I run as fast as I can run, but Jack comes tumbling after.

I'm getting old. It's my birthday today, actually. So now, I'm 19 years old. It's only been that for about 5 hours, though, haha.
 My good friend Emilia and I went out at 10 PM, so we could celebrate it at the exact time the hands passed the 12 PM. It was really nice to get out for a bit, and I think we had a pretty good time. My fiancé met up with us at the bar we were at and were there for a little while with us before he went home. We wanted to move things to another bar, but couldn't come up with anything, so we just went to her apartment and did litterally nothing at all, haha. When I was heading home, I was unfortunate enough to miss the bus home. Waiting for an hour didn't really seem like anything I wanted to do at all, so I decided to walk home because then I was at least doing something. 4 km later, and here I am, and unable to sleep, haha. But it was actually nice walking home, I haven't walked that road in ages, and while being sober and with no music in my ears + a dead cellphone battery, it's been even longer.
 Today, I will be celebrating my birthday with the family, so I'm at my mum's place right now. My mum took my boyfriend in because he had no place to go (kind of a long story), so he has a room here until he can move into the new apartment. I'm looking forward to be together with everyone tomorrow. Don't really have any big, exciting plans for today, other than my siblings are coming over. :]

I'm not feeling that fantastic at the moment, unfortunately it's been a while since I did that.
 I keep feeling this hopelessness and general lack of desire to do anything anymore. It's hard to get motivated to do things, even simple things like getting out of bed to get a glass of water can take two hours. I can't sleep even though I'm tired all day, and I've been awake for more than what's within the healthy range for too long. It's been too often I've been awake for 27 hours straight lately. Once when I'm awake, it's difficult to sleep again. I just really need sleep, but it's like I can't find the tranquility to do so, even though I'm tired.
 There's nothing I really burn for right now. And when I've fallen asleep and I wake up again, I wake up with this hopelessness. Have you ever experienced that feeling of "this is going to be a bad day" as the first thing when you wake up? It feels a bit like that. It's actually kind of hard to describe, haha. But it's a bit like that feeling, and I just can't find the will to do anything, even if the thing is necessary or just something I know I would enjoy. I have this ambivalent feeling. It feels like life is passing by, and that it's paused at the same time. I can't really figure it out.
 A few days ago, I realized that out of these 19 years I've lived, I've only been happy for 3 of them in total. I've always been more or less down, even during childhood. I can't really give up on the thought that maybe it's been too long for me to get completely good and happy, because I know some of the things are more or less chronic and will appear again from time to another. I just want some tranquility in my life, and I just want to know that these things won't dig up again.
  I work so hard on getting happy, and it's been working for quite some time, but it's like this "thing" keeps catching up on me when I've finally found some peace in my mind. It's like I can't escape it in the long run, there's no events I should be unhappy about right now. Nothing has happened. But this feeling keeps coming back.

And now, I will end this long rant. *headdesk* (<-- do other people even use this saying anymore? XD I haven't seen anyone else on the internet using it for so long now! Maybe I'm just old, hahahahaha)