prayers for rain

Okay, everything in this blog entry is really lame and whiny, so you have been warned. It feels really weird to be this honest about it all.

I haven't really felt like blogging lately. My head has been really crowded in the last month or so without any real improvements, and it has been hard for me to admit these things to others, but also admitting it to myself. I'm starting to slip back into a "form" of depression as my psychiatrist told me (I'm really active, constantly on the run and doing something either by myself or with others which is a bit atypical when I'm depressed. I usually feel really careless about those things when I get depressed), so I'm upped to 225mg venlafaxine now. The mental symptoms of my sociophobia has lessened a bit and I don't feel very panicky most of the time, just uncomfortable. It feels really weird because the physical symptoms are still there, so instead of getting anxiety attacks, I just sit there with sweaty palms, heart racing and numb limbs while being somewhat "calm" inside my head. It's a really odd feeling.

My mind is constantly racing and I don't feel like I get any form of breaks or respite from the negative thoughts about myself. When I sleep, my dreams are either about people I care about telling me that I'm worth nothing, or just plain unpleasant and scary dreams. When I wake up, I have to force myself out of bed because I know it won't do me any good to keep laying there. I eat a healthy breakfast and go for a run in the hopes of my mood being just slightly elevated, and it happens sometimes, but only for a short amount of time. Throughout the day, I feel like I carry every single negative comment I've ever gotten from anyone, on my shoulders, and they won't seem to leave me. I honestly don't believe I'm worth anything, I can't argument against it at all.
So all in all, the last month has been really bad. At least I haven't experienced any panick attacks for the past 2 weeks or so, which I'm happy about. I'm also proud of myself for not acting on any ED-related actions, despite the "urge" being really loud. I've been maintaining my weight between 48-49 kg for the past month and the only thing that matters is that I'm not getting lower because that would only add more shit on top of everything else in my head, and it's really not worth it.
 I relapsed a week ago and ended up self-harming. I haven't done it in a really long time and I'm really ashamed of myself for doing it again. I was really desperate for a break from my thoughts, and back when I self-harmed a lot, I entered this kind of "numbing" mental zone after hurting myself where my head would empty itself for at least just a little while. I grew a bit too desperate and I just wanted my head to stop spinning and I knew I could relax just a little bit if I did it, and that night, it seemed like the lesser of two evils.
 My suicidal thoughts are only short and I'm not overthinking them at the moment. They come a few times a day but I let them go, because I know that it's not that I want to die, it's because this situation I'm in feels unbearable. That's a slight motivation to keep going because things will get better, they've done it before, so why shouldn't they do it now? I just have to give it some time. A few weeks ago I actually managed to scare myself because I got way too close to a suicide attempt, but instead of being negative about being on the border of trying to end it and soak in that, I try to think positively about in and think that because it's scared me that I got close, it means that deep down I actually don't want to do it. It's motivating to get better.

Among others, I don't look like I'm in a bad place mentally. I'm very social, laughing, goofing around and having great conversations. I've told a few of my friends very briefly that I feel a bit down these days, that's pretty much it. None of them have asked into it, which is fine because I really just need to surround myself with positive and fun things or else it gets too dark inside my head. I don't want all my negativity to be both inside my head and outside my head. They think I'm doing fine, after all I'm active and I seem very put-together. Somehow I want them to keep thinking that way about me. I'm tired of being sick.

where all my urges bled

I'm not able to say whether or not if I'm fine these days as it changes quite drastically depending on the situation. When I'm alone, in settings I know and with people I'm comfortable with, I'm actually feeling quite awesome, positive and like everything has been worth it. When I'm outside my apartment on my own, have to talk to strangers, have to talk to people I'm not close with, even simply just thinking about strangers, I feel absolutely horrible to the point where I wonder if it actually has been worth it all.
I'm starting on some new meds from tomorrow morning, called venlafaxine. I talked to my psychiatrist about the possibility of having developed sociophobia/social anxiety, which is kind of shitty when you keep in mind that I'm starting up in a new class in 2 weeks from now. Ironically enough, I wasn't able to sleep before 9 AM, only getting 2 hours of sleep before the appointment, because I was anxious about the conversation we were going to have about my anxiety.
 I had a day where I managed to cry 4 times. One of them because I was in a social setting with people I didn't know and managed sneak off so no one would notice me, another time because I was asked if a person I've only met once could come over and join us, and the two remaining times because I simply just thought of meeting strangers and it pushed me over the edge. All happened within a timeframe of 21 hours and I honestly still feel like shit when I think of it.
I've had a weird way of coping with strangers since I was a kid and I've tried to avoid it most of my teenage years, but most of the time it has "only" been because I was very uncomfortable with it. Lately it has moved over to actual anxiety and panic attacks and I have no idea why it has changed. It has actually happened quite quickly..
 It's humiliating and embarassing to admit to the people around me that I feel like this. I'm not even comfortable about visiting my mum these days, only because her boyfriend is over, despite the fact that I met him for the first time when I was 14. I don't leave my apartment when my neighbor has friends over, because I'm afraid of running into them by accident.
 It affects my life to a point where I don't think I can manage it if it goes on like this, hence the meds. Thoughts of self-harm is popping up again and suicide seems way too appealing when I get anxious and I get afraid of myself. I really hope the meds will work somewhat quickly, especially because of the school situation.

This is my 17th day being cigarette-free.  Scary to think that I would have spent 680DKK on cigarettes by now if I had continued smoking.

you'll find your worst fears in me

I've been great in general since the last time I wrote here. The weather has been awesome -it even got up to 32 degrees at some point, and sunny pretty much all days except yesterday. I've had a great time with the people I care about and I've went for a lot of long walks (walked for six hours straight one night, another night 14 km in total).
I've gone camping with my parents-in-law and Jonas, and I'm actually going again tomorrow. We've pretty much just went for some walks with the neighbors' dogs and chilled in the sun most of the time. I've had a really great time with him, when I got home it felt weird that he wasn't around anymore.

AND - two things I've accomplished and causes a lot of excitement for me... First; I've officially quit smoking for good! It's been 11 days since my last cigarette, and I'm extremely proud of myself. The second day was the worst, but I've managed it quite good the rest of the time. I'm just really happy that I don't feel the need to smoke anymore and that I've finally done it.
Second (though it's not really something I've been able to control at all) - but I've grown. I'v fucking grown. I'm 20 years old and it's a bit odd. But I'm 170 cm by now and I'm more than stoked! It's a really big deal for me and I'm overall just happy about it.

But the great mood and awesome days aren't the reason why I'm writing right now, I actually need to vent a bit.
I'm not fearing a relapse at all, the eating disordered thoughts have just been a lot more loud than they've been in a long time. I really don't know why it suddenly came back so loud, I was in Netto with some friends and was asked if I wanted something to munch on, and out of the blue, the eating disorder pretty much "yells" that I am extremely greedy and a horrible person for wanting something to munch on, and would be even worse if I actually said yes to them. I know it's illogical and that wanting a chocolate bar is by no means greedy at all, but I was just shocked at how "loud" the thoughts were and turned the offer down because I got scared. I have disordered thoughts everyday and I've accepted that, and I've really gotten good at ignoring/coping/accepting them, so it really surprised me that they were so "loud", they haven't been that loud in several months.
Pretty much been going downhill in refraining from disordered behaviours (not that I've acted on all behaviours/impulses/thoughts, far from it) since that night and my shrink is on vacation and I don't really know where to go to. I've also found out that most things related to that subject slightly triggers me at that moment -  knowing that I don't have any money makes the disorder see it as a sign for me to stop eating, change in plans in regards to eating out and freaking out because it didn't go as I thought it would, eating at my sister while she's dieting and eating low-calorie/small portions because of that, things like that. It's small an weird things and there's probably some underlying reason to why the disordered thoughts are "loud" these days, I just need to figure it out.
I promised myself a while ago that I wouldn't weigh myself anymore, that numbers aren't important, yet in a moment of weakness I did it and I feel like shit because I caved in. I guess I can see it as a thing to learn from, but it doesn't change the fact that numbers have been stuck in my head all day and I'm unsure of how to distract myself from them right at the moment. I'm trying to refrain from doing any disordered behaviours, and I would say that I've only done maybe 30% of what thhe disorder has wanted from me, so that's good. Hopefully it'll be better in the next few days, I'm really trying to get my grip together and work through it. I know there's ups and down in every mental illness, I just wasn't prepared this time.
I'll also just add in that I'm staying positive and try to work this out as fast as possible. I just needed to vent, now that my shrink isn't around. Hopefully it's over soon. 

