I'm fairly good at keeping my head over water these days, with only just a few melt-downs. So generally, things are good. I don't lay staring into a wall or constantly plan suicide, which is - as you guessed - a good thing. When I get those melt-downs, I try to pull myself up again and think about the good things in life and try to snap out of it before it catches me completely. It has somehow worked very well!
I had an anxiety attack earlier this evening though, but I'm okay now and all. My boyfriend helped me through it over the phone. I rarely get anxiety attacks when I'm just at home, it's unfortunately and embarrassingly enough almost always only when I am in busses or trains. Generally public transport. Which mostly results in me having to get out of the bus/train/metro as quick as possible, and I can inform you that it can take a long time to get somewhere when I have those days where I'm prone to it. It's also kind of rare by now, but it happens just once in a while (mostly when I'm stressed).
When I was younger, a bus-ride that took about 10 minutes could end up taking over an hour and more, but it was also the time where the anxiety attacks were at the worst. I'm just glad that it only happens once in a while now.
Despite the attack, I'm okay now though. Just a little thoughtful, but in a okay mood.
Right at this moment, I feel very ambivalent towards a lot of things.
I'm trying to get out in the real world again, but at the same time it feels like I'm not ready for it when I'm out doing something with others. As you can guess, it's kind of annoying when you actually want to go out and be social.
It'll sound weird, but I'm full of a lot of emotions and thoughts right now, but I'm not really able to express them really. I'm thinking about my future, self-esteem or the lack of it, the past, friendships, things that bothers me, and a lot of scattered thoughts among them all. I contain a lot of feelings in smaller doses, love and care, worry, pain, hopefulness and hopelessness, pride and shame, delight, appreciation, agony, longing and wonder. It's weird, because I'm usually feeling either - let's say hopeful or hopeless as an example - but not at the same time. So I feel weird and confused about it. I guess it has something to do with each and every thought that contain one feeling, and the other thoughts another.
I wonder about the future, I long for my boyfriend's kisses, I worry for my good friend's mental health, feel hopeless about my own self-esteem or more like the things I want to do but I feel like I'm not good enough at, I feel hopeful when I think about how "far" I've come, mental pain, delightful that my lovehandles feels smaller, extremely shameful about my body, love for the people around me, and agony that I can't explain why. But at the same time I'm okay and just fine.
I can't really put it into words.
My self-esteem is really, really low at the moment. I feel like I'm not good enough at anything I do - even such simple things as talking with people around me. I wish I believed it when people tell me something I've done is good - and with that sentence, I mean every possible thing I can do. If it's painting, writing, comforting someone, making a joke, sex, my appearance, generosity, kindness, EVERYTHING possible really - even if someone tells me I'm good at something, I honestly don't believe it. Acquaintances and beloved ones - I still don't believe them, because my mind keeps telling me that they only say that to make me feel better about myself. I'd really like to believe them.
I have to learn myself to be happier with myself. Right now, I only feel good about one thing about myself which isn't really a good thing, and that things isn't good for me in the long run.
I just don't really know where to start. I'm tired of feeling like an in vain, purposeless monstrosity that's can't succeed at anything. Obviously it hasn't helped when others have told me I was good at something, because I can't get myself to actually believe it. It has to come from myself, but I'm not sure how. I'm just tired of feeling like this.
I guess the thing that keeps me from drowning is the fact that I try to keep me away from myself by talking with others. So I don't get a moment to think, so I don't fall down into worse thoughts.
I feel so ashamed of myself.
Just nineteen
and dream obscene
with six months off for bad behaviour
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