The most interesting entry in the world.

So there's someone close to me who has been nagging me about making a new entry, so I'm going to do it now, haha. Thing is, I don't really have anything specific to blog about these days. I don't really do much these days, and I'm starting to get over the meltdown I had about a week and a half ago, so I'm okay. Honestly I don't really do that many extraordinary things these days, and I don't have any specific thoughts I want to vent. So yup, this will be a boring entry.

I just got home from the gym, and now I'm contemplating whether or not if I should eat some soy youghurt. This is pretty much how interesting my life is. Oh, just as an extra uninteresting bonus - I'm also thinking about playing Wii later. (Look Emilia, aren't you just delighted about this entry you've been asking about?)

Saturday I'm going to a tattoo studio with a friend of mine, because she wants me to go with her when she gets her first tattoo. She's going to get a small text on the insides of her wrist, saying "I can do it" as a personal reminder.

OH MY FUCKING GOD I AM SO UNINTERESTING I CAN'T EVEN FATHOM IT.
All my uninterestingness is dedicated to you, Emilia, because you told me to blog. Lol.

So I'm off now.

I think you won't be able to recognize me now.

Yesterday was quite fun. I went home to my mum's apartment and ate dinner with her and my boyfriend and talked about obscene things because that's how my family rolls. Somehow the conversations always turn over to murder, drugs and bizarre stories. It's kind of entertaining. My mum is a really fresh and honest lady, which tends to leave me scarred by things I never wanted to know in the first place, haha. On the other hand, it's always funny and I wouldn't trade her for any other mum in the world. I know most people like their mum to be as mum-like as possible, but I'm actually really happy that my mum is also like a friend for me and not like the stereotypical mother one might think of. It's also a bonus that most of my friends adore my mum, haha!
All in all, then yesterday was really a great day. I ate pasta for the first time in a long time, too. But well, my mum's pasta dish is extremely tasty. I'm such a Mama's Boy. Then my boyfriend and her drank some beers and I drank what most Danish youngsters call "techno-beers", because I feel like I'm about to vomit even if I only drink 3 sips of a beer. It's actually far beyond annoying that I can't drink beers like everyone else my age, because you often get those "what are you, 13?"-comments when you can't drink anything else than Somersby and the like when you're 19, haha.
Great night.

It's weird, my scale says that I'm at the same weight as last week, but it feels/looks like I've gained and it confuses me. Last week I felt like I was slimmer than now, but I weigh exactly the same. Needless to say it annoys the head out of my body. It doesn't have anything to do with the weight being the same, only the feeling of gaining weight without having pisses me off.

I'm considering starting up on sleeping pills for just a short while, because it affects my daily life at the moment. It's not as bad as it normally is, but I'd really just like to be awake during the daytime instead of nighttime. Problems is, I take pride in the fact that I've not been on medicine for over a year and I don't want to go back to using pills to rid myself of troubles. I'd really like to think that I could overcome this sleeping schedule I have now by myself, though it probably won't happen. Sleeping pills seem like a very good idea, but I'd just like to be able to sleep normally by myself.
Again, I should really say that it's not nearly as bad as it could and can be from time to time.

I also bought 5 new canvasses in different sizes, so now I just need to get my inspiration back and paint. For some reason I really feel like painting something with red as the main colour, but I completely lack inspiration. Or maybe I should just start painting and see what happens along with it.

Going back on testosterone?

Short update.

My psychiatrist I see every 3rd month for a quick follow-up (haven't been on meds for over a year) told me something that I never occured to me at all in my wildest dreams. My mood is kind of elevated now haha.
We talked a bit about hormones, and why I stopped. I told him that I had been depressed and everything seemed pointless, and that when I'm starting to feel better I'll go back on testosterone. He then told me that the reason why I now feel bad might be because I'm kind of in no place - I don't identify as a female, and I'm not what society would call a male yet. Kind of a no-mans-land. And that now when I feel depressed about all those thing, isn't it kind of like pulling myself into depression unconciously?
It really got me thinking, I hadn't thought about it before.
I still feel bad and most of my reasons why are because of my gender. I don't know why I hadn't thought about that thing about dragging myself further down when I'm not on hormones. But it all makes sense.
With that said, I'm gonna kick myself in the ass and stop smoking from tomorrow. By next week I'm going back on testosterone, because there's really no reason to drag myself more down, is there?

