prayers for rain

Okay, everything in this blog entry is really lame and whiny, so you have been warned. It feels really weird to be this honest about it all.

I haven't really felt like blogging lately. My head has been really crowded in the last month or so without any real improvements, and it has been hard for me to admit these things to others, but also admitting it to myself. I'm starting to slip back into a "form" of depression as my psychiatrist told me (I'm really active, constantly on the run and doing something either by myself or with others which is a bit atypical when I'm depressed. I usually feel really careless about those things when I get depressed), so I'm upped to 225mg venlafaxine now. The mental symptoms of my sociophobia has lessened a bit and I don't feel very panicky most of the time, just uncomfortable. It feels really weird because the physical symptoms are still there, so instead of getting anxiety attacks, I just sit there with sweaty palms, heart racing and numb limbs while being somewhat "calm" inside my head. It's a really odd feeling.

My mind is constantly racing and I don't feel like I get any form of breaks or respite from the negative thoughts about myself. When I sleep, my dreams are either about people I care about telling me that I'm worth nothing, or just plain unpleasant and scary dreams. When I wake up, I have to force myself out of bed because I know it won't do me any good to keep laying there. I eat a healthy breakfast and go for a run in the hopes of my mood being just slightly elevated, and it happens sometimes, but only for a short amount of time. Throughout the day, I feel like I carry every single negative comment I've ever gotten from anyone, on my shoulders, and they won't seem to leave me. I honestly don't believe I'm worth anything, I can't argument against it at all.
So all in all, the last month has been really bad. At least I haven't experienced any panick attacks for the past 2 weeks or so, which I'm happy about. I'm also proud of myself for not acting on any ED-related actions, despite the "urge" being really loud. I've been maintaining my weight between 48-49 kg for the past month and the only thing that matters is that I'm not getting lower because that would only add more shit on top of everything else in my head, and it's really not worth it.
 I relapsed a week ago and ended up self-harming. I haven't done it in a really long time and I'm really ashamed of myself for doing it again. I was really desperate for a break from my thoughts, and back when I self-harmed a lot, I entered this kind of "numbing" mental zone after hurting myself where my head would empty itself for at least just a little while. I grew a bit too desperate and I just wanted my head to stop spinning and I knew I could relax just a little bit if I did it, and that night, it seemed like the lesser of two evils.
 My suicidal thoughts are only short and I'm not overthinking them at the moment. They come a few times a day but I let them go, because I know that it's not that I want to die, it's because this situation I'm in feels unbearable. That's a slight motivation to keep going because things will get better, they've done it before, so why shouldn't they do it now? I just have to give it some time. A few weeks ago I actually managed to scare myself because I got way too close to a suicide attempt, but instead of being negative about being on the border of trying to end it and soak in that, I try to think positively about in and think that because it's scared me that I got close, it means that deep down I actually don't want to do it. It's motivating to get better.

Among others, I don't look like I'm in a bad place mentally. I'm very social, laughing, goofing around and having great conversations. I've told a few of my friends very briefly that I feel a bit down these days, that's pretty much it. None of them have asked into it, which is fine because I really just need to surround myself with positive and fun things or else it gets too dark inside my head. I don't want all my negativity to be both inside my head and outside my head. They think I'm doing fine, after all I'm active and I seem very put-together. Somehow I want them to keep thinking that way about me. I'm tired of being sick.

where all my urges bled

I'm not able to say whether or not if I'm fine these days as it changes quite drastically depending on the situation. When I'm alone, in settings I know and with people I'm comfortable with, I'm actually feeling quite awesome, positive and like everything has been worth it. When I'm outside my apartment on my own, have to talk to strangers, have to talk to people I'm not close with, even simply just thinking about strangers, I feel absolutely horrible to the point where I wonder if it actually has been worth it all.
I'm starting on some new meds from tomorrow morning, called venlafaxine. I talked to my psychiatrist about the possibility of having developed sociophobia/social anxiety, which is kind of shitty when you keep in mind that I'm starting up in a new class in 2 weeks from now. Ironically enough, I wasn't able to sleep before 9 AM, only getting 2 hours of sleep before the appointment, because I was anxious about the conversation we were going to have about my anxiety.
 I had a day where I managed to cry 4 times. One of them because I was in a social setting with people I didn't know and managed sneak off so no one would notice me, another time because I was asked if a person I've only met once could come over and join us, and the two remaining times because I simply just thought of meeting strangers and it pushed me over the edge. All happened within a timeframe of 21 hours and I honestly still feel like shit when I think of it.
I've had a weird way of coping with strangers since I was a kid and I've tried to avoid it most of my teenage years, but most of the time it has "only" been because I was very uncomfortable with it. Lately it has moved over to actual anxiety and panic attacks and I have no idea why it has changed. It has actually happened quite quickly..
 It's humiliating and embarassing to admit to the people around me that I feel like this. I'm not even comfortable about visiting my mum these days, only because her boyfriend is over, despite the fact that I met him for the first time when I was 14. I don't leave my apartment when my neighbor has friends over, because I'm afraid of running into them by accident.
 It affects my life to a point where I don't think I can manage it if it goes on like this, hence the meds. Thoughts of self-harm is popping up again and suicide seems way too appealing when I get anxious and I get afraid of myself. I really hope the meds will work somewhat quickly, especially because of the school situation.