聞こえない様に 耳を塞いでた

So this is just a random mind-scribble. Overall, I'm doing okay and I'm making some serious progress on the psychological side of everything, which of course results in thinking a lot these days.
Last week I had the hardest conversation I've ever had with my psychologist (or any other professional for that matter), and though I'm still a bit affected by it, I'm really glad about it all. Because it hurt so much I know this is one, if not the biggest, is a great factor and underlying "reason" to my unstable mental health. It's really something I usually try to surpress and not talk much about because it's a painful subject for me, so I've never really gone into details with others about it. It hurt a lot and I spent the two days after the appointment with someone around me all the time in fear of falling down into a black hole.
We talked about my childhood and the emotional neglect I experienced up until I was 16 years old. The conversation was mainly about my mum's husband and the things he did. If I talk about it, I usually keep it on a more simple level, but this time it went deeper than that.
Basically, the reason why I feel isolated from everyone around me was because isolating myself from others was a "survival instict" in my childhood. If I blocked out others, it meant I wouldn't get close to anyone and that way I wouldn't get hurt. I have trust issues and hardly ever let anyone come close to me because during my childhood, most people I had close to me weren't really there - it was almost always a mix of emotional neglect and verbal abuse, traumatic experiences and on top of that, bullying from my peers. Looking back at it all, it's not really a wonder that I started to draw myself away from others, because every time someone was close to me, something bad usually followed.
I haven't gotten out of this "survival instinct", but I've made progress - I have a few who's quite close to me, and I have Emilia who's probably one of the persons who has gotten deepest into my core.
The feeling of being isolated is somewhat self-inflicted and somewhat inflicted by others (in the past, not the current) aswell as my low sense of selfworth due to things that happened in the past. The million dollar question is how I'm going to turn this around though, but it's something my psychologist and I will try to figure out.
It doesn't seem like much progress, but really, just the fact that we talked about these things that happened in the past in more than a simple manner is really a breakthrough for me.
The thing that I'm most unpleasant about is the flashbacks I've had these days. Wednesday night was spent on crying in Jonas arms for an hour because what felt like 60 flashbacks came all at once, some of them were things I had forgotten all about and I relived all the emotions that I went through from the different flashbacks, so needless to say it got too intense for me and I got scared. The weird thing is though, I've had a lot of flashbacks these days that only lasted for a few seconds and they were things I had forgotten all about, but right after it was over and the emotions were shaken off, I had forgotten all about what the flashback was about again. It's a really weird feeling, because I'm 120% certain that it all happened and was very real, yet I can't remember what is was, even just seconds after the flashback of it occured. It's a weird and really unpleasant feeling I'm left with, and on one side I want to know what those flashbacks are about, and on the other hand I really don't want to know.
I'm kind of trying to soothe "little Damien" from the past these days and telling myself that I'm worth more than I think, it's just a bit difficult. I'm also trying to get myself to open up around others by taking babysteps in that direction so I won't scare myself out. But things are looking brighter once again. I'm happy I had that conversation with my psychologist, even though it hurt a lot. I can kind of equal it to getting a massage, the knots where it hurts the most to be massaged is usually the those that brings most relief afterwards.

you come across impure

I've been in a bad mood most of the weekend and I really hope to get my act together soon. My fear of being left behind is through the roof and have been that for a few days, but I'm trying my best not to let it affect anyone, because it really doesn't have anything to do with anyone. It's just my head fucking up.
It's kind of like some sort of thing is unsettled within me and my body can't really find any peace, it's kind of a panicky feel, yet not enough to call it panic. I guess it's loneliness and feeling inadequate that causes it, and atleast I have an idea about what it is so I can work on it, I just don't really know how yet.


The problem with when I'm in these stages is that I desperately want to be together with people and show them that I care about them, but instead I end up distancing myself from others because I get scared that they'll leave me for someone better and hurt me that way. My views on being close with others aren't really healthy, because even though I love intimacy, closeness and trust in others, I'm really scared of it because I'm afraid I'm not good enough for them. I think it might stem from my childhood - my mum would tell me how much she loved me and the next day tell me she'd rather have me dead than in her life, and then the pattern would repeat itself. I've been told throughout both my childhood and teenage years by people close to me and people that weren't, that both the things I'd do and the way I was as a person wasn't good enough, and when after awhile it starts to sink in.
 I honestly don't believe that I'm good enough for anyone, that I'm the person they settle with in friendship/love/whatever-it-could-be until they meet someone better. It's a horrible feeling, because not only do you doubt yourself and your worth, you also doubt how others see you and it feels terrible.
I love the people close to me and I want them in my life, but it's all really scary sometimes.

one million branches and she loves every one

I've locked myself out of the apartment by accident and the only way to get in is to go through my neighbor's door (luckily, I didn't lock the front door), but he's not home at the moment. I'm not really sure what to do right now, since I'm pretty much stuck in the backyard.
Short update; still feeling great, still sleeping well, still hanging out with friends everyday and still feeling good in general. Life is a lot easier.

I've thought a lot about the way I am around others. In rougher times, it gets worse too and I handle it really badly, but even when I'm feeling good, it's still something that affects me.

I think I've mentioned it before, but I'm not good at meeting new people. I haven't met the majority of Jonas' friends, I rarely attend parties unless they're small and I know the majority of those who are attending - on really bad days, I can't even manage grocery shopping because I'm afraid of talking to the cashier and I end up skipping it. I rarely make phonecalls to people I'm not familiar with (the bank, the doctor, whatever it might be), because something about it makes me scared. 
I'm afraid of making an ass of myself, and I'm afraid that I seem hostile and stupid. At other times, I simply avoid meeting people because I'm embarassed about my awkwardness around strangers and it's easier to just not meet them at all so I don't have to think about it.
Among friends, it takes a while for me to open up completely. I'd go as far as saying that Emilia is the only one I can confide in 100% without fearing I'll get left behind. I trust my friends and love them dearly, but I can't really get myself to open up completely - it's only the surface of the deeper issues that I can get myself to talk about. I'm not completely sure why I can't get myself to do it, because a lot of them has told me to just open up and that they'll be there if needed, but I find it much more difficult than my head can wrap around.

The thing is, I actually really want to open up and I want to be "normal" when it comes to meeting strangers. When one of my friends call their doctor or someone from their school/jobs who they don't know, I'm amazed that they can, because it seems so easy for them to do and I don't understand why I feel scared when it's so natural to do.
 Once someone becomes a friend of mine, I'm very talkative and easy to be around, but it takes a good while to get there.
 I won't say this issue takes up my entire life, because it really doesn't. But yet, it's with me everyday and everyday with it I feel a bit crippled because of that, because there's a lot of things I'm avoiding everyday because of it. Simple things as acquaintances asking me something on facebook that I end up not replying to, asking a cashier for help, being invited to something social where I don't know one of the persons there, going out for a drink at a bar, 'just simple and somehow stupid things. It's not really an issue I've talked with anybody about, because I find it embarassing to explain since I can come up with the answers myself.

