at the top of my lungs

Alfred the cat from my first-ever camping trip last summer. I know I've posted this picture before, but I just found it while looking through some of my files. I want a cat.

I haven't really done anything particular the last few days. Monday was spent with Jonas at the ward he's permitted to and good times with him, and today I've hung out with Emilia and eaten sushi with her. Besides that, all I have done is crashing at my mum's place all week, eating, sleeping and watching tv. And eating and sleeping some more. Really not that interesting, haha.

Most of my focus is currently still on food, but in the complete opposite direction. I'm trying my hardest to eat enough and I don't know if my head is playing games with me, but it looks like it has paid off a bit. I haven't weighed myself all week, so I have no idea if it's correct or not. I'm hoping for a few kgs at least - I hope it's up to at least 46 which might be quite realistic. But again, I have no idea if it's just my head that's messing with me.
It's a bit scary though and I've had some moments where I was terrified, but I try my best to look at it with a positive mind. I've eaten a food I've feared two days in a row now, so I'm happy about that! Soon it'll be pasta I'll dig into (with a positive state of mind, because pasta is fucking amazing and I miss it so much.)
My body is starting to get a bit more adjusted to it by now and I don't feel a lot of pain now after I've eaten. One thing I find really great about it all is the fact that the chest pains are only there a few times during the day now and only for a short time before it stops again. Definitely happy about that because that shit was scary.
I'm really just trying to keep a positive mind about it all.

I'm having a lot of anxiety attacks these days though. My mum's place is usually "my safe place", but I've had those attacks while being there this week. It was also one of the reasons why I've been there all week, because I was scared of being alone in this house at night time, but apparently it doesn't really help being at my mum's instead now. I'm not really sure what to do about it... Though I'm not keen on the thought of it, I've considered asking my psychiatrist about prescribing me some sort of tranquilizer because the anxiety is starting to really interfere with my life. I really don't want to start taking pills again, but it's getting to a point where I can't handle the anxiety anymore and it has only been increasing. I can handle a few anxiety attacks each month, but it they have been there almost everyday since mid-December now.

I don't really have plans tomorrow. If I manage to pull myself together, then I'll do a good-ol'-cleaning in my room since it has been so neglected for a long time. I have bought some bed sheets with wolves that I am looking forward to using (yes, I am excited about these sheets. I'm getting old.) Saturday will be spent with Jonas.