I cherish my loss, a gentle reminder

I'm generally doing well right at the moment. I'm trying my hardest to seperate my "sides", the self-destructing and the one with a positive outlook on life. Though it's a bit difficult, it has already helped a lot to look at myself/my thoughts and reflect on why I think like that, whether it's about my own self-perception or the future and what it brings. It has already brought a lot of good things with it. I'm a lot more social than before.

I've spent a lot of these days on having laughing fits and being silly. I'm feeling much more human and not like a "shell" right at the moment, and that feeling is fantastic. I'm trying to do something good for myself each day, whether it's painting, going for a walk alone or hanging out with someone. I've also started exercising and I'm enjoying every bit of it. I'm going to work out again tomorrow and I'm genuinely excited about it.

I'm up to 49,3 kg now. It's really great and I have a lot more energy and feel better physically. But my self-perception is beyond fucked. Sunday when I was together with Jonas, he sat near the corner of the couch and asked me to curl up besides him. I asked him to move over so I could wiggle into the corner of the couch, but he just gave me a weird look and didn't move. When I sat down, I realised that there was about 20 cm of space surrounding me and I was kind of freaking out in my head because I genuinely thought that I wouldn't fit in there. I have to work on it, but I don't really know how.

Right now I'm really looking forward to the 28th. I'm broke but fortunately I have a few items left in my fridge and I think they'll last until then if I play my cards right. Well, I can hope they will. But I'm really looking forward to be able to grocery shopping and eating without having to worry about money.

But yes, I'm doing quite well right now. 

red light flashing on the car we're kissing in

When I climbed into bed earlier, I had a sense that I had accomplished a lot of things today. It was really wonderful and I'm somewhat content right now. I'm munching on some dark/white chocolat muesli as a late night snack, so it can't really get better than that, haha.
I went to the meeting about goals and things I have to achieve/work on in order to stay in the house. I was nervous but I think it went very well - some of the staff came to me afterwards and told me the same thing, so I'm keeping positive. We worked on some goals for the next 4 weeks and how to motivate/keep adding more pace and long term goals. It wasn't too overwhelming and I really think I can do it, I'll give my best shot! Some of the goals were to get me up in the healthy BMI range, get up somewhat early in the morning, doing a few chores throughout the day and make sure to take my meds, and when all is set, get back on hormones. There were a few other goals too, but it's all for now - I have a meeting alike this in 4 weeks where more things will be added. It would be too overwhelming if it was all at once, but I believe I'm capable of this right now.
 After the meeting I've had Emilia come over for an hour or so, completely tidyed my room so it's nice to be in again, done the laundry, grocery shopping and hanging out with Emma for a little while. Also I've been eating like crazy today, haha.

And this made me so happy and excited to hear - I have permission to start strength training! My psychiatrist even encouraged me to do it and thought it was a really good idea to start doing it now. I will only work on my muscles and gain muscle mass through that healthily. I'm starting up tomorrow and just doing some light exercises as my body has to grow more adjusted to it and I'm really excited about it all. Weight-wise, it's going in the right direction and I'm up to 47,3 kg now.

We're working on a project here in the house. We've bought a huge canvas everybody can paint on, and when it's done, we'll hang it up on one of the walls in the kitchen. So far it has only been Emma and I who have painted a bit on it, but I'm looking forward to see what the others might come up with. Emma and I did the background together, and she made the flowers/branches in the right corner while I have made the sketches/start of the woman in the left corner. It's only in the early stages right now, hopefully it'll end up awesome!

your mind is playing tricks with you, my dear

I had an appointment with my shrink today and he said something that I never really thought of before. I tend to see myself as having two parts that contradicts each other, one of them being the "sick", negative and self-destructing part and the other one being the "healthy", somewhat stable and normal. I told him how I try to defeat and ignore the part of my mind that tells me that I shouldn't gain more because "I look like I'm at a normal weight" and I should get back to 42 kg again, because I know that it's my brain playing tricks with me.
We talked about the preparations of a meeting I have next week about my living situation and that I might be positive about it during the meeting and think it'll work out, but that I eventually might feel like it doesn't matter and I should just move out because I'm not capable of getting better. He then used the words I had used earlier during the appointment, "it's my brain playing tricks with me". That it's not actually anything I think, but just my brain being a fucking bastard.
He is right. When I have those times where I can't get out of bed just to get a glass of water because I think everything is impossible and pointless, they aren't pointless at all. It's my mind - the fucked up part of it - that are trying to convince me that the things are futile and that I'm not worth anything. But it's not my "own" thoughts so to say, it's just the bad part of me that tries to fool me, which sadly it often manages to do pretty well.
Next time I have those days, I'd try to look at it differently. If I can't get out of bed because the self-destructing part tells me that it's meaningless to grocery shopping/take a shower/call someone/etc, I'll try to look at it as if it was the eating disorder that tries to convince me to get lower - that it's all just tricks being played by that part of me. That it's not actually me that thinks that, but "another person". That I have a future, that I'm not a failure and whatnot it would try to tell me.
I know this might seem pretty basic for many who have been/is in the same situation regarding depression, but I've never thought about it like that. That it's actually not me, it's the illness talking. I guess I'm slow or something, but I never really thought of it like that and I feel like something very important has just been revealed. I'm not the self-destructing part.