I try to challenge myself from time to time, and usually, nothing bad happens. But I go right back to where I started after doing it and fear it once again. It's annoying and I know it isolates me a bit, but I really want to work on this. I have to convince myself that I'm not less worthy of anything, that if they don't like me it won't matter, and that people get left behind through their lives, and that it's okay and it's not a big deal if any of these things happen.

may I bud and never flower

I'm taking a quick break from cleaning the apartment, there's not much left anyway by now. I've cleaned the dishes, cleant the whole kitchen, thrown all the Ikea boxes out and put things where they're supposed to be, so the only thing I'm missing is vacuuming my living room. It's getting really nice by now, despite the entire apartment being really small, but I actually think the decoration and the way I've put my furniture helps.
I went to Ikea yesterday and bought a desk, so I have more space for all the shit I don't know where to put now.

Around noon I went to the doctor with Emilia since she had to get some samples taken and she was quite nervous about it. She'll get the results in week, and I really hope it's nothing serious. After that we got some coffee at a café nearby and had a good rage-talk.
Jonas is coming over in a few hours, we'll probably just chill and have a relaxing time together. Our 2 years anniversary was just a few days ago. It's really weird to think that we've been together for so long, because on one hand it feels like much longer and at the same time like much less time. I'm happy about it nonetheless.

I don't really have much to write about. Life is good, I'm in a good mood most of the time and I'm enjoying it all. I'm sleeping well, waking up at 9 AM naturally, I'm social everyday and I feel like I get some sort of positive response out of every day that passes.

I've been neglecting food a bit for a while, not because of any disordered thoughts, but out of not having enough money, being too tired or because I've been out with friends so I didn't have access to making myself a meal. It's annoying, because I really want to eat more, especially because if I don't eat enough, my workouts will be pointless and harmful instead. It's just that I can always figure out something I find more important - maybe I'm a hurry to visit someone, I'm out in town, too tired to prepare a whole meal, maybe I'm cleaning - overall I just don't feel like I have time for it, at least if it's a whole meal and not just some bread or fruit. Which of course has resulted in my weight getting a bit lower once again, so I'm somewhere around 50 kg at the moment unless I've lost more (which I don't believe I have). When I got weighed last week, it was 50 at least, so I'm not really sure where I am, and it doesn't really matter. I just need to allow myself to sit down and make time for food.
So that's the only thing I'm frustrated about.

I don't think I'll write as often as I used to - as said, I don't really have much time on my hands these days. When I actually have the time to write an entry, I'm usually too tired (night time is pretty much the only time during the day where I don't have some sort of plans).

I heard the train shake the windows, you screamed over the sound

I'm closer to being done with the apartment, I just have to wait until the 1st of June so I can buy the desk/bookcase I don't have enough money for at the moment, and after that I'm pretty much done with the apartment. I'm settling in nicely though the first night was a bit lonely, but the other nights have been good.
Right before I moved in, Miriam told me that she expected wild parties and freedom when she got her own apartment. In reality, she spent the first 3 months on being lonely. I can definitely see where she's coming from, so I'm trying to keep myself busy and have people over as often as possible.
But all in all, it's really great to finally have my own place. Now I'm just waiting for August to come so I can start studying. Everything seems to be on the right track and I'm excited about life.

I'm really broke though, so I'm just trying to survive the next 9 days (payday is the 31st of this month for me). Jonas is coming over soon and I'm looking forward to his company.

I weighed myself yesterday and I've lost weight again. I'm really angry at myself, because I know some of the factors of it has not only been due to my lack of money, but also due to being stressed and caving in more easily to the eating disorder because of that. It's kind of a battle to fight ED while being broke, because you somehow (at least I do) think that if you're low on cash, it makes more sense to save money for the rest of the month by not eating much throughout the day. It makes sense in a certain way, but I think I might take it to a more illogical point - though I have some pears, crispbread and peanut butter that I can just eat when I'm hungry, I end up eating it hours after I started getting hungry, meaning that my intake gets lower because I eat irregularly. I should refrain from it because I know very well with myself that not eating enough triggers my issues with food and weight more than anything else. So I'm a bit angry at myself for allowing the disordered parts of me to take over, but I'm trying to get back on track again with it and put up a fight, it's just a bit hard, but at least I'm trying to fight it.

I'm still doing really good and enjoying life.

when you used to need it more

I've been really busy all week and haven't had time to sit down and relax for more than 5 minutes at a time, but it has been a nice kind of busy. Two major changes came this week and I have a lot of thoughts in my head about it - mostly positive though.
I've officially moved out of my residency now and live in my own apartment (with the support of the staff from my residency when I need it), and I'm not a teenager anymore.
Two chapters of my life have ended and I haven't really had time to think much about it, but I'll probably make an entry about the two things within the next few days.

First off - yesterday I turned 20. I woke up at my mum's place because we have a tradition in my family, to eat pancakes on my birthday. I had plans all day, so we decided to celebrate it with pancakes in the morning instead of noon. Then I had to hurry back home to my apartment and drop off some pots and pans and then went back to the residency to celebrate it with my now-former roommates and had Daim layercake. At 5 PM I went out with Jonas who treated me with sushi. It was the most amazing place - on the top of Tivoli Hotel on the 12th floor so we could see over Copenhagen while eating the most delicious sushi I've had in a long time. The view was amazing and I can't do anything else than recommend the place to others. It was a great experience.
I also got some really great presents from people - a set of knives, cutting boards, a hand blender, a giftcard to Ikea, 500 DKK to buy the missing food items for my new apartment (like salt, olive oil, sugar etc.), coffee and toilet paper with ducks on from Emma (kind of a joke we have going on), and a beautiful sketch book from Frederikke. Besides inviting me out, Jonas have bought a star in my name, so I'm now a legit owner of a star. Oh, and just because it was really sweet of him - when I returned home to my apartment, Mikkel had taped a shitload of flags on my front door and written me a birthday note on my door.
I'm so grateful to have these people in my life.

As said, I've moved out - the apartment turned out way better than I imagined it would be and I'm really happy about it by now. It's been a hectic week. Monday, I got green lights for moving out as soon as I could and started packing some boxes. Tuesday I fixed the holes in the walls that the previous owner had left, and then I started painting the walls with help from Frederikke and Mikkel. Wednesday was spent on painting the walls with the help from them again, and then I went to Ikea during the evening (unfortunately with no luck). Thursday, we moved all my furniture to the apartment and started unpacking boxes. Emilia came over during the evening and helped me clean the kitchen since the previous owner left it in quite a mess. Friday was my birthday.

and every time is the last time

It's only 11 AM and it's already 17 degrees here. I'm not really a big fan of winter or cold weather in general, so I'm extremely stoked about the temperatures getting hotter and seeing more plants turning green again. My face has already started tan up just slightly because I try to be outside as much as possible.

My birthday is only 8 days away. I don't really understand that I'm almost 20 years old, it certainly doesn't feel like what I thought it would when I was a kid. It's weird, most of the people I've talked about age with agrees with it - when they were kids, they were also sure that when you were 20 years old, you'd be steady in life and sure about what and where you're going and generally just act like what we thought was "adult". In reality, we're all still running around in a haze of confusion and idiocrasy.
Speaking of that, this confirms it all; Mikkel and I are attending a soapbox car-race on the 26th this month. Not because we're actually aiming to win the race, but because we want to make the coolest soapbox car ever made. We already have a theme for the car and a name - "Soap in in the air" (reference to a Danish pop song from 2000, because we can). Our theme is "pimp", so we're going to paint it purple with a lot of feathers, chains and in-your-face-gadgets.

