And all you can hear is the sound of your own heart, and all you can feel is your lungs flood and the blood course.

Obviously not my photo, but I found it on another site and fell in love with it.

I had to walk out in the pouring (!!) rain while wearing a broken jacket because I needed my nicotine fix and didn't have any cigarettes. The last few days I've been feeling really cold and unable to warm up properly, so I've been tugging up under my duvet and sweaters to warm up for an hour now, and my hands are still icy. Full-blown autumn is really starting to come closer, and I'm looking forward to it. At 8 PM it's completely pitch-black outside now, and the weather is definitely colder now than just a month ago. I don't know why I'm looking forward to Autumn, I guess it's the colours and the fresh wind and all the layers of comfy clothes.

Right this moment I'm feeling demotivated and tired of things aswell as myself. I haven't had an income since February, which is many months considering that I have to pay rent, food and basic household items for myself. I've been living off the inheritance from my father's death those months, trying to get better so I could get a job or get my paperwork through to the municipality so I could get cash assistance until I can manage a job. I don't have many money left from my inheritance anymore, and I just got told that I have to try again (it's the fourth time I'm trying) with the cash assistance because things fucked up. Now I have to wait another month or two, just to see if I actually can get some sort of help with my economy, which isn't even certain that I can because my case is kind of weird.
I haven't been able to pay rent for two months now, and now October is nearing and I still can't afford it, so I have a 6000 DKK debt that I can't pay at the moment. I have a jacket which is broken and the weather is getting colder and colder, but I can't afford buying a new one because I have to use as little money as possible. And to top with the cherry on the cake, my boyfriend currently lives a place that costs me 100 DKK each time I have to take the train to go see him. Seeing him three times a week = 300 DKK (about 50 USD), and his mental state is too low for him to manage to go outside of the house, so it's me who has to go every time (his illness makes it hard for him to be alone and can eventually get worse if he's left alone even for a few hours, so it's important for me to be there as often as possible).
I hate adult life, and I hate that I can't just "snap out" of everything and get better so I could just get a job and have a normal income. Even a class that didn't care that I came hours too late or if I just wanted to sit alone and do nothing all day in that class was something I couldn't manage to wake up and go to. The past 5 classes I've had has eventually been something I've dropped out of because of my mental state. Friendships are something I've dropped out of because of this, and I just want to be able to keep up with normal, daily activities like the rest of my peers and not obsess over negative thoughts in my head. I just want a somewhat normal life. I want to be able to have a job I can manage to wake up to and actually go to and put all my efforts into without stressing myself.

My economy is a mess, my head is a mess, my body is a mess, even my room is a mess. I'm generally just tired of myself. I have no control over anything happening in my life (well, except my room). I can't even figure out the plans for tomorrow because everything changes all the time, whether it's something as small as a person having to cancel our plans for meeting up or me having a really bad day and can't get out of bed, or something as my boyfriend having a horrible day inside his head so I have to hurry up and comfort him as soon as possible so he doesn't feel alone or get worse/does something he shouldn't do. Such small things like shopping at the nearest grocery store and finding out that they don't have one of the products in stock that I had planned to buy is even starting to freak me out completely now to the point where I put all the other products back on the shelves and head home emptyhanded because just one thing on the list of things I needed wasn't there. I have no power over anything, I don't even have control over my own mind and days. To make it even better, my body is acting really strange these days which is something I can't control either, so I have to get an appointment for a doctor soon, both for current and old issues that I've postponed for a year.
 I'm tired of everything and I'm tired of how my head works. I'm tired of still not being able to understand my own head after all these years. I'm tired of having this illness to follow me everywhere I go and I'm tired of thoughts that after almost a decade still sticks around and never dares to leave me and I hate that it affects me so much that I haven't been able to run a normal life (being able to go to school everyday as the other kids and even have a job on the side) since I was 14. I hate that it hasn't changed since then.  

I won't be able to fall asleep for the next while (it's 3:45 AM), so I'm going to drink some decaf-coffee and smoke some cigarettes until I find some rest in my head. Will probably try to pick up my brushes and try painting again, too. 

Right now I feel like walking down to the beach and watch the tide for a while.