This is my 17th day being cigarette-free.  Scary to think that I would have spent 680DKK on cigarettes by now if I had continued smoking.

you'll find your worst fears in me

I've been great in general since the last time I wrote here. The weather has been awesome -it even got up to 32 degrees at some point, and sunny pretty much all days except yesterday. I've had a great time with the people I care about and I've went for a lot of long walks (walked for six hours straight one night, another night 14 km in total).
I've gone camping with my parents-in-law and Jonas, and I'm actually going again tomorrow. We've pretty much just went for some walks with the neighbors' dogs and chilled in the sun most of the time. I've had a really great time with him, when I got home it felt weird that he wasn't around anymore.

AND - two things I've accomplished and causes a lot of excitement for me... First; I've officially quit smoking for good! It's been 11 days since my last cigarette, and I'm extremely proud of myself. The second day was the worst, but I've managed it quite good the rest of the time. I'm just really happy that I don't feel the need to smoke anymore and that I've finally done it.
Second (though it's not really something I've been able to control at all) - but I've grown. I'v fucking grown. I'm 20 years old and it's a bit odd. But I'm 170 cm by now and I'm more than stoked! It's a really big deal for me and I'm overall just happy about it.

But the great mood and awesome days aren't the reason why I'm writing right now, I actually need to vent a bit.
I'm not fearing a relapse at all, the eating disordered thoughts have just been a lot more loud than they've been in a long time. I really don't know why it suddenly came back so loud, I was in Netto with some friends and was asked if I wanted something to munch on, and out of the blue, the eating disorder pretty much "yells" that I am extremely greedy and a horrible person for wanting something to munch on, and would be even worse if I actually said yes to them. I know it's illogical and that wanting a chocolate bar is by no means greedy at all, but I was just shocked at how "loud" the thoughts were and turned the offer down because I got scared. I have disordered thoughts everyday and I've accepted that, and I've really gotten good at ignoring/coping/accepting them, so it really surprised me that they were so "loud", they haven't been that loud in several months.
Pretty much been going downhill in refraining from disordered behaviours (not that I've acted on all behaviours/impulses/thoughts, far from it) since that night and my shrink is on vacation and I don't really know where to go to. I've also found out that most things related to that subject slightly triggers me at that moment -  knowing that I don't have any money makes the disorder see it as a sign for me to stop eating, change in plans in regards to eating out and freaking out because it didn't go as I thought it would, eating at my sister while she's dieting and eating low-calorie/small portions because of that, things like that. It's small an weird things and there's probably some underlying reason to why the disordered thoughts are "loud" these days, I just need to figure it out.
I promised myself a while ago that I wouldn't weigh myself anymore, that numbers aren't important, yet in a moment of weakness I did it and I feel like shit because I caved in. I guess I can see it as a thing to learn from, but it doesn't change the fact that numbers have been stuck in my head all day and I'm unsure of how to distract myself from them right at the moment. I'm trying to refrain from doing any disordered behaviours, and I would say that I've only done maybe 30% of what thhe disorder has wanted from me, so that's good. Hopefully it'll be better in the next few days, I'm really trying to get my grip together and work through it. I know there's ups and down in every mental illness, I just wasn't prepared this time.
I'll also just add in that I'm staying positive and try to work this out as fast as possible. I just needed to vent, now that my shrink isn't around. Hopefully it's over soon. 

