you're crouched on all fours counting tile, losing bile and sleep

I've cancelled all of my plans for today because I can feel that I just need a day to be myself and relax. I've been crazy social for the last week and a half, more social than I've been in a really long time. It has all been really fun and I enjoy having enough peace in my head to be around others, but today I can feel that I need to do some positive things alone and for myself only.
The 28th I stumbled into Emma on the stairs and she asked me if I wanted to go outside and throw eggs. She has had a lot of stressful things on her mind and felt like getting her frustrations out, and since eggs break easily and doesn't make a lot of noise but still has a satisfying way of cracking, it was a perfect choice.
Mikkel randomly called her when we were out, and when she told him what we were doing, he asked us if he could join in an throw some eggs, too. Then Stefan asked us too, and all of the sudden we were 4 frustrated young adults on a quest to find a shop where we could buy 80 eggs at night. Obviously it wasn't possible, so Mikkel came up with the idea that we should buy some wine and sit in a nearby park and "være nederen" together. It ended up being really fun though we also had some difficult talks.

Drunk kids.

The night after that, I went out with Emma. We went to Cosy, got some drinks and ended up talking with strangers (which is normally very unlike me, I'm really uncomfortable talking to people I don't know. I blame the alcohol).
I've also been on some "dates" with Jonas and ate out with him which has been really nice. I've walked some long walks with Emma and Frederikke, and other than that it has just been some random hang-out sessions with different people. I haven't really had any time for myself, maybe 2 hours a day where I was alone. It has all been really nice.

I've thought about doing a project where I paint a self portrait with a few months apart so I can look back and see how my mind changes. I'm currently in a spot where I feel like everything's blurred and uncertain because I'm trying to change my way of thinking. I think it might be interesting to paint what I feel without painting myself in figure, and then see how it has changed next time I paint again.

My weight has pretty much stayed the same since the last time I wrote here. I'm 49,5 kg at the moment and it seems like no matter what I do the number won't go up. My thoughts about it all changes a lot, but currently I'm coping very well and don't think that much and often about it all. The thing that annoys me the most is my self-perception. Every time I'm about to be weighed, I'm sure I've gained enough to not be underweight anymore, that I look healthy and am at the right spot, but when I step up on the scale it's still too low and haven't even changed at all and it all just confuses the shit out of me because I'm so sure that I've gained. 

As I wrote, I feel like everything's blurred and I'm unsure about a lot of things. That's also why I need this day to just be myself so I hopefully can get just a few pieces back in place. I'm ambivalent about how I feel and generally just who I am as a person now that I'm trying to change my thinking patterns, after all I've thought about things in this perspective since early my earliest teenage years. It's quite a change and because of that, I can't really grab a sense of myself and who I am. I'm not sure if I'm doing okay or not, but I guess that I'm okay at the moment. It's just a bit frustrating to feel so split about everything, but hopefully it'll pass.