My hair has gotten long enough to style again. It's actually quite impressive how fast it has grown when thinking about how it was only 18 mm exactly two months ago.
Life is still a mess and there's only been things added to it lately, though I'm not really feeling like going into details with that. I'm trying to keep myself over the surface as good as I can.
Friday I went out with Emilia. We spent most of the night at Cosy with shots and vodka to keep us companied. Despite being out until 7 AM, none of us never really got drunk, only mildly intoxicated. It was fun nonetheless.
Gaining weight is a struggle. Both mentally but also in getting the number on the scale up. I'm weighed twice a week and 5 days ago I weighed almost 47 kg, but I've somehow managed to lose half a kg since then. I'd really like to just get the weight gain over with and if I could snap my fingers and be 57 kg in a second, I would honestly just do it. It scary to see the number going up but at the same time it also makes me really sad if it has dropped because that means I'm not nourishing my body well enough. Mentally it's really tough for me to eat right at the moment because I'm stressed about a shitload of things and not eating is somehow a coping method. A part of me keeps telling me to get back to 42 again, but I know it won't solve anything and only brings more shit into this whole situation. That weight, despite how fucked up I think it is, somehow seems comforting and safe (though the reality of it is the exact opposite of everything and all).
I've started on a meds to even out my anxiety. I hope it works, though I feel like it's a setback for me to be on medicine again - I haven't been that for 2 years. It works as an antidepressant, anxiolytic and a mild sleeping pill combined which I guess is quite good, since those are three things I'm battling with most of the time.
Living situation is still unsettled and chaotic. I've talked a bit with them about moving out voluntarily, but nothing is set yet and I'm still not sure if that's the decision I'll end up with. So no news on that matter.
I know you've lost a little weight again, but I still think that you're doing a great job trying to gain weight. I know how hard it is for you at the moment but I really admire your strength. If it would help you, we should eat dinner together more often. You know it's not good for you, and that is a great start. Don't rush it too much, you will get there.
SvarSletUhm... If it's right now you need to move out, you can move in at my house but only for two weeks or so -
SvarSletBecause my mother is on a vacation so we have 2 rooms.
And and if I asked her you could probably live here for longer as well, thing is though that that toilet can be hard to get a hold of, because of my OCD.
Though sometimes, I think, even though it's for my own sake as well, sometimes it might push me forwards mentally to know that I am being responsible while others living with me as well - cause I know I can at least reduce my symptoms! I know I can.
Either ways. I don't feel it as a pressure nor a I-am-scared-of-not-doing-good-enough, when people know I have ocd, and at least understand that there is reason to why I have a hard time with certain normal things.
I tend to actually do better, when it's not a fear-full pressure, but it's just an accept that lets me understand, that I am only a human.
Then sometimes I can more easily reduce my symptoms because I feel some sort of air around.
Though I guess, too much air can also be trouble...
For instance, living alone, is sort of a hard thing for me. Still.
Anyways.
Just wanted to tell.
Goodbye! Have a nice evening. ^^