Jonas and I have been together for 2 years in less than a month from now. Kind of crazy to think about, because it somehow feels much longer and yet like a shorter amount of time. I'm really happy about it all and I'm looking forward to spending the day on doing something nice together, just the two of us.

I've also signed up for school! I'm starting on August 19th. It'll just be Danish, English and math for this round so I can finally get to finish that chapter and graduate. I'm actually really excited about this. It's only a year, so if I start to get tired of it all, I just have to remember that if I don't finish now, I'll have to take the classes all over again someday. I'm really looking forward to start up and stop worrying about my lack of education.

I'm also set to move out of this house somewhere in the middle of June. It's the most shitty apartment I could ever think of, but I'm trying to get the best out of it and not be bitter about it. I'll still try to fight for one of the other apartments though, but I'll accept it if it doesn't turn out like the way I'd prefer it.
It's only 14km2 (the room I have right now is actually slightly bigger than that apartment), 1 room with only 1 window and pipes sticking out of the wall, dark worn-out floor and the smallest kitchen. On top of that, I don't even get to have my own bathroom, I have to share it with my neighbor. When I describe it, it doesn't even sound as shitty as it is in real life, haha. It just annoys me to know that there's an empty apartment that's 3 times as big as this one with light floors and a lot of windows, the cutest kitchen and a bathroom. As it is right now, there's no one to move into that apartment, so it bugs me a bit that I can't take over that apartment instead of the shitty one.
I'm trying to be positive about it though, since I'm really just looking forward to moving out.

There's not really any news about my internship-hunting. I might be able to "work" at a library nearby, but it's not really set at all right now. I'm hoping for it, though.

Klarsyn

Yes, I am sitting on a dragon because fuck you that's why.

I'm not that good at pulling myself together and update this blog right at the moment. I'll just write a short entry for today because I'm actually about to get some well-deserved rest and sleep.
I'm very content at the moment. I've generally just been feeling all kinds of positive emotions for a good while now. The days are looking brighter, and each day is bringing me new opportunities.
I don't really have much time alone and I'm in a constant movement these days. I spend about 90% of the hours I'm awake with someone by my side, and the last 10% is nowhere near anything uncomfortable. I feel at rest and I feel comfortable in life as it is right now, and though there might still be some battles, I'm getting really good at controlling them and not letting them overtake me too much.

I feel like I've gotten a hold of myself, that I know who I am and I don't feel like a shell anymore. I have a strong sense of who I am and I'm trying to hold on to it so I won't end up "losing myself" again.
The last four or five days, I've felt like I was completely in the present most of the time, that I've appreciated the small things in life and the greater aspect, that I can breathe.

Summarizing what I've been up to the last few days; went out and saw "Hair" at Østre Gasværk, been to the zoo with Jonas, had a water-fight in the sun, went for a lot of long walks with good company, "broken into" the school I went to in 2011, went to the ER, been to Christiania, tried out a newly-opened hookah bar nearby, eaten sushi and laughed too hard at too many things.

it's easier to quit, it's harder to admit and you're pushing me

I went to Tisvilde with some of my roommates this weekend, mainly just for the sake of relaxing and having fun. I went for a walk in the woods and on the beach with Frederikke, read a book I haven't gotten to finish before, written something (finally!), eaten a lot of cake and taking weird pictures. All in all, it was a really great trip.
I'm happy that I pulled myself together and wrote again, and I might post it here in a few days. I wrote it on Frederikke's computer, so she has to get home before I can post it.

I'm trying to quit smoking. I smoked 6 cigarettes yesterday, and today I've only had 2. I usually smoke around 20 every day, so I'm very proud of myself. I hope that I might be able to stop completely tomorrow, but I won't beat myself up if I don't. I have to admit that I'm a little jittery right now, but there's not really anything I can do about it. I'm broke (as usual) and I have a total of 14 DKK (about 2,50 USD) until next pay-day.

I don't really know what to write about right now. It's easier for me to update when it has only been a few days since the last entry. So I'll just post this here and hope I'll come back and update somewhat soon.

I should know you aswell

So this is a post about progressing and staying positive.

I'm not saying that I'm in a good mood all of the time, neither that I'm looking at things in a brighter light all of the time. It can be really hard and it can feel impossible to do sometimes because it's really difficult to change your thinking patterns. But I would say that I'm staying/trying to look at things positively a majority of the time by now. Sometimes I need a little outlet and have a day where I can just lay in bed and get some of the negativity out of my system, but I get up and do the things that I need to the day after.

I can see a change in a lot of things by trying to look at things positively. If I feel leftout, I tend to think "I could be replaced so easily", but instead I think "I can be replaced, and that's okay, because people change with time and I'm (sadly) also going to replace someone in the future because that's how humans work". If I feel like there's no point in getting out of bed, I try to replace that thought with "there's no point in staying in bed either and it certainly won't make me feel better, so I might aswell give it a try and do something".
It sounds really lame, but when I actually got a hold of that way of thinking, it really helped me.
I'm trying to look at life in a different way that I'm used to.

My younger self would probably hate me for saying this, but I've come to realize how true some of the things I were told that could ease depression actually works.
I was told that a messy room can "mess your mind" and cause you some mental chaos, and I didn't think it made sense at all. Well, my room is clean most of the time now, and now I do believe it's true. When my room is messy, I tend to lack motivation to do things and it all seems pointless.
Regular sleep, eating and exercise. For me, they are all linked. The days I work out, I eat way more regularly and I sleep much better in comparison to when I don't exercise. If I don't get enough sleep, I either don't eat much or eat the wrong kinds of food and I feel too fatigued to work out. If I eat healthy foods I get more energy and crave exercise, which in the end makes me sleep better. So for me, they're all linked and can't really work without one of those "actions".
Exercising boosts my mood and confidence because I feel like I'm doing something good for myself, eating healthy and enough makes me feel like I'm "safe" (due to the eating disorder) and makes me feel better about eating, and good sleep makes me more at rest with myself and makes me avoid over-thinking. So I do believe that those actions are important keys to getting better..
(It's kind of weird, if I haven't eaten enough during the first hours of the day or if I accidentally skip a meal, my mind automatically goes into a "you should try to see how long you can go without eating again, you could lose some weight"-mode, so I try to avoid that. It's just weird that those thoughts are louder when I haven't eaten regularly.)

I'm really proud of myself for trying to change my way of thinking. I'm trying to put all of me into the battle of getting better and it's working. Of course there's still some things that I haven't conquered, but I do believe that things will get better with time and hard work.

And also, just because I'm really, really proud of myself for not freaking out and actually being stoked and happy about it - I'm officially in the normal weight range now!! I weigh 53,2 kg as of yesterday and my BMI is 18,7 now, so I'm no longer underweight. I still need just a few more kgs to be at my healthiest weight, but I'm honestly just happy about getting so far.

I'm also starting up at a health food/whole foods-store (no idea if there's a word for it in English, but in Danish it's "helsekost") sometime soon, and I'm really looking forward to it. It's going to be nice to have some sort of work to do again.

we used to play outside when we were young and full of life and full of love

I'm surprised with how dark my natural haircolour really is. I had blonde hair when I was a kid and had it dyed in many different colours for many years, but I haven't dyed it since I "shaved" my head in December. So it's all my natural haircolour now. I'm keeping it this way since I actually quite like the colour and also because it's a whole lot easier to keep this way.

