I've locked myself out of the apartment by accident and the only way to get in is to go through my neighbor's door (luckily, I didn't lock the front door), but he's not home at the moment. I'm not really sure what to do right now, since I'm pretty much stuck in the backyard.
Short update; still feeling great, still sleeping well, still hanging out with friends everyday and still feeling good in general. Life is a lot easier.
I've thought a lot about the way I am around others. In rougher times, it gets worse too and I handle it really badly, but even when I'm feeling good, it's still something that affects me.
I think I've mentioned it before, but I'm not good at meeting new people. I haven't met the majority of Jonas' friends, I rarely attend parties unless they're small and I know the majority of those who are attending - on really bad days, I can't even manage grocery shopping because I'm afraid of talking to the cashier and I end up skipping it. I rarely make phonecalls to people I'm not familiar with (the bank, the doctor, whatever it might be), because something about it makes me scared.
I'm afraid of making an ass of myself, and I'm afraid that I seem hostile and stupid. At other times, I simply avoid meeting people because I'm embarassed about my awkwardness around strangers and it's easier to just not meet them at all so I don't have to think about it.
Among friends, it takes a while for me to open up completely. I'd go as far as saying that Emilia is the only one I can confide in 100% without fearing I'll get left behind. I trust my friends and love them dearly, but I can't really get myself to open up completely - it's only the surface of the deeper issues that I can get myself to talk about. I'm not completely sure why I can't get myself to do it, because a lot of them has told me to just open up and that they'll be there if needed, but I find it much more difficult than my head can wrap around.
The thing is, I actually really want to open up and I want to be "normal" when it comes to meeting strangers. When one of my friends call their doctor or someone from their school/jobs who they don't know, I'm amazed that they can, because it seems so easy for them to do and I don't understand why I feel scared when it's so natural to do.
Once someone becomes a friend of mine, I'm very talkative and easy to be around, but it takes a good while to get there.
I won't say this issue takes up my entire life, because it really doesn't. But yet, it's with me everyday and everyday with it I feel a bit crippled because of that, because there's a lot of things I'm avoiding everyday because of it. Simple things as acquaintances asking me something on facebook that I end up not replying to, asking a cashier for help, being invited to something social where I don't know one of the persons there, going out for a drink at a bar, 'just simple and somehow stupid things. It's not really an issue I've talked with anybody about, because I find it embarassing to explain since I can come up with the answers myself.
I try to challenge myself from time to time, and usually, nothing bad happens. But I go right back to where I started after doing it and fear it once again. It's annoying and I know it isolates me a bit, but I really want to work on this. I have to convince myself that I'm not less worthy of anything, that if they don't like me it won't matter, and that people get left behind through their lives, and that it's okay and it's not a big deal if any of these things happen.
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