I'm generally doing well right at the moment. I'm trying my hardest to seperate my "sides", the self-destructing and the one with a positive outlook on life. Though it's a bit difficult, it has already helped a lot to look at myself/my thoughts and reflect on why I think like that, whether it's about my own self-perception or the future and what it brings. It has already brought a lot of good things with it. I'm a lot more social than before.
I've spent a lot of these days on having laughing fits and being silly. I'm feeling much more human and not like a "shell" right at the moment, and that feeling is fantastic. I'm trying to do something good for myself each day, whether it's painting, going for a walk alone or hanging out with someone. I've also started exercising and I'm enjoying every bit of it. I'm going to work out again tomorrow and I'm genuinely excited about it.
I'm up to 49,3 kg now. It's really great and I have a lot more energy and feel better physically. But my self-perception is beyond fucked. Sunday when I was together with Jonas, he sat near the corner of the couch and asked me to curl up besides him. I asked him to move over so I could wiggle into the corner of the couch, but he just gave me a weird look and didn't move. When I sat down, I realised that there was about 20 cm of space surrounding me and I was kind of freaking out in my head because I genuinely thought that I wouldn't fit in there. I have to work on it, but I don't really know how.
Right now I'm really looking forward to the 28th. I'm broke but fortunately I have a few items left in my fridge and I think they'll last until then if I play my cards right. Well, I can hope they will. But I'm really looking forward to be able to grocery shopping and eating without having to worry about money.
But yes, I'm doing quite well right now.
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