And an unrelated note, I'm going to get a different haircut and dye my hair later today, because I can.

post-tipsy emotional rant.

There'll be some ranting in this entry, just to prepare you. I've had a lot of things on my mind recently, and I'll share a few of them.

First off; I need to tell you that I've been out drinking with a few of my roommates + former roommates, that's why I feel like it's easier to talk about now. I've had a great night with them, had a lot of fun and serious talks with them and contained a lot of good feelings this night. They all have a psychiatric diagnosis of some sort, it's the reason why we have all been living here. It's nice to have persons at the same age as you who can understand some of the situations you're in. It feels comfortable to talk to them and share a lot of things, because they don't judge and that you know they'll be there for you. Right now Mikkel, Emma and Stefan are laying outside in a tent in the backyard where I was supposed to be too, but it got too much for me all of a sudden and I needed to withdraw myself.
A few nights ago when I was feeling really down, Mikkel told me how he felt that I deserved all the confidence in the world, and that he appreciate and look up to me. I kind of shrugged it off at that moment because I can tend to be bad at handling such words from time to time, but he told me the same thing earlier this night when we were alone, and it still rings through me.
I wonder why I haven't been able to be happy for a decade or so, and why I set my own bars too high. I think everyone deserves an extra chance in life, no matter what they've done - except myself. I think everyone is beautiful in their own way, but I can't find that within myself. I think everyone has some kind of quality or talent in life they should try to develop further, except myself, and while a part of me wonders why I don't feel like I deserve anything, another part tries to convince me that I'm the worst scum on the earth.

Exactly a month ago, I wrote an entry where I mentioned a close-to-self-harming-situation, and it bothers me that the thoughts are still there. I haven't done anything though I've been close to, and I'd really just like to get it out of my system now. At the same time I know it won't solve anything. If I actually did it and told some of the persons I'm close to, they'd be worried, and if I did it and didn't tell them and they found out later on by accident, they'd be sad about the fact that I didn't tell them.
The urge overwhelms me these days, especially during nighttime. There haven't really been days where I didn't feel like doing it in weeks and it wears me out. At the same time I'm scared that if I do it, it might get easier for me to slip into again and do it more often like I did in the past.

I don't feel like I deserve to be here, and I don't feel like I want to be here at all. I don't plan suicide options right now which is good for me, but I just wish I could take it all back and that I was never born to begin with. The act of dying scares me. But I really just wish I never was here to begin with and that I never left any traces. I know I've had an impact on some of the persons in my life, but I really wonder why and how I could do it. I wish I could press some sort of delete button and erase any signs of me ever being here, because I honestly don't want to be here, never did.

I don't know if I should act on my monsters and let them take over me, because they're a lot stronger than me and it's hard for me trying to fight against them. I don't want to be here. I don't feel like I'm worthy of any attention, love and affection, no kind words or plainly just being here and being alive.
It's really hard trying to fight these monsters, and I have never contained much strength nor even luck in cards.
I'd really just like to find a reason for me to be alive that didn't involve anyone else and their feelings, however selfish that may sound. I'd really like to live for no one else but myself and my own reasons.


Nej, jeg vil ikke dø
jeg vil bare være ufødt. 
 - Michael Strunge

This entry contains a lot of writing about my new class and positivity.

Life is kind of quiet in a good sense. I try to push the bad things out of my head, and right now I find it quite working, so I'm really happy about that. Even though school has just started I can already feel just some slight changes in my mood and energy levels. It's nice to have a reason to wake up again instead of sinking deeper into the bed. It's also really nice that the class is so calm and far from demanding. Most people hate jobs and studies that doesn't challenge them, but right at the moment it's what I need and I'm really fond of this class right now. I don't really think I should call it a class to be honest, because it's more like a place that tries to give you the will to try living again, however lame that may sound. It's more personal things here and if you don't feel like doing what the others are doing, you don't have to. It's nice that they don't demand anything else than taking things in your own pace.

Today I woke up and felt like there was no point in anything, which resulted in not getting out of my bed and just sat there doing nothing. One of the staff members of my residency came up and helped me getting my butt kicked out of my room and taking babysteps towards school, starting with "well, what about a cup of coffee? We can go outside and sit in the sun" and things like that. In the end I got out and went to school, so I'll have to make a note for myself of how important it is to simply just do it even though it feels impossible. My mood was really good when I actually got to school.
Sadly they had just stopped painting and being creative when I got there, but it was a nice day nonetheless. We went for a long walk in the park and just talked with each other.
When I got home, I went to the gym with Camilla, so I'm sure my body will hurt tomorrow.

