Keep this scene inside your head as the bruises turn to yellow

So hello to 2013! It sounds so futuristic. I was sick during New Years Eve, but apparently still stupid enough to go to a party and drink. I've now learned that being sick and alcohol is not a good mix. I was about to faint 3 times through the evening. I ate dinner at Emilia's with her and her boyfriend Matthias, and then we picked up Jonas and went to a party one of his friends threw. I had a really good night despite being sick, I think we were home at 5 AM.

I don't have a fever anymore, but I'm still not feeling the best yet. I cough constantly and I've slept 80% of the time during the last 5 days, but I'm hoping to feel good again soon. But on a positive note when it comes to being sick; I've managed to make a pack of cigarettes last for 3 or 4 days. I don't remember the last time I have smoked as little as this, haha. I hope it lasts after I've gotten over this cough so I eventually can stop completely.

So since I've written that I'd seek help with the eating-issues in the new year, I'm thinking about doing it really soon. Problem is that I'm really ambivalent about it, because I know this is not healthy but on the other hand I don't want to gain weight. I'd honestly still like to loose a little more, but I know that's not something that I should act on. If I tell someone about the issues, I know they'd want me to gain, which I understand, but it's a scary thought and I don't really want to. If I can at least just stay here I'd feel just a bit more comfortable about it but I know that's not realistic. I weigh 42,5 kg right at the moment, and in my head I don't want to get lower (as in reading a number smaller than this) but I still feel like I should loose more. But I want this to be the year where I "get a grip" (as in trying all I can to gain positive things in my life) and I don't think staying at this weight/getting lower exactly does anything good to me and my body. So I'll try to talk with someone next week.

As said, I wish for this year to be the year where I treat myself better and gain more positive things in life. I won't really call any of this "resolutions" but more like hopes for this year. I'm starting up in school on Wednesday, and I hope this will be the first time where I don't drop out of a class in my life. It only lasts a few months anyway.. I also hope that I can move out somewhere during this year (if that's a thing that'll happen, it'll probably be during the end of 2013, but I can still hope). I also hope to do more things that are good for me instead of lying around in bed all day.  
I'm turning 20 years old this year. Holy shit. I'm getting old.