聞こえない様に 耳を塞いでた

So this is just a random mind-scribble. Overall, I'm doing okay and I'm making some serious progress on the psychological side of everything, which of course results in thinking a lot these days.
Last week I had the hardest conversation I've ever had with my psychologist (or any other professional for that matter), and though I'm still a bit affected by it, I'm really glad about it all. Because it hurt so much I know this is one, if not the biggest, is a great factor and underlying "reason" to my unstable mental health. It's really something I usually try to surpress and not talk much about because it's a painful subject for me, so I've never really gone into details with others about it. It hurt a lot and I spent the two days after the appointment with someone around me all the time in fear of falling down into a black hole.
We talked about my childhood and the emotional neglect I experienced up until I was 16 years old. The conversation was mainly about my mum's husband and the things he did. If I talk about it, I usually keep it on a more simple level, but this time it went deeper than that.
Basically, the reason why I feel isolated from everyone around me was because isolating myself from others was a "survival instict" in my childhood. If I blocked out others, it meant I wouldn't get close to anyone and that way I wouldn't get hurt. I have trust issues and hardly ever let anyone come close to me because during my childhood, most people I had close to me weren't really there - it was almost always a mix of emotional neglect and verbal abuse, traumatic experiences and on top of that, bullying from my peers. Looking back at it all, it's not really a wonder that I started to draw myself away from others, because every time someone was close to me, something bad usually followed.
I haven't gotten out of this "survival instinct", but I've made progress - I have a few who's quite close to me, and I have Emilia who's probably one of the persons who has gotten deepest into my core.
The feeling of being isolated is somewhat self-inflicted and somewhat inflicted by others (in the past, not the current) aswell as my low sense of selfworth due to things that happened in the past. The million dollar question is how I'm going to turn this around though, but it's something my psychologist and I will try to figure out.
It doesn't seem like much progress, but really, just the fact that we talked about these things that happened in the past in more than a simple manner is really a breakthrough for me.
The thing that I'm most unpleasant about is the flashbacks I've had these days. Wednesday night was spent on crying in Jonas arms for an hour because what felt like 60 flashbacks came all at once, some of them were things I had forgotten all about and I relived all the emotions that I went through from the different flashbacks, so needless to say it got too intense for me and I got scared. The weird thing is though, I've had a lot of flashbacks these days that only lasted for a few seconds and they were things I had forgotten all about, but right after it was over and the emotions were shaken off, I had forgotten all about what the flashback was about again. It's a really weird feeling, because I'm 120% certain that it all happened and was very real, yet I can't remember what is was, even just seconds after the flashback of it occured. It's a weird and really unpleasant feeling I'm left with, and on one side I want to know what those flashbacks are about, and on the other hand I really don't want to know.
I'm kind of trying to soothe "little Damien" from the past these days and telling myself that I'm worth more than I think, it's just a bit difficult. I'm also trying to get myself to open up around others by taking babysteps in that direction so I won't scare myself out. But things are looking brighter once again. I'm happy I had that conversation with my psychologist, even though it hurt a lot. I can kind of equal it to getting a massage, the knots where it hurts the most to be massaged is usually the those that brings most relief afterwards.

you come across impure

I've been in a bad mood most of the weekend and I really hope to get my act together soon. My fear of being left behind is through the roof and have been that for a few days, but I'm trying my best not to let it affect anyone, because it really doesn't have anything to do with anyone. It's just my head fucking up.
It's kind of like some sort of thing is unsettled within me and my body can't really find any peace, it's kind of a panicky feel, yet not enough to call it panic. I guess it's loneliness and feeling inadequate that causes it, and atleast I have an idea about what it is so I can work on it, I just don't really know how yet.


The problem with when I'm in these stages is that I desperately want to be together with people and show them that I care about them, but instead I end up distancing myself from others because I get scared that they'll leave me for someone better and hurt me that way. My views on being close with others aren't really healthy, because even though I love intimacy, closeness and trust in others, I'm really scared of it because I'm afraid I'm not good enough for them. I think it might stem from my childhood - my mum would tell me how much she loved me and the next day tell me she'd rather have me dead than in her life, and then the pattern would repeat itself. I've been told throughout both my childhood and teenage years by people close to me and people that weren't, that both the things I'd do and the way I was as a person wasn't good enough, and when after awhile it starts to sink in.
 I honestly don't believe that I'm good enough for anyone, that I'm the person they settle with in friendship/love/whatever-it-could-be until they meet someone better. It's a horrible feeling, because not only do you doubt yourself and your worth, you also doubt how others see you and it feels terrible.
I love the people close to me and I want them in my life, but it's all really scary sometimes.

one million branches and she loves every one

I've locked myself out of the apartment by accident and the only way to get in is to go through my neighbor's door (luckily, I didn't lock the front door), but he's not home at the moment. I'm not really sure what to do right now, since I'm pretty much stuck in the backyard.
Short update; still feeling great, still sleeping well, still hanging out with friends everyday and still feeling good in general. Life is a lot easier.