But yeah, overall I think my mood is good and I have energy to do things right away. I've even read some chapters in a book, haha.
Still dealing with crazy bad self-esteem and self-worth which kind of handicaps me in some situations and makes me avoid certain things. Not a good thing, but the circumstances and mood is great anyway. I don't really want to write about negative thoughts right now, in case it'll put me down. It's mostly the negative thoughts about myself that bothers me, but trying not to let them reach me. I'm just glad that I'm starting to be awake during daytime and that I'm actually doing something now. It's really nice to feel like you're somewhat active. I'm in a great mood right now. Looking forward to sleeping soon.

Just like I swallowed half my stash, I never ever want to crash.

So I started at the new school yesterday, it all seems nice and okay. Haven't got to talk to most of them (in fact I've only spoken briefly with just a few of them), but they all seem nice. It surprised me how many people we are in that class. We're up around 20-22-ish pupils. Though I must add that it apparently differs a lot about the amount of who's attending each day. Officially, I'm the youngest, but just by 15 days (there's a guy who's also 19, born in the same month as me), and the oldest person is around mid-fifties. Most of them are around 30 years old. They all seem really nice and accepting!
These two days spent there has just been introduction-days, trying to learn about briefly about each other and getting the basic info of the school and our schedule. We'll start up normally on Monday.
It'll be good. I especially look forward to the days we are creative and the days we go to the gym (pretty amazing, we get a free fitness card from them to a nearby gym).
And I also need to mention that one of my classmates said "him" about me today. I haven't told anyone except my teacher about my gender identity.... Success.

I'm down 8 kg, though today I've been craving unhealthy food which is really annoying. Though I said I've only intended to loose 8 kg, I'm just going to go for 2 more and then stop there. Besides, I'm still just around the healthy range there or so.

I'm going to sleep at my boyfriend's place now, looking forward to cuddle up next to him. I'm going to take some new pictures of him tomorrow when we wake up, because it's been a year since we took any not-goofing-around pictures. We're just kind of frustrated that neither of us have no money, because we can't afford to do anything, even if it only costs 30 DKK. So if anyone has suggestions for things you can do for free in Copenhagen that doesn't involve walking in parks (he doesn't want that) and stuff that doesn't involve very public places (I can't do it at the moment), please tell me and I will be joyful.

Quietly he laughs and shaking his head.

 

My camera has a tendency to fuck up some pictures when I transfer them to my computer. This is one of those that turned out odd for some reason, of Emilia. Just thought I'd share because it all looks so weird. Nothing here is edited at all.

So I went to a meeting with my new school, just to talk a little with the teachers and ask some questions. It all seems nice, they seem understanding and the rooms are light and looks great. I assumed to be the youngest in the group, and.. Well, as she said, "well, there's absolutely no doubt that you will be the youngest attendant here". She also told me that most of them are ladies, so there's often a lot of woman-talk and pitied me for not falling within that range, haha. But all in all, it seemed nice and I hope it'll be good. I'm starting on Thursday. 

Other than that, I've just used the day on cleaning my room and sleeping a lot. I'm not even sure if it can be called a nap if it lasts for 8 hours.. I was just really dizzy, had a slight headache and felt airheaded (which was kind of nice, see previous entry why) before I slept. Then I ate something 3 hours ago, and now I don't feel dizzy anymore. Came to realize that I hadn't consumed anything else than water in 50 hours, which surprisingly didn't feel like a long time at all. And to my even greater surprise, I haven't been hungry within those hours were I didn't eat, so I still feel full from the 3-hours-ago snack I had. Kind of weird. But yeah, I don't have a headache and feel dizzy anymore, which means that I can't sleep now. Will probably try to sleep again in an hour or two. 

Today I will clean the rest of all my stuff, even doing those things I hate like white-washing and ironing my all my shirts. It surprises me how much clothes I actually have. I did the laundry 3 times yesterday, and I still have all the white stuff left. Oh well. Then I hope to socialize with someone, and hang out with my boyfriend later on, go buy a new belt, and probably try to paint a little again maybe. It's kind of important that I do something productive these days, or else I tend to fall down. So this is my plan for today. 

