About childhood.

In some aspects I'm very childish. Mostly about the things that are considered "for children only", as toys and playing around. I don't consider it a bad thing, far from it actually, because it's somehow a way I can escape from my head for just a little while.
From the time I began to grow conscious of things and up to the age of 13, I don't actually consider it as my childhood. I was always careful of my surroundings and scared of doing something wrong. My parents stopped getting along shortly after I was born, which led to me feeling like I was the reason of their divorce. My father was an alcoholic who spent most of the time either at work, sleeping or drinking and my mum had a depression, so I had to be careful of doing something that could upset them.
I think the thing that set everything off was a night when I was about 6 years old. It wasn't unnatural to hear them yelling at each other, but this time it was really bad. I remember I heard my father slamming the door and leaving, and I could hear my mum sobbing loudly in the kitchen. Her crying only got worse, and I remember hearing her pretty much sobbing out "I'm going to kill myself" to herself, so I got out of my room next door and tried to comfort her. I let her cry out and tried to make her feel better. Thinking back at it, I think it's disturbing that I knew what suicide meant at that age. I spent the night trying to comfort her and talking with her, and somehow it changed something inside of me. From that night on, I always tried to be around her in case of anything bad should happen to her and by doing that I threw a part of myself away.
Their divorce was hard on me, and when my father was diagnosed with lung cancer it all just became too much. At that time I was bullied in school and didn't have any friends either, so it felt very alone. I remember one incident where they threw dead craneflies after me, which is not quite fun when you're scared of them (I still am, lol).
 My father now lived about an hour away from us and his drinking only got worse. He managed to recover, but fell ill again shortly after. This time, things went fast and he kept getting worse. I was 12 when he passed away.
My mum's new boyfriend and I never got along, and he would regularly tell me I wasn't worth much. He has flat out called me a monster and told me that everything would be better if I didn't exist. My peers told me pretty much the same, so I started to believe that I was a mistake.
I developed an eating disorder and started thinking about ending my life when I was 10, which is fucked up. At 10 I was already trying to destroy myself.

This is roughly what my childhood looked like, up till I was 12. I never really got to play and I never really allow myself to be a kid because of the circumstances. I never felt like the other kids. Along with the things that did happen, I also happened to have a fragile mind so it was all just too much for me.

I think the reason why I love things associated with being a child is because I never really got to fully experience that part of my life. I want to experience a real childhood, I want to play around and be careless, because I never really got to do that when it was appropiate.
I hate growing up and getting older, because it's only a reminder that I will never be able to go back. For me, being childish, fingerpainting and watching Moomin is an escape from my own head. In that second, I can pretend I'm a kid, that I don't have to worry about anything related to adulthood. I can simply be free and not care about anything. It's a comfort for me to escape into that little universe. It means I wont have to be grounded to my own thoughts.
I'd give close to anything to get a second childhood. Since it's not quite possible, I let myself fall into that little world once in a while. I have a love for Peter Pan because of these things.