I've been in a bad mood most of the weekend and I really hope to get my act together soon. My fear of being left behind is through the roof and have been that for a few days, but I'm trying my best not to let it affect anyone, because it really doesn't have anything to do with anyone. It's just my head fucking up.
It's kind of like some sort of thing is unsettled within me and my body can't really find any peace, it's kind of a panicky feel, yet not enough to call it panic. I guess it's loneliness and feeling inadequate that causes it, and atleast I have an idea about what it is so I can work on it, I just don't really know how yet.
The problem with when I'm in these stages is that I desperately want to be together with people and show them that I care about them, but instead I end up distancing myself from others because I get scared that they'll leave me for someone better and hurt me that way. My views on being close with others aren't really healthy, because even though I love intimacy, closeness and trust in others, I'm really scared of it because I'm afraid I'm not good enough for them. I think it might stem from my childhood - my mum would tell me how much she loved me and the next day tell me she'd rather have me dead than in her life, and then the pattern would repeat itself. I've been told throughout both my childhood and teenage years by people close to me and people that weren't, that both the things I'd do and the way I was as a person wasn't good enough, and when after awhile it starts to sink in.
I honestly don't believe that I'm good enough for anyone, that I'm the person they settle with in friendship/love/whatever-it-could-be until they meet someone better. It's a horrible feeling, because not only do you doubt yourself and your worth, you also doubt how others see you and it feels terrible.
I love the people close to me and I want them in my life, but it's all really scary sometimes.
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