I hope the book I pre-ordered a few months ago will arrive soon, I'm really looking forward to reading it. It's an autobiography of the youngest girl in Denmark to ever have a sex reassignment surgery. She was just 18 when she had it done, and now she's 22 years old and living life. (and on another note, she is absolutely drop-dead-gorgeous and stunningly beautiful. The book is called "Mig og ham" and is released on the 9th of August, if I remember correctly.)

And you're pushing me, you're fucking pushing me.

Today was fun. As mentioned, Emilia and I planned to prepare an awesome dinner and have fun - the last part happened, though. Instead of making a healthy, homecooked dinner, we went out and ate loads of crap. And I mean a lot of it. It's a few hours ago now, but I still feel nauseous (and slightly annoyed by it.)
But it indeed was fun, ended up on the streets of Frederiksberg and laughing over random matters and taking mock-photos of ourselves.

It's just really annoying, and I know it's disgusting, but my fingers kind of itches for throwing up. It's stupid, I'm far from being bulimic in any way. I've only done it a few times since the last time I mentioned it, and when I do it, it mostly has nothing to do with weight or food actually. It's more because I get this sort of relief when I'm tense, and I feel - you guessed right - lightheaded. After that, it's as if I don't have room enough for thoughts and just floats around in this kind of bubble-wrap world. And right now, I just need a break from my own world, because it kind of feels like I'm chained to the grounds.
It feels like I can loose myself in the cracks sometimes. I worry too much over unrelated matters and things that are pointless. To my own distress, it often gets bad around the time where I try to sleep. I'm thinking about just keeping myself awake for the next 15 or 16 hours, so I'd hopefully manage to get a somewhat normal sleep schedule after that. I'm off to buy coffee and cigarettes soon then. 28 hours of not sleeping? Let's make that happen again, hopefully for the last time.

My mind feels full, and I really just need to get it out and not think for just a while and stop worrying. I set my own bars too high, which just handicaps me instead of achieving anything. I'd really like to just feel satisfied with my own things and myself, and while it doesn't seem like a hard task to do, it feels like the complete opposite in reality for me. I just need my head to stop spinning and not be in there, but out there instead.
I have the urge to run away from everything (not meant as a metaphor, but litterally run away from everything) for just some days, where I'm only me and no one else, where no one can contact me at all. I just want the tranquility and not having to worry and simply be myself and clear everything. I want to be in a house in the middle of nowhere with the sound of the ocean, where I know nobody would be able to see me if I went outside. I want to just disappear from the surface of everything for just a brief amount of days, where I wouldn't have to worry about what people thinks of me and I could just be myself completely and indulge in stillness. I just want the calmness of it all, because if I can't even achieve that within myself yet, I'd at least like my surroundings to be still, just for a few days.
Unfortunately, I neither have a shed or house in the middle of nowhere and near a shore or lake, and I can't leave my life as it is right now due to pretty much everything. I just want to be abandon my everyday life and soak in quietness and calmness for a few days, really.

Between these spaces, it all got wasted on feeling small.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow, because I'm going to spend some quality time with my good ol' matey, Emilia. We're going to make dinner and eat together and probably just act like goofballs. Luckily, we're kind of close to having the same taste in food, so it's going to be great. Afterwards, I'm heading over to my boyfriend and spend more quality time, so I'm looking forward to everything. It'll be nice.

Yesterday was bad, so I've used this day on recollecting myself and sleeping.
I start up in school in less than a week, so I hope I'll manage to change this "awake-at-night-sleep-during-daytime"-schedule I've run through the last few months. I'm unsure if I'll actually be able to do it before it all starts, because I've tried that for the last few weeks... And look at me, it's a 7 in the morning now. I still have a few days left, so I hope it'll turn out okay.

I currently have a food-related craze. I don't really eat dairy products with an exception for melted cheese and when others make dishes with cream in it and occasional in my coffee when I don't have any soymilk. Then I recently discovered soy youghurt, and oh the joy it was! I eat ridiculously much of it now. The one with vanilla flavour is heaven. The craze have come to a point where I actually talk of this youghurt whenever I get the chance. My love for that youghurt is almost erotic, haha. Oh man. But really.

Well, this was just a brief, brief update in the name of sleep lacking.