I've been great in general since the last time I wrote here. The weather has been awesome -it even got up to 32 degrees at some point, and sunny pretty much all days except yesterday. I've had a great time with the people I care about and I've went for a lot of long walks (walked for six hours straight one night, another night 14 km in total).
I've gone camping with my parents-in-law and Jonas, and I'm actually going again tomorrow. We've pretty much just went for some walks with the neighbors' dogs and chilled in the sun most of the time. I've had a really great time with him, when I got home it felt weird that he wasn't around anymore.
AND - two things I've accomplished and causes a lot of excitement for me... First; I've officially quit smoking for good! It's been 11 days since my last cigarette, and I'm extremely proud of myself. The second day was the worst, but I've managed it quite good the rest of the time. I'm just really happy that I don't feel the need to smoke anymore and that I've finally done it.
Second (though it's not really something I've been able to control at all) - but I've grown. I'v fucking grown. I'm 20 years old and it's a bit odd. But I'm 170 cm by now and I'm more than stoked! It's a really big deal for me and I'm overall just happy about it.
But the great mood and awesome days aren't the reason why I'm writing right now, I actually need to vent a bit.
I'm not fearing a relapse at all, the eating disordered thoughts have just been a lot more loud than they've been in a long time. I really don't know why it suddenly came back so loud, I was in Netto with some friends and was asked if I wanted something to munch on, and out of the blue, the eating disorder pretty much "yells" that I am extremely greedy and a horrible person for wanting something to munch on, and would be even worse if I actually said yes to them. I know it's illogical and that wanting a chocolate bar is by no means greedy at all, but I was just shocked at how "loud" the thoughts were and turned the offer down because I got scared. I have disordered thoughts everyday and I've accepted that, and I've really gotten good at ignoring/coping/accepting them, so it really surprised me that they were so "loud", they haven't been that loud in several months.
Pretty much been going downhill in refraining from disordered behaviours (not that I've acted on all behaviours/impulses/thoughts, far from it) since that night and my shrink is on vacation and I don't really know where to go to. I've also found out that most things related to that subject slightly triggers me at that moment - knowing that I don't have any money makes the disorder see it as a sign for me to stop eating, change in plans in regards to eating out and freaking out because it didn't go as I thought it would, eating at my sister while she's dieting and eating low-calorie/small portions because of that, things like that. It's small an weird things and there's probably some underlying reason to why the disordered thoughts are "loud" these days, I just need to figure it out.
I promised myself a while ago that I wouldn't weigh myself anymore, that numbers aren't important, yet in a moment of weakness I did it and I feel like shit because I caved in. I guess I can see it as a thing to learn from, but it doesn't change the fact that numbers have been stuck in my head all day and I'm unsure of how to distract myself from them right at the moment. I'm trying to refrain from doing any disordered behaviours, and I would say that I've only done maybe 30% of what thhe disorder has wanted from me, so that's good. Hopefully it'll be better in the next few days, I'm really trying to get my grip together and work through it. I know there's ups and down in every mental illness, I just wasn't prepared this time.
I'll also just add in that I'm staying positive and try to work this out as fast as possible. I just needed to vent, now that my shrink isn't around. Hopefully it's over soon.
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