Body issues, health and motivation.

So as I've written, I've planned an entry about my eating issues and this is the entry that'll be about that subject.
I actually feel genuinely motivated right now. I know it's going to be tough, not only mentally but also physically since my stomach has shrunken a lot and I can't eat normal-sized portions without being painfully full. But I'm really motivated to get better and I hope to keep that motivation though I know it won't be easy and there will be days where I can't get anything down. I have the support of my loved ones and I'm grateful, because I won't be able to do this alone.
I've maintained my weight for a week and it haven't been easy, but I'm happy about it. My BMI is 15.6 right now, I had some blood tests done which all were normal and I'm awaiting the results from an EKG which I'm quite nervous about. I keep having chest pains that come and go throughout the day along with suddenly having a very high pulse that I can feel beating in my whole body while at rest. So I'm a bit nervous about that, but I hope for the best.

I've started to realize how fucked up this is. Not just "my logic, sane side", but all of me. I'm going to use the over-used cliché of all times, but it has been all about the control. Days where I felt at ease, I would eat more and not think as much about it. If something happened that stressed me, I would not let much get down. It's stupid, because by doing that I lost control over much more relevant things (like getting up and going to school last year, writing applications and health). But with being focused on getting smaller, it meant that I didn't have to think as much about the things happening around me. It has also been about not wanting to have a female body and somewhere in my head it meant that I had to be smaller because then the curves wouldn't be as noticeable. And looking back at photos from a year ago, it's not because I looked much more feminine bodywise than I do now.
I have a few things I look forward to when it comes to getting better. I look forward to not being sick all the time, I look forward to not being tired and cold and I look forward to being able to sit on hard surfaces with my back against walls without hurting. Most of all I'm looking forward to gain health and muscles through training. It's not possible to right now, but when I'm up around the 50 kg I think it's okay for me to start weight lifting and gain the last 4-7 kg through that. 

I'm trying not to think of it as "gaining weight", but "gaining health" instead. That is really my goal. Not just physical health but mental health aswell. Get going in life. There's really no way that losing more or staying at this weight will do my head nor my body any good at all. It's scary to change patterns and it freaks me out, but it's what I have to do in order to get better and I'm really trying. It's terrifying, but I'll really try.
This entry has been quite positive in its own way, but I know it won't be like that everyday and my mind might change, so I really just need support from those around me to help me keeping on track when those days occur. I will probably also write quite often about my thoughts on everything about it here (whether positive or negative) because I probably need to vent things.
But right now (all day and yesterday, too) I'm really motivated and I hope to keep that going.