And you're pushing me, you're fucking pushing me.

Today was fun. As mentioned, Emilia and I planned to prepare an awesome dinner and have fun - the last part happened, though. Instead of making a healthy, homecooked dinner, we went out and ate loads of crap. And I mean a lot of it. It's a few hours ago now, but I still feel nauseous (and slightly annoyed by it.)
But it indeed was fun, ended up on the streets of Frederiksberg and laughing over random matters and taking mock-photos of ourselves.

It's just really annoying, and I know it's disgusting, but my fingers kind of itches for throwing up. It's stupid, I'm far from being bulimic in any way. I've only done it a few times since the last time I mentioned it, and when I do it, it mostly has nothing to do with weight or food actually. It's more because I get this sort of relief when I'm tense, and I feel - you guessed right - lightheaded. After that, it's as if I don't have room enough for thoughts and just floats around in this kind of bubble-wrap world. And right now, I just need a break from my own world, because it kind of feels like I'm chained to the grounds.
It feels like I can loose myself in the cracks sometimes. I worry too much over unrelated matters and things that are pointless. To my own distress, it often gets bad around the time where I try to sleep. I'm thinking about just keeping myself awake for the next 15 or 16 hours, so I'd hopefully manage to get a somewhat normal sleep schedule after that. I'm off to buy coffee and cigarettes soon then. 28 hours of not sleeping? Let's make that happen again, hopefully for the last time.

My mind feels full, and I really just need to get it out and not think for just a while and stop worrying. I set my own bars too high, which just handicaps me instead of achieving anything. I'd really like to just feel satisfied with my own things and myself, and while it doesn't seem like a hard task to do, it feels like the complete opposite in reality for me. I just need my head to stop spinning and not be in there, but out there instead.
I have the urge to run away from everything (not meant as a metaphor, but litterally run away from everything) for just some days, where I'm only me and no one else, where no one can contact me at all. I just want the tranquility and not having to worry and simply be myself and clear everything. I want to be in a house in the middle of nowhere with the sound of the ocean, where I know nobody would be able to see me if I went outside. I want to just disappear from the surface of everything for just a brief amount of days, where I wouldn't have to worry about what people thinks of me and I could just be myself completely and indulge in stillness. I just want the calmness of it all, because if I can't even achieve that within myself yet, I'd at least like my surroundings to be still, just for a few days.
Unfortunately, I neither have a shed or house in the middle of nowhere and near a shore or lake, and I can't leave my life as it is right now due to pretty much everything. I just want to be abandon my everyday life and soak in quietness and calmness for a few days, really.