you come across impure

I've been in a bad mood most of the weekend and I really hope to get my act together soon. My fear of being left behind is through the roof and have been that for a few days, but I'm trying my best not to let it affect anyone, because it really doesn't have anything to do with anyone. It's just my head fucking up.
It's kind of like some sort of thing is unsettled within me and my body can't really find any peace, it's kind of a panicky feel, yet not enough to call it panic. I guess it's loneliness and feeling inadequate that causes it, and atleast I have an idea about what it is so I can work on it, I just don't really know how yet.


The problem with when I'm in these stages is that I desperately want to be together with people and show them that I care about them, but instead I end up distancing myself from others because I get scared that they'll leave me for someone better and hurt me that way. My views on being close with others aren't really healthy, because even though I love intimacy, closeness and trust in others, I'm really scared of it because I'm afraid I'm not good enough for them. I think it might stem from my childhood - my mum would tell me how much she loved me and the next day tell me she'd rather have me dead than in her life, and then the pattern would repeat itself. I've been told throughout both my childhood and teenage years by people close to me and people that weren't, that both the things I'd do and the way I was as a person wasn't good enough, and when after awhile it starts to sink in.
 I honestly don't believe that I'm good enough for anyone, that I'm the person they settle with in friendship/love/whatever-it-could-be until they meet someone better. It's a horrible feeling, because not only do you doubt yourself and your worth, you also doubt how others see you and it feels terrible.
I love the people close to me and I want them in my life, but it's all really scary sometimes.

one million branches and she loves every one

I've locked myself out of the apartment by accident and the only way to get in is to go through my neighbor's door (luckily, I didn't lock the front door), but he's not home at the moment. I'm not really sure what to do right now, since I'm pretty much stuck in the backyard.
Short update; still feeling great, still sleeping well, still hanging out with friends everyday and still feeling good in general. Life is a lot easier.

I've thought a lot about the way I am around others. In rougher times, it gets worse too and I handle it really badly, but even when I'm feeling good, it's still something that affects me.

I think I've mentioned it before, but I'm not good at meeting new people. I haven't met the majority of Jonas' friends, I rarely attend parties unless they're small and I know the majority of those who are attending - on really bad days, I can't even manage grocery shopping because I'm afraid of talking to the cashier and I end up skipping it. I rarely make phonecalls to people I'm not familiar with (the bank, the doctor, whatever it might be), because something about it makes me scared. 
I'm afraid of making an ass of myself, and I'm afraid that I seem hostile and stupid. At other times, I simply avoid meeting people because I'm embarassed about my awkwardness around strangers and it's easier to just not meet them at all so I don't have to think about it.
Among friends, it takes a while for me to open up completely. I'd go as far as saying that Emilia is the only one I can confide in 100% without fearing I'll get left behind. I trust my friends and love them dearly, but I can't really get myself to open up completely - it's only the surface of the deeper issues that I can get myself to talk about. I'm not completely sure why I can't get myself to do it, because a lot of them has told me to just open up and that they'll be there if needed, but I find it much more difficult than my head can wrap around.

The thing is, I actually really want to open up and I want to be "normal" when it comes to meeting strangers. When one of my friends call their doctor or someone from their school/jobs who they don't know, I'm amazed that they can, because it seems so easy for them to do and I don't understand why I feel scared when it's so natural to do.
 Once someone becomes a friend of mine, I'm very talkative and easy to be around, but it takes a good while to get there.
 I won't say this issue takes up my entire life, because it really doesn't. But yet, it's with me everyday and everyday with it I feel a bit crippled because of that, because there's a lot of things I'm avoiding everyday because of it. Simple things as acquaintances asking me something on facebook that I end up not replying to, asking a cashier for help, being invited to something social where I don't know one of the persons there, going out for a drink at a bar, 'just simple and somehow stupid things. It's not really an issue I've talked with anybody about, because I find it embarassing to explain since I can come up with the answers myself.

I try to challenge myself from time to time, and usually, nothing bad happens. But I go right back to where I started after doing it and fear it once again. It's annoying and I know it isolates me a bit, but I really want to work on this. I have to convince myself that I'm not less worthy of anything, that if they don't like me it won't matter, and that people get left behind through their lives, and that it's okay and it's not a big deal if any of these things happen.

may I bud and never flower

I'm taking a quick break from cleaning the apartment, there's not much left anyway by now. I've cleaned the dishes, cleant the whole kitchen, thrown all the Ikea boxes out and put things where they're supposed to be, so the only thing I'm missing is vacuuming my living room. It's getting really nice by now, despite the entire apartment being really small, but I actually think the decoration and the way I've put my furniture helps.
I went to Ikea yesterday and bought a desk, so I have more space for all the shit I don't know where to put now.

Around noon I went to the doctor with Emilia since she had to get some samples taken and she was quite nervous about it. She'll get the results in week, and I really hope it's nothing serious. After that we got some coffee at a café nearby and had a good rage-talk.
Jonas is coming over in a few hours, we'll probably just chill and have a relaxing time together. Our 2 years anniversary was just a few days ago. It's really weird to think that we've been together for so long, because on one hand it feels like much longer and at the same time like much less time. I'm happy about it nonetheless.

I don't really have much to write about. Life is good, I'm in a good mood most of the time and I'm enjoying it all. I'm sleeping well, waking up at 9 AM naturally, I'm social everyday and I feel like I get some sort of positive response out of every day that passes.

I've been neglecting food a bit for a while, not because of any disordered thoughts, but out of not having enough money, being too tired or because I've been out with friends so I didn't have access to making myself a meal. It's annoying, because I really want to eat more, especially because if I don't eat enough, my workouts will be pointless and harmful instead. It's just that I can always figure out something I find more important - maybe I'm a hurry to visit someone, I'm out in town, too tired to prepare a whole meal, maybe I'm cleaning - overall I just don't feel like I have time for it, at least if it's a whole meal and not just some bread or fruit. Which of course has resulted in my weight getting a bit lower once again, so I'm somewhere around 50 kg at the moment unless I've lost more (which I don't believe I have). When I got weighed last week, it was 50 at least, so I'm not really sure where I am, and it doesn't really matter. I just need to allow myself to sit down and make time for food.
So that's the only thing I'm frustrated about.

I don't think I'll write as often as I used to - as said, I don't really have much time on my hands these days. When I actually have the time to write an entry, I'm usually too tired (night time is pretty much the only time during the day where I don't have some sort of plans).