for so long, but I ended up harming myself yesterday. I'm trying not to think of it as a "relapse" but more as a "slip-up". The wounds are not bad, they're shallow and not nearly as many as I'd usually make in the past. More importantly, I came to the realization that this didn't make me gain the comfort I used to get when I did this in the past, so I'm not worried that this is something I'll do again (for a very long time at least.) Though I'm ashamed, I'm somehow "glad" I did it (please don't misunderstand that), because I really just realized that this is not the way to solve anything for me.
It's actually surprisingly difficult to write an entry these days, because I'm trying to not write about weight and food so much.  I'm back to 45 kg again. The staff of my residency have decided to start weighing me every Thursday which freaks me out.

Not many things are happening in my life right at the moment, not anything I'd like to write about here at least for the sake of others. But overall, things are okay. We're having another Christmas-get-together tomorrow evening, I'm looking forward to it. I hope to see some of the awesome people from the other houses and have a nice time with them. My sisters birthday is coming up soon, so I'll try to figure out a present for her tomorrow.
Despite the things written above, I'm doing good.

There's an old voice in my head that's holding me back.

This was the view I woke up to this morning. As said before, the view from the window near my bed faces a cemetery which explains the grave stones, kind of scary but really beautiful most mornings.
Apparently it snowed overnight, so Copenhagen is covered in a pretty layer of white right now.
This invites me to go crazy in the snow with Emilia sometime soon. We've already planned to build an iglo if we can gather enough snow.

I met up with Jonas today and celebrated our 18 months together. We decided to go to Tivoli and look at the Christmas decorations (the way they decorate Tivoli during Christmas is insane. I was told they spent 10 million DKK on the decorations alone... so many pretty lights and trees!) It was all really beautiful and the snow just made it even prettier.
We spent approximately an hour there before deciding to head home to me again due to the cold weather. When we finally came home, I was convinced my toes were going to fall off despite wearing 3 pair of socks and warm shoes. So yes, it was very, very cold, haha.

For the first time in 3 1/2 years, I have a completely naked face. I accidentally dropped one of the balls from my septum jewelry and the ring kept bordering on falling out by itself, so I ended up removing it. It feels really weird to not have any facial piercings anymore... I've had 10 different facial piercings since I got my first done, so it's just weird to not have any at all. I only have 1 left now, my tongue (still considering getting venom bites though...)
I've also cut all my hair off and dyed it black. Went better than expected, lol.

Tomorrow noon I'm going to a meeting about my economy, I really hope it's going to turn out okay.. Later in the evening, my residency is hosting a Christmas-get-together for the residents' families. My mum is in Berlin this week and I couldn't get ahold of my brother, but my sister is coming and I'm looking forward to seeing her. Her boyfriend might also come. We're just going to do some Christmas-y things like cutting hearts (Emma and I have planned to make boob-hearts, because that's how mature we are, haha) and Christmas stars.
As much as I'm looking forward to seeing my sister, the guys from Valby and having a nice time, I'm also scared of because I know many people will attend and that there will be food I have to eat. As I've written a few entries ago, I'm really not good with food these days.. Especially when it comes to eating with others, so I'm just kind of scared of everything. I know it's lame. I've found ways to get out of eating with others the last few months, but I can't do that tomorrow and it's just a scary thing to me somehow. Also, I've been quite bad with social gatherings the last few months and avoided them, but I'll really try to pull myself together. I hope it will be nice!

Wow, this entry has been quite superficial, haha.