I'm not able to say whether or not if I'm fine these days as it changes quite drastically depending on the situation. When I'm alone, in settings I know and with people I'm comfortable with, I'm actually feeling quite awesome, positive and like everything has been worth it. When I'm outside my apartment on my own, have to talk to strangers, have to talk to people I'm not close with, even simply just thinking about strangers, I feel absolutely horrible to the point where I wonder if it actually has been worth it all.
I'm starting on some new meds from tomorrow morning, called venlafaxine. I talked to my psychiatrist about the possibility of having developed sociophobia/social anxiety, which is kind of shitty when you keep in mind that I'm starting up in a new class in 2 weeks from now. Ironically enough, I wasn't able to sleep before 9 AM, only getting 2 hours of sleep before the appointment, because I was anxious about the conversation we were going to have about my anxiety.
I had a day where I managed to cry 4 times. One of them because I was in a social setting with people I didn't know and managed sneak off so no one would notice me, another time because I was asked if a person I've only met once could come over and join us, and the two remaining times because I simply just thought of meeting strangers and it pushed me over the edge. All happened within a timeframe of 21 hours and I honestly still feel like shit when I think of it.
I've had a weird way of coping with strangers since I was a kid and I've tried to avoid it most of my teenage years, but most of the time it has "only" been because I was very uncomfortable with it. Lately it has moved over to actual anxiety and panic attacks and I have no idea why it has changed. It has actually happened quite quickly..
It's humiliating and embarassing to admit to the people around me that I feel like this. I'm not even comfortable about visiting my mum these days, only because her boyfriend is over, despite the fact that I met him for the first time when I was 14. I don't leave my apartment when my neighbor has friends over, because I'm afraid of running into them by accident.
It affects my life to a point where I don't think I can manage it if it goes on like this, hence the meds. Thoughts of self-harm is popping up again and suicide seems way too appealing when I get anxious and I get afraid of myself. I really hope the meds will work somewhat quickly, especially because of the school situation.
This is my 17th day being cigarette-free. Scary to think that I would have spent 680DKK on cigarettes by now if I had continued smoking.
