I think I used to be someone, now I just stare into the sun.

 

I feel like socializing. Too bad it's midnight and not an appropiate time of the day to contact someone. The last six months, I've hardly been social, it has only been the persons who knows me the best whom I've let in. I've rarely spent quality time with old friends, went out or catched up on something with someone these months, and I feel like it's about time that I do that soon. I've missed it alot, but I just didn't have the surplus to see anyone. I think it's about time that I do that now. 

I've seen Jonas and Emilia close to everday, but they're also the persons I rely and feel most connected to, for obvious reasons. Right now, I feel like I want to take friendships up again and be active with others, because I miss a lot of my other friends and people I want to get to know better, too. I guess it's a really good sign of my mental state. 

I still have days where I can't manage much, but (I think) they're spreading out more evenly. I've also noticed that I don't think much about suicide lately, which is really awesome. I can go for many days without giving it a thought, so it's really great! I guess it's because I'm trying to push those thoughts away from myself by focusing on other things and those around me, yet still trying to keep in touch with myself and knowing when I need to withdraw myself from activities and be alone. I'm close to finding the balance in it right now, I think. 

I don't really have many emotions when I'm alone these days, and though being emotionless can be a really bad thing, right now it feels freeing for me because it's like a break from everything. 

I just hope that I won't fall back, or that it at least takes a longer time for me to fall back this time. That's one thing that isn't good about getting better, because whenever I feel like it goes in the right direction, I'm fearing the day it'll start to fall down again. I know thinking negative thoughts about it won't help anything, but it's because I've gotten used to knowing that I will eventually get down again. I've tried this many times, after all. So I'm aiming more at just getting longer times between each downfall in the long run. Depression runs in my family, so I'll try to live with the thought of it being "a part of me".

A thing that annoys me though... My sleep schedule is still fucked. Falling asleep at between 4-7 AM, and I'd really like to change it. It's like when I finally have a day where I fall asleep at 11 PM and wake up early, it goes back to 4-7 AM again the following day. 

Rounding up, I think I'm just fine and very neutral, so it's all good. My back is aching from yesterdays workout, so I'm just chilling in bed with some Placebo and cigarettes (yes, I still haven't stopped smoking... I'm a bad person, haha), and trying to find out if I should try to write a little about that character of mine, paint, exercise or tidy my room.