Things are still going uphill. Besides yesterday where I had the most lazy and un-productive day I've had in a long time (it was Sunday afterall), I think I manage normal everyday errands well. I'm a bit low on energy today and my gender dysphoria is running high, but I still know that the best way to get my thoughts away from it is to do something. Other words for that is simply just to lift some weights and go for a run.
Though working out doesn't take away my dysphoria completely, it can make it slightly easier to deal with. Exercising boosts your overall-mood and I feel like I'm doing something to change the way my body is - even if they're just small changes, it can still help a bit. I'm growing stronger and my body is starting to develop some muscles (I'm not saying that I'm totally shredded, far from it) so it's a small comfort now that I'm not on hormones.
I don't talk much about my gender dysphoria because I'm ashamed of feeling the way I do. It's also somehow a reminder for me, that things aren't the way it should have been from the start, if I talk about it all. The reminders are horrible, hence why I don't write about it much on my blog anymore.

In a few hours I'll go bowling with the rest of the residents from this house and the people from the Valby-apartments. I'm excited and I think it'll end up really funny since we all suck quite hard at bowling. We're eating at a café nearby after that.
There's not really any news about me moving to Valby. Their answers are very vague - they've told me that I'm moving out in a month, but also that I'm moving out somewhere during Summer, so I'm pretty confused about it all. When I ask them directly about when their plans are for that, they can't really give me an answer. I'm taking things as they come and that's okay, just a little annoying.
I'm also looking into getting a part-time job at a museum, if I didn't already write that in another entry (I'm too lazy to check right now, haha).

Things are generally going really good and I'm proud of myself for managing it. 

I need the song started over, your crying made me miss my favourite part

I'm continuing to get better at doing every day-things and everything is pretty much going in the right direction. I hate admitting it, but I'm actually very proud of myself for managing those things, even though it's just "regular" things like getting up early, keeping my room clean, grocery shopping etc. I've had a problem with doing all those things for years due to my mental state, but I can feel that things have gotten a lot easier to do for me.
I rarely wake up with self-hatred anymore. It happens, but more and more days are getting between them, and I wake up in a great mood most of the time. Within the first 10 minutes I'm downstairs in the kitchen and making my morning coffee. I think that's pretty great when I previously spent up 3-4 hours in my bed after I woke up. I also wake up at 8 or 9 AM naturally by now.

Eating is still getting better. As guessed, the thoughts of it all are still there, but I'm much better at ignoring them. Even though I know it's logical to get more of an appetite when you're working out, I'm also confused because I'm pretty much eating all the time. Working out definitely pays off - I'm in a much better mood when I've done it, I sleep better, I'm gaining muscle mass and I feel better about myself. As it is right now, I work out every other day - about 30 minutes of cardio and between 20 to 40 minutes of strength training, all depending on my energy levels.
My fear of grains is coming back and it's something I battle with these days, but yesterday I ate a bagel just to say "fuck you" to the thoughts about it and nothing happened (dun dun dun - what a surprise). So that's probably something I'll challenge myself with again either today or tomorrow.

I think it's weird how many memories a song can contain. "Plays pretty for baby" just came on shuffle, and now I'm re-living the summer of 2011. Many of my back-then-roommates and I had a craze with that song the whole summer and I have a lot of great memories attached to that song. It was the summer where Jonas and I fell in love, Emilia and I went to London for the first time, and lots of nights where spent in Søndermarken with guitars and laughing like maniacs. I have a lot of memories playing in my head right now and I miss it a bit, but I'm so happy that I got to experience those memories. It was also the summer where I strained my toe because I wrestled with a roommate in the dark while being drunk.

here's your lifeline

Yesterday ended up being really great. Emilia came over around noon, we drank a cup of coffee at my place and packed some salad before we headed off to the train station. Because I had already thought about going to Lousiana and Emilia just turned 20, I offered a ticket as a birthday present. The main exhibition wasn't really anything for us since we're not the biggest fans of pop-art, but some of the other exhibitions were really amazing. We got a cup of coffee there, ate our salad and then went back home to Copenhagen and ate sushi at "our" sushi restaurant. There's this place near me that we always go to when we eat sushi together, and oddly enough we're always offered the same seats.
It was really great to hang out with her again and I've missed it a lot.

Today I'm going to Den Blå Planet with Frederikke and her family. It's the biggest aquarium in Nothern Europe and it just opened a few days ago, so I'm really excited about this. Jonas is going to drop by somewhere during the evening, so this day looks like it will be really great too.

And just because I'm really happy about this - I'm up to 52,5 kg now, which means I'm only half a kg away from being in the normal range. Ideally, I have to get up to 57-59 kg so that's not far away from where I am at now. My workouts and diet is going really great and I feel so much healthier. Of course the thoughts about losing weight is still there, but I'm gettting really great at dealing with them. I'm just really happy about what I do right now.

Overall, I'm just feeling really great.

Coming out of my cage and I've been doing just fine

So I'm in a good mood these days. Had a wonderful weekend at my mum's place where Jonas came and slept from Saturday to Sunday. We were just being idiots and goofballs most of the time which is always fun. It's weird to think that we're only two months away from our 2 year anniversary. I'm hoping to do something nice on that day like we did last year when we were in Berlin. It probably won't be that big of an event as last year since we're low on money, but I'm happy nonetheless.
 I slept at my mum that weekend because that guy who broke into our house last time I wrote here, he tried to get in again this Friday morning. It's so stupid that you feel unsafe in your own house, but we all feel that way and I think it's pretty understandable. I don't think most people would be okay with a guy trying to break into your house and not as often as he tries to, at all. But the police have told us residents to call them if we just have the slightest doubt about him being on our ground and then they'll be there in 5 minutes.

Yesterday I talked briefly with my contact person about the whole moving-situation. It might not be as soon as they talked about last week (which was 6 weeks from that meeting), but it'll be before Summer vacation starts, so it's not that far from now anyway. The vacation starts in June, so it's a few months away.
He also told me about which of the apartments that they have in mind for me. It's right next to Mikkel's on the ground floor, unfortunately the apartment that sucks the most, but I'm not complaining. I'm just excited about moving in a few months and living on my own. I think with the right interior design, it'll be really nice anyway.

I have a lot more energy to do things. Today I was up at 7:30 AM, had my coffee and my breakfast and now I have no idea what to do for the rest of the day. I did my laundry and worked out yesterday and my room is squeaky clean, so I don't really have anything to do now. I'm thinking about going to my favorite museum, Lousiana, because I finally have money for the train ticket. I have a member's card to the museum so I don't have to pay, but because it's so far away it ends a bit expensive.
Later today I'm meeting up with Emilia and I'm really looking forward to that. We haven't hung out as much as we used to since she got her own apartment, so I'm happy that I get to see her today. Before she got her apartment, we used to hang out every other day or so. I think we see each other about once every week for a only few hours. I might ask her out for a cup of coffee now that I have the money for it, I think it might be nice.

I'd give you all a boy could give you

Even though we're nearing the end of March, it's still snowing like crazy here in Denmark. Everybody is getting pretty tired of it and you can definitely feel a drop in the mood of everybody in the house because of that. I'm really looking forward to Spring and some warmth.

And some big news; I'm probably moving out in six weeks. The residence owns some apartments located in Valby and they're now talking about offering me one of the apartments. I have lived in these houses for 3 years in total and even though I'm not as self-dependent as they want me to be, they're talking about it because it might help me to grow more stable if I were to live on my own with the support of the staff from this house. I'm actually really cool with the idea of it and I feel like it might be the right thing for me. So if I keep up the good work, I'm moving out in six weeks from now!
I'm kind of confused because the suggestion came rather unexpected. A month ago I was closed to being kicked out of the house and now they're offering me one of the halfway-apartments. Quite a change of direction, but I'm really happy with it.

