Slackerbitch, faghag whore, looks real cute, her lips are sore.

So I thought it was about time to make an actual update here. Though I must admit that I haven't been doing anything fancy or exciting, really.
My mood has improved just a bit though! These past few days have been somewhat better than the rest in what feels like forever. Though I haven't exactly been out doing stuff, my general mood has been great with just a few slips. But generally better!

I'm sick at the moment, my throat hurts so bad and I can't hear anything. I hope it's gone by tomorrow.

And this is just a small note to myself, about things that makes me happy;

• The weather here is somewhat lovely right now.
• I'm starting in school again soon, and hopefully that'd lift me up. It's a class dedicated to people with anxiety and/or depression, and the days consists of psychoeducation, gradually making yourself ready for work, ways to deal with your issues, exercise and best of all - doing creative things like painting.
• I have a lovely guy that I'm still in love with. 
• I have people who support me.
• My brother was kind enough to transfer 1200 DKK to my bank account when I asked him if I could borrow 100 DKK because I litterally don't have enough money to eat anything. He told me to not mention it, and that he gave that as a gift. My brother's generousity is amazing. 
• And well, generally just my family. My brother, my sister and my mum are amazing people. <3
• Emilia, because she's pretty much the definition of an incredible friend in my eyes, and I feel so proud of her. 
• I have now lost 6 kg (which surprised me! I can't see any difference.)
• The light that shines through my window right now is incredibly beautiful.

And a little list of what I should do;

• Tidy my room. 
• Clean the fridge.
• Paint more regularly (instead of going for weeks without lifting a paint brush and then suddenly paint for 5-8 hours straight.)
• Get toned. Exercise. 
• Get well enough to prove them that I "deserve" the next free apartment they have. 
• Write more regularly. 
• Stop trying to beat myself up over small, superficial things and snap out of it when I feel the sadness and the thoughts roll over me. 
• See my boyfriend more (though that also depends on him, since he's crazy-social at the moment.)
• Buy some of Placebo's CD's when I have the money, because.. well, that doesn't need any reasons, does it? Haha.
• Socialize more, hang out with friends I don't see often, because I miss them. (Stupid reason, but I've felt like I wasn't worthy of their time and I was a bore anyway.)
• Lose just a few more kg. I'm thinking around 3. 
• Be happy. Live life instead of staring into the wall all day and wishing I wasn't born.
• Catch up on summer. 

I came to realize that I haven't self-harmed in... I have no idea how long ago I did it the last time, but I don't recall doing it while living in this house (I've lived here for 9 months now). I might have done it once or twice. But I don't remember it, so for now I'm just saying 9 months free.
Some nights ago, I was just about to though, but when I held the blade over my back, I backed out of it and I'm proud of that. It's not really worth the scars. And also, the guilt afterwards is worse than the act of doing it, in my opinion. But I'm just really happy that I didn't do it.

Also, be prepared for an eating disorder-themed entry in the future. Not about things I'm right now,  but about the past, because I've been thinking things over a lot these days, mostly because I feel like I need to get it out. Also because I tend to be really... annoyed, for a lack of better words, these days. At myself, but also at people around me (no, not you Pøwlsi) and generally the whole so-called pro-ana movement on the internet and how people idolizes and strives for mental illnesses in order to slim down. (I've seen people writing "I want to become anorexic, so I can be skinny". What the fuck, man!?) I can already feel my rage evolving, haha.
(on a side note - I don't really think I've been starving myself in order to lose the 6 kgs I mentioned this time, but because I've been so broke that I couldn't afford eating more than one meal if any these days. Yes, I'd like to loose just a few more, but I want to do it the healthy way. I know it's really hypocritical, haha. And also, even if I loose 3 kg more, I will still be within the healthy range on the BMI scale. I'm far from planning to get under it.)