Seperate thoughts.

Most of all I just want to get that self-destructive part of myself out, and sometimes I'm afraid that I'm going to loose this battle.
 I honestly don't know why I have this part in me. I was a really fragile kid. It wasn't the bullies fault that I started hating myself, nor my parents or anyone else around me. It was me who beat myself up inside, and I was the one who started to pressure myself. 

With the opinions I have about myself, I don't need more disappointment and pressure voiced from others about me. I have a poor vision of what I'm capable of, and I keep thinking about all the things I don't do because I'm too insecure about doing them, which only makes it worse. It's kind of an uroboros. Too convinced that I'm not able to do it that I can't get myself to do it, and then hitting myself in the head over the fact that I didn't do it.

I find it sick that my first suicidal thoughts started when I was just 10 years old. A kid that age should not think about death at all. It's been 9 years now with those thoughts now on a daily basis. Out of those 9 years, I think about 6-9 months of them are the total of days where I haven't thought about it in any way. And it frightens me.

 Unlike previously, I didn't make myself throw up because of weight battles. I was just so fucking stressed out and sad about a week ago, and before I knew it, I was bending over with vomit on my hand. I'm so disgusted with myself, and also scared, because I immediately felt better when everything out. It was like I let the bad things out and they were gone for that second. They were out of me.

There's a street near me called "Rolighedsvej". It means "Tranquility Street". I want to live there.