A post about sleep.

I found a notebook I've had hidden in my drawer for a while, and thought I'd just read the few pages I had filled out. This was written about 3 or 4 months ago I assume. I remember I was sitting outside my house at 5 or 6 AM with cigarettes and completely drained due to insomnia when I wrote this. If I remember correctly, I hadn't slept for 28-ish hours. I was really scatter-brained, exhausted, frustated and generally not feeling good at all.
I remember that I wrote it in past tense, because I hoped that I would find the note again when I was feeling better, so I could remember and think "I'm so happy I don't feel like this anymore", and partially because it felt painful to write it in present and having to deal with that I felt like that. All I wanted was to sleep.

I found it funny how things could change. How the nights had become my daytime, how all I ever appreciated and loved had transformed into nonsense and seemed pointless. What once was my dreams were now my nightmares. I would cry over small matters and sit emotionless while facing the scariest events. Living was no longer a goal of mine. It was a frightening thought, the thought of being out there and living life. I was no longer on my own side, I became my own worst enemy. My executor, my bully, my rapist. No one could reach me. They wouldn't be able to point out any bad things without me thinking it already. My inability to sleep completely drove me off the edge slowly, and the same for my inability to be completely awake. My mind stuffed with thoughts made me empty at the same time. I knew what was wrong while having no clue at all. Love and care would suddenly sting and I would avoid it, and in the meantime I did everything I could to hurt myself.

Both my mum and I can't function properly if we don't get any sleep. I guess most humans are like that. If I don't sleep/get enough sleep (even if it's just for one night), it gets easy for me to relapse or get worse, and then the insomnia starts and the depression kicks more violently, and that leads to a more empowering insomnia and that leads to more carelessness about living, and it becomes this endless cycle.
The cycle is incredibly hard to end, because if you first have insomnia, you can't just go to sleep when you're tired. Even when you feel like you're about to pass out from it, you still can't sleep. The same goes for depression, and they're two elements that fuels each other.
My sleeping habits aren't really that normal because of the time frame, but they work for me right now. I fall asleep somewhere between 3 AM and 7 AM right at the moment, usually waking up at 2 PM latest. I get 8 hours of sleep most days now, which is great and can keep me energized for the day. I just have to get my sleeping schedules to stay within the 11 PM to 9 AM-range, but it's a really hard task to do for me. But at least I get enough sleep everyday!
When I wrote that thing in my notebook, I mostly stayed awake for 27 to 32-ish hours straight and slept for just a few - about 4 hours, I think. All I could really think about was my need to sleep and self-destructing thoughts.
So the note actually paid off in the end, because it reminds me how important it is for me to sleep and not think "what the hell, I can just pull an allnighter tonight". Because honestly, it's not good for me, even if it's just for one night.