I've thought a lot about the way I am around others. In rougher times, it gets worse too and I handle it really badly, but even when I'm feeling good, it's still something that affects me.

I think I've mentioned it before, but I'm not good at meeting new people. I haven't met the majority of Jonas' friends, I rarely attend parties unless they're small and I know the majority of those who are attending - on really bad days, I can't even manage grocery shopping because I'm afraid of talking to the cashier and I end up skipping it. I rarely make phonecalls to people I'm not familiar with (the bank, the doctor, whatever it might be), because something about it makes me scared. 
I'm afraid of making an ass of myself, and I'm afraid that I seem hostile and stupid. At other times, I simply avoid meeting people because I'm embarassed about my awkwardness around strangers and it's easier to just not meet them at all so I don't have to think about it.
Among friends, it takes a while for me to open up completely. I'd go as far as saying that Emilia is the only one I can confide in 100% without fearing I'll get left behind. I trust my friends and love them dearly, but I can't really get myself to open up completely - it's only the surface of the deeper issues that I can get myself to talk about. I'm not completely sure why I can't get myself to do it, because a lot of them has told me to just open up and that they'll be there if needed, but I find it much more difficult than my head can wrap around.

The thing is, I actually really want to open up and I want to be "normal" when it comes to meeting strangers. When one of my friends call their doctor or someone from their school/jobs who they don't know, I'm amazed that they can, because it seems so easy for them to do and I don't understand why I feel scared when it's so natural to do.
 Once someone becomes a friend of mine, I'm very talkative and easy to be around, but it takes a good while to get there.
 I won't say this issue takes up my entire life, because it really doesn't. But yet, it's with me everyday and everyday with it I feel a bit crippled because of that, because there's a lot of things I'm avoiding everyday because of it. Simple things as acquaintances asking me something on facebook that I end up not replying to, asking a cashier for help, being invited to something social where I don't know one of the persons there, going out for a drink at a bar, 'just simple and somehow stupid things. It's not really an issue I've talked with anybody about, because I find it embarassing to explain since I can come up with the answers myself.

I try to challenge myself from time to time, and usually, nothing bad happens. But I go right back to where I started after doing it and fear it once again. It's annoying and I know it isolates me a bit, but I really want to work on this. I have to convince myself that I'm not less worthy of anything, that if they don't like me it won't matter, and that people get left behind through their lives, and that it's okay and it's not a big deal if any of these things happen.

may I bud and never flower

I'm taking a quick break from cleaning the apartment, there's not much left anyway by now. I've cleaned the dishes, cleant the whole kitchen, thrown all the Ikea boxes out and put things where they're supposed to be, so the only thing I'm missing is vacuuming my living room. It's getting really nice by now, despite the entire apartment being really small, but I actually think the decoration and the way I've put my furniture helps.
I went to Ikea yesterday and bought a desk, so I have more space for all the shit I don't know where to put now.

Around noon I went to the doctor with Emilia since she had to get some samples taken and she was quite nervous about it. She'll get the results in week, and I really hope it's nothing serious. After that we got some coffee at a café nearby and had a good rage-talk.
Jonas is coming over in a few hours, we'll probably just chill and have a relaxing time together. Our 2 years anniversary was just a few days ago. It's really weird to think that we've been together for so long, because on one hand it feels like much longer and at the same time like much less time. I'm happy about it nonetheless.

I don't really have much to write about. Life is good, I'm in a good mood most of the time and I'm enjoying it all. I'm sleeping well, waking up at 9 AM naturally, I'm social everyday and I feel like I get some sort of positive response out of every day that passes.

I've been neglecting food a bit for a while, not because of any disordered thoughts, but out of not having enough money, being too tired or because I've been out with friends so I didn't have access to making myself a meal. It's annoying, because I really want to eat more, especially because if I don't eat enough, my workouts will be pointless and harmful instead. It's just that I can always figure out something I find more important - maybe I'm a hurry to visit someone, I'm out in town, too tired to prepare a whole meal, maybe I'm cleaning - overall I just don't feel like I have time for it, at least if it's a whole meal and not just some bread or fruit. Which of course has resulted in my weight getting a bit lower once again, so I'm somewhere around 50 kg at the moment unless I've lost more (which I don't believe I have). When I got weighed last week, it was 50 at least, so I'm not really sure where I am, and it doesn't really matter. I just need to allow myself to sit down and make time for food.
So that's the only thing I'm frustrated about.

I don't think I'll write as often as I used to - as said, I don't really have much time on my hands these days. When I actually have the time to write an entry, I'm usually too tired (night time is pretty much the only time during the day where I don't have some sort of plans).