Et la mer avait embrassé moi.

I'm just thinking about a lot of different things, and I think it might be good to just write it down. This is really most of all just a "note to self", if I can call it that.

One thing I'm thinking about is strange. I'd honestly like to know how others see and read me, because right now I have no idea how others percieve me. I have a lot of different sides just like anyone else, but I'm just wondering if the things they think of me differs from how I percieve myself.
One thing I'm more or less sure of is that some read me as willing to hear them out and caring about others. I know some do that, but I don't really know anything else.
I'm also thinking a little bit about how I see myself. Sometimes it can be hard for me to point out what "the real me" is, and what is actually the illness. When I'm feeling good, I'm very much able to point the two different sides of me out and see the difference between my real self and the illness. When I'm not feeling good, it's more of a blurred line that defines the two parts of me and I can never really figure out what this and that is.
But what people think of me, both those who just talk with me for an hour and those who have been in my life for years, I wonder what they think of me, what kind of person they see me as.

Also, I'm thinking about getting older and what life will be like when I'm 30+, what I want and what I can get out of life. I can't have children, neither biological nor adopting. When I was younger, I never wanted to have children at all, but the thought has grown on me for the last year or so. I actually do want to have kids one day, but in order to do that I will have to sacrifice my own mental health in trying to get them.
If I were to get biological children, I would have to go on estrogen for a few months in order to freeze down biological matters for a surrogate mother. I was faced with this option last year, which was a hard and mentally exhausting thing to face when you're only 18. I knew that if I went on a estrogen for even just a few months, I would most likely end up killing myself, so I passed it down.
I can't adopt children because I have a diagnosis. Not that I want to have kids anywhere in the next many years, but it's still something that concerns me. If I were to have kids, I'd be around 30.

A thing that I'm both happy and sad about is that one of my roommates, Emma, told me that she's moving out in 2 months. I'm really happy for her because she has struggled with many things and has come so far in life and she is finally ready to live on her own. A small part of me is sad and disappointed in myself because I moved in before her in the previous house and left that house to move to this instead before her, and now I'm told I have to stay for another year while she's ready to "be set free". When she leaves, then I'm the only one left of the bunch we started out as - everyone is living on their own. And at that time, I'd still have a year more to spend here.
I guess I'm just disappointed in myself that I haven't gotten better like most of them have, that while they're out living regular lives I will still be stuck here in old patterns.
No doubt that I'm happy and extremely proud of her to get so well in just 2 years, no doubt at all. It's just myself I see as a problem.
And now we're at it, I'm put under a lot of pressure right now here in this house. I am beyond broke and have a 8000 DKK-debt because I can't pay rent due to my lack of money, and I've pretty much been told that I have a week to pay back or else I might get kicked out. It's not the residency's choice, but the munipacity. They don't think I'm willing to coporate with them.
They don't think I'm willing to coporate with them because I can't just sleep and wake up at normal times of the day, because I can't just get out and get an education or a job. Because I haven't done enough progress, because I haven't gotten as much better as they'd want me to be.

I just feel like I don't have any sort of control over what's happening in my life on top of the things that is going on inside my head. The loneliness I can't seem to shake of is starting to get worse, and my relations to Sputnik is coming back. That I can see everyone around me and I can call out to them, but never get any signals back while being in a whole different sphere than the rest and watching them from the distance. I'm down to exactly 47 kg and old habits are kicking in, but right now I just need this in order to cope with everything else. I can't deal with the things happening in my life and I can't deal with my dysphoria.

I've had a pretty intense headache that wouldn't go away despite taking some extra painkillers, an upset stomach and felt tired all day, and right now my heart is beating really fast and loud despite sitting completely still. I think I'm off to paint and listen to some relaxing music now. I know this entry has been really negative, but I should also say that I'm okay, I just needed to get some things out.