Other news; I'm up to 51,3 kg now. I think a lot of the weight might be muscle because the skinny pants I wore back when I weighed 42 kg still fits me (to my big surprise). I'm actually pretty cool with my weight right at the moment and I'm only 2 kg away from being in the normal range, so everything is good. I'm taking it easy with the cardio when I train because I'm afraid of losing what I've gained, but when I lift weights I can feel that I've gotten stronger, so everything is going in the right direction and I'm happy about it. The strength training also increases my appetite which is just a bonus.

don't you just love goodbyes?

I need to update more often. Not necessarily because I'm experiencing a lot of things because that's really not the case, more because when I finally decide to write a new entry I never know where to begin because it's been a while and I'm not sure what to write. It's somehow easier to write a new entry when it hasn't been long since the previous one.

Slightly crazy things are happening around me at the moment. Last weekend we had to call the cops because one of my roommates' ex-boyfriend had broken into our house. The police came and looked for him in the house but couldn't find him, so they left after half and hour or so. Turns out he had hidden himself somewhere in the house for 6 hours after they left.
Another roommate moved out very suddenly because she had been a bit aggressive lately and broken random kitchen utensils in her rage-fits but got banned from the house because she hit one of the men who works here.
And a new girl has moved into the other house which has also brought some really surrealistic situations. She's very smart and independent, but when she gets angry or sad, her mind takes her back to her mental state when she was 5 years old which causes her to get the hissy-fits of a little child and everything is just really odd.

I'm doing okay at the moment. I had a meltdown this Thursday and I'm trying to work it off now. I think the reason why it hit me so hard was because I tried too hard to stay positive and by doing that, I didn't let out any negative emotions and pushed them away instead which only backfires in the long run. I'm okay now, but I can feel that I need to take some time to rest and allow myself to feel the negative emotions when they are there without grasping onto them too much and overthink them.

I still have this hollow feeling and insecurity about who I am as a person. I don't really know how and when it will go away, but I hope for it to be soon. It's quite annoying and I wish I didn't feel that way, but I also think it's understandable when you think about the fact that I'm trying to change my way of thinking. It'll most likely come together and set in normally once I get a grasp of it, but I know it takes time.

In three days it'll be 7 years since my father passed away. It's a weird to think that it has been that long but at the same time it feels like it's much longer. I'm okay with it and it's not because I'm sad about it, it's just a weird feeling I have about it all. He hasn't been there through all my teenage years and I've gotten over his death many years ago, but I still think of him often. It has been years since I visited his grave, so I think I'll come around and leave some flowers on his grave that day. I suspect that it might be hard even though I've gotten over it, but I think the one of the reasons why I'm good at keeping it at distance is because I haven't visited his grave for so long. Somehow knowing that his bones lies metres under me might be a thought that will be hard to grasp.

you're crouched on all fours counting tile, losing bile and sleep

I've cancelled all of my plans for today because I can feel that I just need a day to be myself and relax. I've been crazy social for the last week and a half, more social than I've been in a really long time. It has all been really fun and I enjoy having enough peace in my head to be around others, but today I can feel that I need to do some positive things alone and for myself only.
The 28th I stumbled into Emma on the stairs and she asked me if I wanted to go outside and throw eggs. She has had a lot of stressful things on her mind and felt like getting her frustrations out, and since eggs break easily and doesn't make a lot of noise but still has a satisfying way of cracking, it was a perfect choice.
Mikkel randomly called her when we were out, and when she told him what we were doing, he asked us if he could join in an throw some eggs, too. Then Stefan asked us too, and all of the sudden we were 4 frustrated young adults on a quest to find a shop where we could buy 80 eggs at night. Obviously it wasn't possible, so Mikkel came up with the idea that we should buy some wine and sit in a nearby park and "være nederen" together. It ended up being really fun though we also had some difficult talks.

Drunk kids.

The night after that, I went out with Emma. We went to Cosy, got some drinks and ended up talking with strangers (which is normally very unlike me, I'm really uncomfortable talking to people I don't know. I blame the alcohol).
I've also been on some "dates" with Jonas and ate out with him which has been really nice. I've walked some long walks with Emma and Frederikke, and other than that it has just been some random hang-out sessions with different people. I haven't really had any time for myself, maybe 2 hours a day where I was alone. It has all been really nice.

I've thought about doing a project where I paint a self portrait with a few months apart so I can look back and see how my mind changes. I'm currently in a spot where I feel like everything's blurred and uncertain because I'm trying to change my way of thinking. I think it might be interesting to paint what I feel without painting myself in figure, and then see how it has changed next time I paint again.

My weight has pretty much stayed the same since the last time I wrote here. I'm 49,5 kg at the moment and it seems like no matter what I do the number won't go up. My thoughts about it all changes a lot, but currently I'm coping very well and don't think that much and often about it all. The thing that annoys me the most is my self-perception. Every time I'm about to be weighed, I'm sure I've gained enough to not be underweight anymore, that I look healthy and am at the right spot, but when I step up on the scale it's still too low and haven't even changed at all and it all just confuses the shit out of me because I'm so sure that I've gained. 

As I wrote, I feel like everything's blurred and I'm unsure about a lot of things. That's also why I need this day to just be myself so I hopefully can get just a few pieces back in place. I'm ambivalent about how I feel and generally just who I am as a person now that I'm trying to change my thinking patterns, after all I've thought about things in this perspective since early my earliest teenage years. It's quite a change and because of that, I can't really grab a sense of myself and who I am. I'm not sure if I'm doing okay or not, but I guess that I'm okay at the moment. It's just a bit frustrating to feel so split about everything, but hopefully it'll pass.

I cherish my loss, a gentle reminder

I'm generally doing well right at the moment. I'm trying my hardest to seperate my "sides", the self-destructing and the one with a positive outlook on life. Though it's a bit difficult, it has already helped a lot to look at myself/my thoughts and reflect on why I think like that, whether it's about my own self-perception or the future and what it brings. It has already brought a lot of good things with it. I'm a lot more social than before.

I've spent a lot of these days on having laughing fits and being silly. I'm feeling much more human and not like a "shell" right at the moment, and that feeling is fantastic. I'm trying to do something good for myself each day, whether it's painting, going for a walk alone or hanging out with someone. I've also started exercising and I'm enjoying every bit of it. I'm going to work out again tomorrow and I'm genuinely excited about it.

I'm up to 49,3 kg now. It's really great and I have a lot more energy and feel better physically. But my self-perception is beyond fucked. Sunday when I was together with Jonas, he sat near the corner of the couch and asked me to curl up besides him. I asked him to move over so I could wiggle into the corner of the couch, but he just gave me a weird look and didn't move. When I sat down, I realised that there was about 20 cm of space surrounding me and I was kind of freaking out in my head because I genuinely thought that I wouldn't fit in there. I have to work on it, but I don't really know how.

Right now I'm really looking forward to the 28th. I'm broke but fortunately I have a few items left in my fridge and I think they'll last until then if I play my cards right. Well, I can hope they will. But I'm really looking forward to be able to grocery shopping and eating without having to worry about money.

But yes, I'm doing quite well right now. 

red light flashing on the car we're kissing in

When I climbed into bed earlier, I had a sense that I had accomplished a lot of things today. It was really wonderful and I'm somewhat content right now. I'm munching on some dark/white chocolat muesli as a late night snack, so it can't really get better than that, haha.
I went to the meeting about goals and things I have to achieve/work on in order to stay in the house. I was nervous but I think it went very well - some of the staff came to me afterwards and told me the same thing, so I'm keeping positive. We worked on some goals for the next 4 weeks and how to motivate/keep adding more pace and long term goals. It wasn't too overwhelming and I really think I can do it, I'll give my best shot! Some of the goals were to get me up in the healthy BMI range, get up somewhat early in the morning, doing a few chores throughout the day and make sure to take my meds, and when all is set, get back on hormones. There were a few other goals too, but it's all for now - I have a meeting alike this in 4 weeks where more things will be added. It would be too overwhelming if it was all at once, but I believe I'm capable of this right now.
 After the meeting I've had Emilia come over for an hour or so, completely tidyed my room so it's nice to be in again, done the laundry, grocery shopping and hanging out with Emma for a little while. Also I've been eating like crazy today, haha.

