it seems it's written but we can't read between the lines

So Christmas is just around the corner and I haven't bought one single present yet. This will be interesting. I think this is a pretty typical thing of me to do, I always end up buying them right before Christmas Eve in a stressful manner, lol.
I'm going home to my Mum and will spent the evening with my sister, my mum and Jonas. My brother leaves for Marocco tomorrow, so he won't be celebrating it with us.

I'm dealing with some jealousy right at the moment, but I'm trying not to let anything out on Jonas because it's really not his fault and the jealousy has something to do with previous events in my life that I need to work out. It's very rare for me to get jealous, but when I do, it's gets really painful. I've been "a second choice" before and ended up being the one left, generally always feel like I'm not enough (goes for most of my qualities as in friendships, love, creative stuff and just as a person that I feel this way), and I've been abandoned/have a fear of being left behind because of some things in my past. It's all a bunch of things I need to work out with my therapist, because there's no reason to feel jealous in this at all.

The last time I weighed myself, I weighed 43,8 kg. I'm not sure what I weigh right now - it's two days ago since I last stepped on a scale if I remember correctly. I still keep battling between thinking that there is no problem in that and that this is not normal at all and I should seek help. Logically, I know it's not healthy and good for me, that weighing that while being 168 cm is extremely unhealthy but at the same time I feel like I'm an exception and that it's not that big of a deal. I'll try to figure out what to do, but I know I'll wait until Christmas is over before asking for help/support because it'll just become hectic otherwise.

I'm at my mum's place right now because last night was horrible. It's really rare for me to cry, but I ended up crying like a baby last night for a good while and after that followed one of the worst anxiety attacks I've ever had in my life. So I'm at her place right now and spent pretty much all day on the couch relaxing. It's okay and I'm fine now, just a bit tired but can't really sleep. If I'm still awake at 5 AM, I'm going to get on a train and head towards Jonas.