So this is just a random mind-scribble. Overall, I'm doing okay and I'm making some serious progress on the psychological side of everything, which of course results in thinking a lot these days.
Last week I had the hardest conversation I've ever had with my psychologist (or any other professional for that matter), and though I'm still a bit affected by it, I'm really glad about it all. Because it hurt so much I know this is one, if not the biggest, is a great factor and underlying "reason" to my unstable mental health. It's really something I usually try to surpress and not talk much about because it's a painful subject for me, so I've never really gone into details with others about it. It hurt a lot and I spent the two days after the appointment with someone around me all the time in fear of falling down into a black hole.
We talked about my childhood and the emotional neglect I experienced up until I was 16 years old. The conversation was mainly about my mum's husband and the things he did. If I talk about it, I usually keep it on a more simple level, but this time it went deeper than that.
Basically, the reason why I feel isolated from everyone around me was because isolating myself from others was a "survival instict" in my childhood. If I blocked out others, it meant I wouldn't get close to anyone and that way I wouldn't get hurt. I have trust issues and hardly ever let anyone come close to me because during my childhood, most people I had close to me weren't really there - it was almost always a mix of emotional neglect and verbal abuse, traumatic experiences and on top of that, bullying from my peers. Looking back at it all, it's not really a wonder that I started to draw myself away from others, because every time someone was close to me, something bad usually followed.
I haven't gotten out of this "survival instinct", but I've made progress - I have a few who's quite close to me, and I have Emilia who's probably one of the persons who has gotten deepest into my core.
The feeling of being isolated is somewhat self-inflicted and somewhat inflicted by others (in the past, not the current) aswell as my low sense of selfworth due to things that happened in the past. The million dollar question is how I'm going to turn this around though, but it's something my psychologist and I will try to figure out.
It doesn't seem like much progress, but really, just the fact that we talked about these things that happened in the past in more than a simple manner is really a breakthrough for me.
The thing that I'm most unpleasant about is the flashbacks I've had these days. Wednesday night was spent on crying in Jonas arms for an hour because what felt like 60 flashbacks came all at once, some of them were things I had forgotten all about and I relived all the emotions that I went through from the different flashbacks, so needless to say it got too intense for me and I got scared. The weird thing is though, I've had a lot of flashbacks these days that only lasted for a few seconds and they were things I had forgotten all about, but right after it was over and the emotions were shaken off, I had forgotten all about what the flashback was about again. It's a really weird feeling, because I'm 120% certain that it all happened and was very real, yet I can't remember what is was, even just seconds after the flashback of it occured. It's a weird and really unpleasant feeling I'm left with, and on one side I want to know what those flashbacks are about, and on the other hand I really don't want to know.
I'm kind of trying to soothe "little Damien" from the past these days and telling myself that I'm worth more than I think, it's just a bit difficult. I'm also trying to get myself to open up around others by taking babysteps in that direction so I won't scare myself out. But things are looking brighter once again. I'm happy I had that conversation with my psychologist, even though it hurt a lot. I can kind of equal it to getting a massage, the knots where it hurts the most to be massaged is usually the those that brings most relief afterwards.
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