post-tipsy emotional rant.

There'll be some ranting in this entry, just to prepare you. I've had a lot of things on my mind recently, and I'll share a few of them.

First off; I need to tell you that I've been out drinking with a few of my roommates + former roommates, that's why I feel like it's easier to talk about now. I've had a great night with them, had a lot of fun and serious talks with them and contained a lot of good feelings this night. They all have a psychiatric diagnosis of some sort, it's the reason why we have all been living here. It's nice to have persons at the same age as you who can understand some of the situations you're in. It feels comfortable to talk to them and share a lot of things, because they don't judge and that you know they'll be there for you. Right now Mikkel, Emma and Stefan are laying outside in a tent in the backyard where I was supposed to be too, but it got too much for me all of a sudden and I needed to withdraw myself.
A few nights ago when I was feeling really down, Mikkel told me how he felt that I deserved all the confidence in the world, and that he appreciate and look up to me. I kind of shrugged it off at that moment because I can tend to be bad at handling such words from time to time, but he told me the same thing earlier this night when we were alone, and it still rings through me.
I wonder why I haven't been able to be happy for a decade or so, and why I set my own bars too high. I think everyone deserves an extra chance in life, no matter what they've done - except myself. I think everyone is beautiful in their own way, but I can't find that within myself. I think everyone has some kind of quality or talent in life they should try to develop further, except myself, and while a part of me wonders why I don't feel like I deserve anything, another part tries to convince me that I'm the worst scum on the earth.

Exactly a month ago, I wrote an entry where I mentioned a close-to-self-harming-situation, and it bothers me that the thoughts are still there. I haven't done anything though I've been close to, and I'd really just like to get it out of my system now. At the same time I know it won't solve anything. If I actually did it and told some of the persons I'm close to, they'd be worried, and if I did it and didn't tell them and they found out later on by accident, they'd be sad about the fact that I didn't tell them.
The urge overwhelms me these days, especially during nighttime. There haven't really been days where I didn't feel like doing it in weeks and it wears me out. At the same time I'm scared that if I do it, it might get easier for me to slip into again and do it more often like I did in the past.

I don't feel like I deserve to be here, and I don't feel like I want to be here at all. I don't plan suicide options right now which is good for me, but I just wish I could take it all back and that I was never born to begin with. The act of dying scares me. But I really just wish I never was here to begin with and that I never left any traces. I know I've had an impact on some of the persons in my life, but I really wonder why and how I could do it. I wish I could press some sort of delete button and erase any signs of me ever being here, because I honestly don't want to be here, never did.

I don't know if I should act on my monsters and let them take over me, because they're a lot stronger than me and it's hard for me trying to fight against them. I don't want to be here. I don't feel like I'm worthy of any attention, love and affection, no kind words or plainly just being here and being alive.
It's really hard trying to fight these monsters, and I have never contained much strength nor even luck in cards.
I'd really just like to find a reason for me to be alive that didn't involve anyone else and their feelings, however selfish that may sound. I'd really like to live for no one else but myself and my own reasons.


Nej, jeg vil ikke dø
jeg vil bare være ufødt. 
 - Michael Strunge