And this made me so happy and excited to hear - I have permission to start strength training! My psychiatrist even encouraged me to do it and thought it was a really good idea to start doing it now. I will only work on my muscles and gain muscle mass through that healthily. I'm starting up tomorrow and just doing some light exercises as my body has to grow more adjusted to it and I'm really excited about it all. Weight-wise, it's going in the right direction and I'm up to 47,3 kg now.

We're working on a project here in the house. We've bought a huge canvas everybody can paint on, and when it's done, we'll hang it up on one of the walls in the kitchen. So far it has only been Emma and I who have painted a bit on it, but I'm looking forward to see what the others might come up with. Emma and I did the background together, and she made the flowers/branches in the right corner while I have made the sketches/start of the woman in the left corner. It's only in the early stages right now, hopefully it'll end up awesome!

your mind is playing tricks with you, my dear

I had an appointment with my shrink today and he said something that I never really thought of before. I tend to see myself as having two parts that contradicts each other, one of them being the "sick", negative and self-destructing part and the other one being the "healthy", somewhat stable and normal. I told him how I try to defeat and ignore the part of my mind that tells me that I shouldn't gain more because "I look like I'm at a normal weight" and I should get back to 42 kg again, because I know that it's my brain playing tricks with me.
We talked about the preparations of a meeting I have next week about my living situation and that I might be positive about it during the meeting and think it'll work out, but that I eventually might feel like it doesn't matter and I should just move out because I'm not capable of getting better. He then used the words I had used earlier during the appointment, "it's my brain playing tricks with me". That it's not actually anything I think, but just my brain being a fucking bastard.
He is right. When I have those times where I can't get out of bed just to get a glass of water because I think everything is impossible and pointless, they aren't pointless at all. It's my mind - the fucked up part of it - that are trying to convince me that the things are futile and that I'm not worth anything. But it's not my "own" thoughts so to say, it's just the bad part of me that tries to fool me, which sadly it often manages to do pretty well.
Next time I have those days, I'd try to look at it differently. If I can't get out of bed because the self-destructing part tells me that it's meaningless to grocery shopping/take a shower/call someone/etc, I'll try to look at it as if it was the eating disorder that tries to convince me to get lower - that it's all just tricks being played by that part of me. That it's not actually me that thinks that, but "another person". That I have a future, that I'm not a failure and whatnot it would try to tell me.
I know this might seem pretty basic for many who have been/is in the same situation regarding depression, but I've never thought about it like that. That it's actually not me, it's the illness talking. I guess I'm slow or something, but I never really thought of it like that and I feel like something very important has just been revealed. I'm not the self-destructing part.

she said one day to leave her, sand up to her shoulders waiting for the tide, to drag her to the ocean, to another sea's shore

My hair has gotten long enough to style again. It's actually quite impressive how fast it has grown when thinking about how it was only 18 mm exactly two months ago.
Life is still a mess and there's only been things added to it lately, though I'm not really feeling like going into details with that. I'm trying to keep myself over the surface as good as I can.

Friday I went out with Emilia. We spent most of the night at Cosy with shots and vodka to keep us companied. Despite being out until 7 AM, none of us never really got drunk, only mildly intoxicated. It was fun nonetheless.

Gaining weight is a struggle. Both mentally but also in getting the number on the scale up. I'm weighed twice a week and 5 days ago I weighed almost 47 kg, but I've somehow managed to lose half a kg since then. I'd really like to just get the weight gain over with and if I could snap my fingers and be 57 kg in a second, I would honestly just do it. It scary to see the number going up but at the same time it also makes me really sad if it has dropped because that means I'm not nourishing my body well enough. Mentally it's really tough for me to eat right at the moment because I'm stressed about a shitload of things and not eating is somehow a coping method. A part of me keeps telling me to get back to 42 again, but I know it won't solve anything and only brings more shit into this whole situation. That weight, despite how fucked up I think it is, somehow seems comforting and safe (though the reality of it is the exact opposite of everything and all).

I've started on a meds to even out my anxiety. I hope it works, though I feel like it's a setback for me to be on medicine again - I haven't been that for 2 years. It works as an antidepressant, anxiolytic and a mild sleeping pill combined which I guess is quite good, since those are three things I'm battling with most of the time. 

Living situation is still unsettled and chaotic. I've talked a bit with them about moving out voluntarily, but nothing is set yet and I'm still not sure if that's the decision I'll end up with. So no news on that matter.

soulmates never die

My life is chaotic right now.

I'm close to being kicked out of my residency. I was told briefly about during the end of last week and yesterday I had a bit more in-dept conversation with my psychiatrist and contact person about it. I knew I was at risk which already worried me then, but it turns out I'm closer than I thought. I have a meeting in two weeks which will be more serious and only about that subject with my psychiatrist, contact person, the owner of the residency, caseworker, and my therapist. Needless to say I'm frightened.
The reason to it is because it costs the state 50.000 DKK each month for every single resident and if you don't progress enough while living here, it's not considered a good investment and they'd rather use the money to pay for another person who shows more progress. I understand their point of view, I know it's a shitload of money they spend on me having an adress here and I see where they come from when they think it's a waste of money + space if they think I don't try hard enough. I already know that I haven't progressed much at all for a year now so it's not a big shocker to me in that sense.
My psychiatrist told me it's "the final call", so either I have to get better when it comes to a handful of my problematics that I've tried solving for years, or else I'm being kicked out. I'm given a short time frame to fix my problems all at once.
I don't deal well with pressure nor being stressed and it's during those times I tend to fall deeper. I'm scared of it all and I honestly don't think I will be able to live up to those things. If it were just a few things and a longer time frame, I would might be able to make it. But it's all of my problematics at once and a very short period of time I'll have to change everything in order to stay here.

There's a lot of thoughts in my head and I'm uncertain about what I'm going to do right now. I can try to do my best and see if it works and they'd let me stay here, but I honestly don't believe it's reachable goals because of the time span. If I do get to work out some of my problematics but not enough for them to let me stay here, I might feel even worse about it. I'm not good at handling "you tried your best but it's not good enough"-situations.. (all that was worded really poorly, but I'm not sure how to express it)
"quit while you're ahead". If I put all my work into it and they'd still reject me in the end, it could harm my mentality (know from past experiences). I'm thinking about moving voluntarily, the problem is that I have nowhere to go as it looks right now. I'm thinking about discussing it with my contact person it tomorrow, to know what the consequences could be. To be honest, I'd rather have it like that. Move out by own choice than being told to leave. And again, I really don't believe the goals are reachable at all. Many might say "it's worth trying", but I just know that it could wind up hurting me pretty badly.

The reason why the thought of being told to move is hurtful is because I always feel insufficient and like I can't live up to what people expect of me. This pretty much confirms it.
I can't even live normally enough to be accepted at a house for people who already have problems to begin with.

at the top of my lungs

Alfred the cat from my first-ever camping trip last summer. I know I've posted this picture before, but I just found it while looking through some of my files. I want a cat.

I haven't really done anything particular the last few days. Monday was spent with Jonas at the ward he's permitted to and good times with him, and today I've hung out with Emilia and eaten sushi with her. Besides that, all I have done is crashing at my mum's place all week, eating, sleeping and watching tv. And eating and sleeping some more. Really not that interesting, haha.

