at the top of my lungs

Alfred the cat from my first-ever camping trip last summer. I know I've posted this picture before, but I just found it while looking through some of my files. I want a cat.

I haven't really done anything particular the last few days. Monday was spent with Jonas at the ward he's permitted to and good times with him, and today I've hung out with Emilia and eaten sushi with her. Besides that, all I have done is crashing at my mum's place all week, eating, sleeping and watching tv. And eating and sleeping some more. Really not that interesting, haha.

Most of my focus is currently still on food, but in the complete opposite direction. I'm trying my hardest to eat enough and I don't know if my head is playing games with me, but it looks like it has paid off a bit. I haven't weighed myself all week, so I have no idea if it's correct or not. I'm hoping for a few kgs at least - I hope it's up to at least 46 which might be quite realistic. But again, I have no idea if it's just my head that's messing with me.
It's a bit scary though and I've had some moments where I was terrified, but I try my best to look at it with a positive mind. I've eaten a food I've feared two days in a row now, so I'm happy about that! Soon it'll be pasta I'll dig into (with a positive state of mind, because pasta is fucking amazing and I miss it so much.)
My body is starting to get a bit more adjusted to it by now and I don't feel a lot of pain now after I've eaten. One thing I find really great about it all is the fact that the chest pains are only there a few times during the day now and only for a short time before it stops again. Definitely happy about that because that shit was scary.
I'm really just trying to keep a positive mind about it all.

I'm having a lot of anxiety attacks these days though. My mum's place is usually "my safe place", but I've had those attacks while being there this week. It was also one of the reasons why I've been there all week, because I was scared of being alone in this house at night time, but apparently it doesn't really help being at my mum's instead now. I'm not really sure what to do about it... Though I'm not keen on the thought of it, I've considered asking my psychiatrist about prescribing me some sort of tranquilizer because the anxiety is starting to really interfere with my life. I really don't want to start taking pills again, but it's getting to a point where I can't handle the anxiety anymore and it has only been increasing. I can handle a few anxiety attacks each month, but it they have been there almost everyday since mid-December now.

I don't really have plans tomorrow. If I manage to pull myself together, then I'll do a good-ol'-cleaning in my room since it has been so neglected for a long time. I have bought some bed sheets with wolves that I am looking forward to using (yes, I am excited about these sheets. I'm getting old.) Saturday will be spent with Jonas.

Body issues, health and motivation.

So as I've written, I've planned an entry about my eating issues and this is the entry that'll be about that subject.
I actually feel genuinely motivated right now. I know it's going to be tough, not only mentally but also physically since my stomach has shrunken a lot and I can't eat normal-sized portions without being painfully full. But I'm really motivated to get better and I hope to keep that motivation though I know it won't be easy and there will be days where I can't get anything down. I have the support of my loved ones and I'm grateful, because I won't be able to do this alone.
I've maintained my weight for a week and it haven't been easy, but I'm happy about it. My BMI is 15.6 right now, I had some blood tests done which all were normal and I'm awaiting the results from an EKG which I'm quite nervous about. I keep having chest pains that come and go throughout the day along with suddenly having a very high pulse that I can feel beating in my whole body while at rest. So I'm a bit nervous about that, but I hope for the best.

I've started to realize how fucked up this is. Not just "my logic, sane side", but all of me. I'm going to use the over-used cliché of all times, but it has been all about the control. Days where I felt at ease, I would eat more and not think as much about it. If something happened that stressed me, I would not let much get down. It's stupid, because by doing that I lost control over much more relevant things (like getting up and going to school last year, writing applications and health). But with being focused on getting smaller, it meant that I didn't have to think as much about the things happening around me. It has also been about not wanting to have a female body and somewhere in my head it meant that I had to be smaller because then the curves wouldn't be as noticeable. And looking back at photos from a year ago, it's not because I looked much more feminine bodywise than I do now.
I have a few things I look forward to when it comes to getting better. I look forward to not being sick all the time, I look forward to not being tired and cold and I look forward to being able to sit on hard surfaces with my back against walls without hurting. Most of all I'm looking forward to gain health and muscles through training. It's not possible to right now, but when I'm up around the 50 kg I think it's okay for me to start weight lifting and gain the last 4-7 kg through that. 

I'm trying not to think of it as "gaining weight", but "gaining health" instead. That is really my goal. Not just physical health but mental health aswell. Get going in life. There's really no way that losing more or staying at this weight will do my head nor my body any good at all. It's scary to change patterns and it freaks me out, but it's what I have to do in order to get better and I'm really trying. It's terrifying, but I'll really try.
This entry has been quite positive in its own way, but I know it won't be like that everyday and my mind might change, so I really just need support from those around me to help me keeping on track when those days occur. I will probably also write quite often about my thoughts on everything about it here (whether positive or negative) because I probably need to vent things.
But right now (all day and yesterday, too) I'm really motivated and I hope to keep that going.

