Black eyed.

I'm thinking about giving rawfoodism a try for a week or two, just to see how it is and if it changes anything compared to my eating habits at the moment. My health has been kind of fucked for a while, I keep getting sick and my stomach keeps acting up, so I'm just going to see if it changes any of that. Maybe it will also give me some motivation to prepare more nutritional meals, so I think I'm gonna give it a go for just a little while.
I've thought about going vegan for a good while, and I think I'll try it out after Christmas. I actually don't think it'll be hard at all since I rarely eat meat/dairy products anyway.
I also hope that it might improve my mood, I've read that many of those who switch to rawfoodism tend to feel more positive and energic in comparison to their prior eating habits.

I was supposed to start up on testosterone again this week and I did use one of the satchets with testogel one of the days, but I realised that this is just not the time for me to start up again. I need to feel just a bit better before going on hormones again and I need to have more control over my daily life, because right now it doesn't really have a path or point of any ways.
It's kind of sad to realise since my dysphoria is way more overwhelming and painful than it normally is these weeks. It's always there, some days it's not that bad and it's something I can live with despite the pain, but then there are times like this where it gets out of control.

On another note, I'm scared of relapsing. I don't remember self-harming any time in 2012, but the urge to do it still comes once in a while. These days I've been thinking about it a lot. The following might be slightly triggering.
When I get the urge to self-harm, I usually see it in a sort of mental picture. I always have a specific place where I need to do it, like an exact spot on my thigh or a line across my hip. I always "see" how the wounds need to be, how deep they should be and how close to each other they should end up. Once the pictures pop up in my head, it's difficult for them to leave unless I act on them.
I'm dealing quite bad with those pictures these days and I can't really snap out of them. I haven't harmed myself for so long, so on one side I feel like it's okay for me to do it just this time, but on the other side I haven't done it for so long that it would be like self-sabotaging if I did end up doing it.

I'm not feeling good, I feel that loneliness I've mentioned before, I feel dysphoric and I feel awfully tired despite not being able to sleep.