Life is really hectic right now, and it's the wrong sort of hectic. Many of the people I hold closest to me are really down, and I feel powerless because I can't do anything to help them get better. I've spent my weekend at the psychiatric emergency room with two different persons, Friday was a roommate of mine who took way too much Ritalin and ended up in a amphetamine-like haze, going from crying to laughing and back again for about 4 hours until we got to the emergency room. Sunday, I went with my boyfriend because his illness has regressed a lot and he's breaking. He went back to the psychiatric emergency room the day after that again, where my mum followed him. My mum suffers from depression and she's in a bad condition right now. She flipped at my boyfriend's mother because she doesn't seem to care enough about his son's mental health, so now they're both angry with each other. My mum has taken the next week off from work because she's had a breakdown and can't really manage to do anything because of the depression, so I've been at her apartment all day in order to help her a little with house chores and trying to cheer her up. My boyfriend is home at his family's place for the next few days so they can take care of him, and he's not feeling any better. I'm going to visit him tomorrow and try to be there for him as good as I can, but all I can do is really just to listen to him and hold him close. And that makes me feel so powerless.
I wish I was some sort of hero-like psychiatrist who could say a magic word and everyone would be smiling and have the will to continue living. I really wish that I could do something to make it all better, but once you've heard voices and once you're stuck in depression, it doesn't go away by a kiss on the cheek and warm embrace, sadly. I really just want them to be happy, but no matter what I say I won't be able to drag their illnesses out of them. I wish I could.
So yup, life is really hectic, chaotic and I don't know what to expect when I wake up in the morning. I worry a lot and I think it's reasonable to worry about these things after all.
Despite being at the psychiatric emergency room/keeping my mum company/visiting my boyfriend/trying to calm down and fall asleep, I've also done some other things.
I "shaved" my head today. I have sidecuts now, and I like how it looks so far. Now I need to cut the rest of it and dye it. (Apparently, if I cut my hair then all bad things go away magically...)
I've also stopped drink soda because I'm trying to get healthier. So now I drink a lot of water each day, either plain or with ginger in. I'm also exercising in the hopes of getting a sixpack someday. I'm currently trying to do "The 30 Day Shred" and hoping for the best. It's not all days I've been doing it though, because my days are kind of messy right now as mentioned. But yeah. Trying to develop a sixpack for the future.
Mikkel has been a great support for me these days, trying to cheer me up. A few nights ago I couldn't sleep as usual, and despite the fact that he needed to get up early in the following morning, he went for a walk with me. That walk ended up being 30 minutes long before we stopped at a bar in the midcenter of Copenhagen and had a drink each, listening to karaoke sung by drunk people. Then a 30 minutes long walk to get home again, and then we just chilled in his room with greens. I think I went back to my room at 3 or 4 AM, so I don't think he went to the studio after all... But it was nice that he tried to comfort me and take my mind off worrying.
And another note; I wrote that I wanted to start on sleeping pills in a previous entry. I've started using Baldrian, a health-med (I have no idea what the name for that is in English) and it works okay for now. Some nights it hasn't worked at all, and some nights it has really helped me falling asleep. So it's okay. Other than making you drousy, it can also be used to calm you down if you're anxious. Bonus. And there's no side effects since it's a natural form of medicin (still don't know what the word is for that)... Double bonus.
Won't really write anything about my own mental state, because I don't have enough time to focus on my own issues these days. Somehow I'm okay with that.
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