she said one day to leave her, sand up to her shoulders waiting for the tide, to drag her to the ocean, to another sea's shore

My hair has gotten long enough to style again. It's actually quite impressive how fast it has grown when thinking about how it was only 18 mm exactly two months ago.
Life is still a mess and there's only been things added to it lately, though I'm not really feeling like going into details with that. I'm trying to keep myself over the surface as good as I can.

Friday I went out with Emilia. We spent most of the night at Cosy with shots and vodka to keep us companied. Despite being out until 7 AM, none of us never really got drunk, only mildly intoxicated. It was fun nonetheless.

Gaining weight is a struggle. Both mentally but also in getting the number on the scale up. I'm weighed twice a week and 5 days ago I weighed almost 47 kg, but I've somehow managed to lose half a kg since then. I'd really like to just get the weight gain over with and if I could snap my fingers and be 57 kg in a second, I would honestly just do it. It scary to see the number going up but at the same time it also makes me really sad if it has dropped because that means I'm not nourishing my body well enough. Mentally it's really tough for me to eat right at the moment because I'm stressed about a shitload of things and not eating is somehow a coping method. A part of me keeps telling me to get back to 42 again, but I know it won't solve anything and only brings more shit into this whole situation. That weight, despite how fucked up I think it is, somehow seems comforting and safe (though the reality of it is the exact opposite of everything and all).

I've started on a meds to even out my anxiety. I hope it works, though I feel like it's a setback for me to be on medicine again - I haven't been that for 2 years. It works as an antidepressant, anxiolytic and a mild sleeping pill combined which I guess is quite good, since those are three things I'm battling with most of the time. 

Living situation is still unsettled and chaotic. I've talked a bit with them about moving out voluntarily, but nothing is set yet and I'm still not sure if that's the decision I'll end up with. So no news on that matter.

soulmates never die

My life is chaotic right now.

I'm close to being kicked out of my residency. I was told briefly about during the end of last week and yesterday I had a bit more in-dept conversation with my psychiatrist and contact person about it. I knew I was at risk which already worried me then, but it turns out I'm closer than I thought. I have a meeting in two weeks which will be more serious and only about that subject with my psychiatrist, contact person, the owner of the residency, caseworker, and my therapist. Needless to say I'm frightened.
The reason to it is because it costs the state 50.000 DKK each month for every single resident and if you don't progress enough while living here, it's not considered a good investment and they'd rather use the money to pay for another person who shows more progress. I understand their point of view, I know it's a shitload of money they spend on me having an adress here and I see where they come from when they think it's a waste of money + space if they think I don't try hard enough. I already know that I haven't progressed much at all for a year now so it's not a big shocker to me in that sense.
My psychiatrist told me it's "the final call", so either I have to get better when it comes to a handful of my problematics that I've tried solving for years, or else I'm being kicked out. I'm given a short time frame to fix my problems all at once.
I don't deal well with pressure nor being stressed and it's during those times I tend to fall deeper. I'm scared of it all and I honestly don't think I will be able to live up to those things. If it were just a few things and a longer time frame, I would might be able to make it. But it's all of my problematics at once and a very short period of time I'll have to change everything in order to stay here.

There's a lot of thoughts in my head and I'm uncertain about what I'm going to do right now. I can try to do my best and see if it works and they'd let me stay here, but I honestly don't believe it's reachable goals because of the time span. If I do get to work out some of my problematics but not enough for them to let me stay here, I might feel even worse about it. I'm not good at handling "you tried your best but it's not good enough"-situations.. (all that was worded really poorly, but I'm not sure how to express it)
"quit while you're ahead". If I put all my work into it and they'd still reject me in the end, it could harm my mentality (know from past experiences). I'm thinking about moving voluntarily, the problem is that I have nowhere to go as it looks right now. I'm thinking about discussing it with my contact person it tomorrow, to know what the consequences could be. To be honest, I'd rather have it like that. Move out by own choice than being told to leave. And again, I really don't believe the goals are reachable at all. Many might say "it's worth trying", but I just know that it could wind up hurting me pretty badly.

The reason why the thought of being told to move is hurtful is because I always feel insufficient and like I can't live up to what people expect of me. This pretty much confirms it.
I can't even live normally enough to be accepted at a house for people who already have problems to begin with.