I've been far away

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I still taste that sickness

So things are weird these days and kind of hectic since I recently wrote here. Mild summary; Saturday I was aggravated by some things happening in my head aswell as a situation between a loved one and I concerning hypocrisy. Then I went to a dinner at my mum's place since my brother just returned from Marocco, but my mother was feeling angry about everything and decided to leave before the dinner even started, so it was just my brother, sister and I. It was nice seeing them both and hearing about his trip.
My mum returned home after my brother left somewhere during the early night. It has been years since I have seen her snap that way as she did that night, from the moment she walked through the door there wasn't a word she wasn't actually yelling out loud, everything was loud and harsh. After a while I started to panic because it brought back a lot of memories from the past that I usually try to surpress, so I left. The last bus home had just driven off and I had forgot my bank card at my mum's, so I walked for a long time in the freezing cold with a cellphone just about to die from low battery. Jonas was out with some friends in Copenhagen and talked me into going home with him so I wasn't alone. I spent the night and Sunday together with him relaxing.
I skipped school yesterday because Jonas was finally permitted to the rehab/psychiatric ward he has been on waiting list for the past months. He needed support so he didn't feel alone there, so I spent most of the day there with him before returning home to myself at 7 PM. I really hope that he decides to stay there this time, though I understand that it's scary being so far away from everyone and that it's hard for him (no shit).
I returned home and met up with Emilia briefly, and after that I had a talk with my stand-in contact person here at my residency about my weight and the issues about it. She had booked an acute meeting with my psychiatrist for today because she wasn't sure how bad my state is. I told her it was all too soon and sudden with the appointment with my psychiatrist, so after a long talk we decided to reschedule it and move the appointment to next week. She's going to talk with him alone today though, and it's okay with me, it was just a little too sudden if I were to talk with him about it today. I'm scared about everything and I'm scared of what he decides for me. I'm probably going to make an entry about the body/weight issues later today so I can get some thoughts out about it, so you few readers I have are warned now.

So life is hectic.

Could you make it on your own?

I took this photo of Jonas on Christmas Eve. Apparently I have been in a relationship with a demon for the past 19 months, haha. I don't know a person with larger pupils than him, it can almost be scary at times.
I'm currently waiting for him to come over and later we might go visit some of his friends that I haven't met yet. I'm actually feeling pretty comfortable with meeting them right now. I have had a bit of a hard time with the thought of meeting new people for the past months, but fortunately it has gotten better recently. So unless I start to feel ill again during the evening, I'm gonna go with him.

I've been sick today and yesterday I had to leave my class and go home because I could feel it getting worse. I have been sick on/off for months and it frustrates me quite a lot to be honest. Just when I'm starting to feel better for a week or two, it comes back. I can't wait for Spring to start.
I started up in school this Wednesday, and it seems quite cool already (despite only being there for a day and a half). Frederikke might be switching classes to the one I'm in and I really hopes she does so she can keep me at company. But I'm excited about this class, it seems like one I could end up really enjoying.

I don't really have many news at all. I'm doing really well emotionally despite a few things that sets me off a bit, but I can manage them. I haven't got to talk with the staff about my eating-issues yet because the time hasn't been there for it, but hopefully it'll be there on Sunday or in next week. I still have some trust-issues but they've gotten better and I try not to think too much about it. All in all, I'm doing well right at the moment.

Keep this scene inside your head as the bruises turn to yellow

So hello to 2013! It sounds so futuristic. I was sick during New Years Eve, but apparently still stupid enough to go to a party and drink. I've now learned that being sick and alcohol is not a good mix. I was about to faint 3 times through the evening. I ate dinner at Emilia's with her and her boyfriend Matthias, and then we picked up Jonas and went to a party one of his friends threw. I had a really good night despite being sick, I think we were home at 5 AM.

I don't have a fever anymore, but I'm still not feeling the best yet. I cough constantly and I've slept 80% of the time during the last 5 days, but I'm hoping to feel good again soon. But on a positive note when it comes to being sick; I've managed to make a pack of cigarettes last for 3 or 4 days. I don't remember the last time I have smoked as little as this, haha. I hope it lasts after I've gotten over this cough so I eventually can stop completely.

So since I've written that I'd seek help with the eating-issues in the new year, I'm thinking about doing it really soon. Problem is that I'm really ambivalent about it, because I know this is not healthy but on the other hand I don't want to gain weight. I'd honestly still like to loose a little more, but I know that's not something that I should act on. If I tell someone about the issues, I know they'd want me to gain, which I understand, but it's a scary thought and I don't really want to. If I can at least just stay here I'd feel just a bit more comfortable about it but I know that's not realistic. I weigh 42,5 kg right at the moment, and in my head I don't want to get lower (as in reading a number smaller than this) but I still feel like I should loose more. But I want this to be the year where I "get a grip" (as in trying all I can to gain positive things in my life) and I don't think staying at this weight/getting lower exactly does anything good to me and my body. So I'll try to talk with someone next week.

As said, I wish for this year to be the year where I treat myself better and gain more positive things in life. I won't really call any of this "resolutions" but more like hopes for this year. I'm starting up in school on Wednesday, and I hope this will be the first time where I don't drop out of a class in my life. It only lasts a few months anyway.. I also hope that I can move out somewhere during this year (if that's a thing that'll happen, it'll probably be during the end of 2013, but I can still hope). I also hope to do more things that are good for me instead of lying around in bed all day.  
I'm turning 20 years old this year. Holy shit. I'm getting old.