Most of my focus is currently still on food, but in the complete opposite direction. I'm trying my hardest to eat enough and I don't know if my head is playing games with me, but it looks like it has paid off a bit. I haven't weighed myself all week, so I have no idea if it's correct or not. I'm hoping for a few kgs at least - I hope it's up to at least 46 which might be quite realistic. But again, I have no idea if it's just my head that's messing with me.
It's a bit scary though and I've had some moments where I was terrified, but I try my best to look at it with a positive mind. I've eaten a food I've feared two days in a row now, so I'm happy about that! Soon it'll be pasta I'll dig into (with a positive state of mind, because pasta is fucking amazing and I miss it so much.)
My body is starting to get a bit more adjusted to it by now and I don't feel a lot of pain now after I've eaten. One thing I find really great about it all is the fact that the chest pains are only there a few times during the day now and only for a short time before it stops again. Definitely happy about that because that shit was scary.
I'm really just trying to keep a positive mind about it all.

I'm having a lot of anxiety attacks these days though. My mum's place is usually "my safe place", but I've had those attacks while being there this week. It was also one of the reasons why I've been there all week, because I was scared of being alone in this house at night time, but apparently it doesn't really help being at my mum's instead now. I'm not really sure what to do about it... Though I'm not keen on the thought of it, I've considered asking my psychiatrist about prescribing me some sort of tranquilizer because the anxiety is starting to really interfere with my life. I really don't want to start taking pills again, but it's getting to a point where I can't handle the anxiety anymore and it has only been increasing. I can handle a few anxiety attacks each month, but it they have been there almost everyday since mid-December now.

I don't really have plans tomorrow. If I manage to pull myself together, then I'll do a good-ol'-cleaning in my room since it has been so neglected for a long time. I have bought some bed sheets with wolves that I am looking forward to using (yes, I am excited about these sheets. I'm getting old.) Saturday will be spent with Jonas.

Body issues, health and motivation.

So as I've written, I've planned an entry about my eating issues and this is the entry that'll be about that subject.
I actually feel genuinely motivated right now. I know it's going to be tough, not only mentally but also physically since my stomach has shrunken a lot and I can't eat normal-sized portions without being painfully full. But I'm really motivated to get better and I hope to keep that motivation though I know it won't be easy and there will be days where I can't get anything down. I have the support of my loved ones and I'm grateful, because I won't be able to do this alone.
I've maintained my weight for a week and it haven't been easy, but I'm happy about it. My BMI is 15.6 right now, I had some blood tests done which all were normal and I'm awaiting the results from an EKG which I'm quite nervous about. I keep having chest pains that come and go throughout the day along with suddenly having a very high pulse that I can feel beating in my whole body while at rest. So I'm a bit nervous about that, but I hope for the best.

I've started to realize how fucked up this is. Not just "my logic, sane side", but all of me. I'm going to use the over-used cliché of all times, but it has been all about the control. Days where I felt at ease, I would eat more and not think as much about it. If something happened that stressed me, I would not let much get down. It's stupid, because by doing that I lost control over much more relevant things (like getting up and going to school last year, writing applications and health). But with being focused on getting smaller, it meant that I didn't have to think as much about the things happening around me. It has also been about not wanting to have a female body and somewhere in my head it meant that I had to be smaller because then the curves wouldn't be as noticeable. And looking back at photos from a year ago, it's not because I looked much more feminine bodywise than I do now.
I have a few things I look forward to when it comes to getting better. I look forward to not being sick all the time, I look forward to not being tired and cold and I look forward to being able to sit on hard surfaces with my back against walls without hurting. Most of all I'm looking forward to gain health and muscles through training. It's not possible to right now, but when I'm up around the 50 kg I think it's okay for me to start weight lifting and gain the last 4-7 kg through that. 

I'm trying not to think of it as "gaining weight", but "gaining health" instead. That is really my goal. Not just physical health but mental health aswell. Get going in life. There's really no way that losing more or staying at this weight will do my head nor my body any good at all. It's scary to change patterns and it freaks me out, but it's what I have to do in order to get better and I'm really trying. It's terrifying, but I'll really try.
This entry has been quite positive in its own way, but I know it won't be like that everyday and my mind might change, so I really just need support from those around me to help me keeping on track when those days occur. I will probably also write quite often about my thoughts on everything about it here (whether positive or negative) because I probably need to vent things.
But right now (all day and yesterday, too) I'm really motivated and I hope to keep that going.

I've been far away

Denne oversigt er ikke tilgængelig. Klik her for at se indlægget.

I still taste that sickness

So things are weird these days and kind of hectic since I recently wrote here. Mild summary; Saturday I was aggravated by some things happening in my head aswell as a situation between a loved one and I concerning hypocrisy. Then I went to a dinner at my mum's place since my brother just returned from Marocco, but my mother was feeling angry about everything and decided to leave before the dinner even started, so it was just my brother, sister and I. It was nice seeing them both and hearing about his trip.
My mum returned home after my brother left somewhere during the early night. It has been years since I have seen her snap that way as she did that night, from the moment she walked through the door there wasn't a word she wasn't actually yelling out loud, everything was loud and harsh. After a while I started to panic because it brought back a lot of memories from the past that I usually try to surpress, so I left. The last bus home had just driven off and I had forgot my bank card at my mum's, so I walked for a long time in the freezing cold with a cellphone just about to die from low battery. Jonas was out with some friends in Copenhagen and talked me into going home with him so I wasn't alone. I spent the night and Sunday together with him relaxing.
I skipped school yesterday because Jonas was finally permitted to the rehab/psychiatric ward he has been on waiting list for the past months. He needed support so he didn't feel alone there, so I spent most of the day there with him before returning home to myself at 7 PM. I really hope that he decides to stay there this time, though I understand that it's scary being so far away from everyone and that it's hard for him (no shit).
I returned home and met up with Emilia briefly, and after that I had a talk with my stand-in contact person here at my residency about my weight and the issues about it. She had booked an acute meeting with my psychiatrist for today because she wasn't sure how bad my state is. I told her it was all too soon and sudden with the appointment with my psychiatrist, so after a long talk we decided to reschedule it and move the appointment to next week. She's going to talk with him alone today though, and it's okay with me, it was just a little too sudden if I were to talk with him about it today. I'm scared about everything and I'm scared of what he decides for me. I'm probably going to make an entry about the body/weight issues later today so I can get some thoughts out about it, so you few readers I have are warned now.

So life is hectic.

Could you make it on your own?

I took this photo of Jonas on Christmas Eve. Apparently I have been in a relationship with a demon for the past 19 months, haha. I don't know a person with larger pupils than him, it can almost be scary at times.
I'm currently waiting for him to come over and later we might go visit some of his friends that I haven't met yet. I'm actually feeling pretty comfortable with meeting them right now. I have had a bit of a hard time with the thought of meeting new people for the past months, but fortunately it has gotten better recently. So unless I start to feel ill again during the evening, I'm gonna go with him.

I've been sick today and yesterday I had to leave my class and go home because I could feel it getting worse. I have been sick on/off for months and it frustrates me quite a lot to be honest. Just when I'm starting to feel better for a week or two, it comes back. I can't wait for Spring to start.
I started up in school this Wednesday, and it seems quite cool already (despite only being there for a day and a half). Frederikke might be switching classes to the one I'm in and I really hopes she does so she can keep me at company. But I'm excited about this class, it seems like one I could end up really enjoying.

I don't really have many news at all. I'm doing really well emotionally despite a few things that sets me off a bit, but I can manage them. I haven't got to talk with the staff about my eating-issues yet because the time hasn't been there for it, but hopefully it'll be there on Sunday or in next week. I still have some trust-issues but they've gotten better and I try not to think too much about it. All in all, I'm doing well right at the moment.