I should have seen the light, but the lights were shining way too bright and the noise was filling up my mind.

This is the view from one of my windows, the one facing a cemetery. It's kind of weird to look out of the window and see gravestones facing you everyday, but you get used to it. It was kind of sad though, a few days ago I looked outside right after waking up, and there's this elderly man standing in front of one of the stones for a brief second before he smiled and waved goodbye. It kind of stuck inside me for the next few hours.

I've spent the last few days on being ill. I'm growing more or less insane because of it, and right now I'm in that "I need to get out and get away from these 4 walls"-mode. Originally I had planned to attend this concert/competition this Saturday to root for two of my friends who were performing, but I was too sick to go. They're attending again next Saturday, so hopefully I'm up and fresh enough to come. It's a competition for aspiring rappers, and I really think they can shake things up a bit since their songs aren't about the typical rap-subjects, so to say.

I'm getting these splurts of loneliness these days, mostly just lasting for about half an hour or so. I can manage it, it's just a bit annoying since they tend to hit me at the most random times. When I'm buying groceries, walking around in the house, even when I'm hanging out with people - it's just that feeling that you're completely alone, like there's a layer of cement around you and no one can get in. It's not thoughts about being alone or lonely, but solely a feeling that borders on being close to physical. It's annoying and uncomfortable, but they pass after a while. It's most annoying when I'm actually around others and in conversations.
But I don't really know much these days. Overall I just feel very plain and neutral, but to a point where it's actually not nice anymore. I don't really have many emotions lately and I guess I'm feeling a bit blank and hollow. But again, I'm not feeling sad, depressed or anything bad. I just don't feel any joy or good feelings either. It's a close resemble to when I was on antidepressants, actually.

Since I don't really have many things to write about these days, I'm thinking about doing some "theme"-entries instead. I've thought about making an entry about my father, since it's only a few people who actually knows about him and it's mostly just the surface I've told. I've also thought about an entry about drugs, and an entry about the months where I was hospitalized in 2009-2010. It's actually just about exactly 3 years since I was permitted. It was around the end of October, 2009. Weird.