you come across impure

I've been in a bad mood most of the weekend and I really hope to get my act together soon. My fear of being left behind is through the roof and have been that for a few days, but I'm trying my best not to let it affect anyone, because it really doesn't have anything to do with anyone. It's just my head fucking up.
It's kind of like some sort of thing is unsettled within me and my body can't really find any peace, it's kind of a panicky feel, yet not enough to call it panic. I guess it's loneliness and feeling inadequate that causes it, and atleast I have an idea about what it is so I can work on it, I just don't really know how yet.


The problem with when I'm in these stages is that I desperately want to be together with people and show them that I care about them, but instead I end up distancing myself from others because I get scared that they'll leave me for someone better and hurt me that way. My views on being close with others aren't really healthy, because even though I love intimacy, closeness and trust in others, I'm really scared of it because I'm afraid I'm not good enough for them. I think it might stem from my childhood - my mum would tell me how much she loved me and the next day tell me she'd rather have me dead than in her life, and then the pattern would repeat itself. I've been told throughout both my childhood and teenage years by people close to me and people that weren't, that both the things I'd do and the way I was as a person wasn't good enough, and when after awhile it starts to sink in.
 I honestly don't believe that I'm good enough for anyone, that I'm the person they settle with in friendship/love/whatever-it-could-be until they meet someone better. It's a horrible feeling, because not only do you doubt yourself and your worth, you also doubt how others see you and it feels terrible.
I love the people close to me and I want them in my life, but it's all really scary sometimes.

one million branches and she loves every one

I've locked myself out of the apartment by accident and the only way to get in is to go through my neighbor's door (luckily, I didn't lock the front door), but he's not home at the moment. I'm not really sure what to do right now, since I'm pretty much stuck in the backyard.
Short update; still feeling great, still sleeping well, still hanging out with friends everyday and still feeling good in general. Life is a lot easier.

I've thought a lot about the way I am around others. In rougher times, it gets worse too and I handle it really badly, but even when I'm feeling good, it's still something that affects me.

I think I've mentioned it before, but I'm not good at meeting new people. I haven't met the majority of Jonas' friends, I rarely attend parties unless they're small and I know the majority of those who are attending - on really bad days, I can't even manage grocery shopping because I'm afraid of talking to the cashier and I end up skipping it. I rarely make phonecalls to people I'm not familiar with (the bank, the doctor, whatever it might be), because something about it makes me scared. 
I'm afraid of making an ass of myself, and I'm afraid that I seem hostile and stupid. At other times, I simply avoid meeting people because I'm embarassed about my awkwardness around strangers and it's easier to just not meet them at all so I don't have to think about it.
Among friends, it takes a while for me to open up completely. I'd go as far as saying that Emilia is the only one I can confide in 100% without fearing I'll get left behind. I trust my friends and love them dearly, but I can't really get myself to open up completely - it's only the surface of the deeper issues that I can get myself to talk about. I'm not completely sure why I can't get myself to do it, because a lot of them has told me to just open up and that they'll be there if needed, but I find it much more difficult than my head can wrap around.

The thing is, I actually really want to open up and I want to be "normal" when it comes to meeting strangers. When one of my friends call their doctor or someone from their school/jobs who they don't know, I'm amazed that they can, because it seems so easy for them to do and I don't understand why I feel scared when it's so natural to do.
 Once someone becomes a friend of mine, I'm very talkative and easy to be around, but it takes a good while to get there.
 I won't say this issue takes up my entire life, because it really doesn't. But yet, it's with me everyday and everyday with it I feel a bit crippled because of that, because there's a lot of things I'm avoiding everyday because of it. Simple things as acquaintances asking me something on facebook that I end up not replying to, asking a cashier for help, being invited to something social where I don't know one of the persons there, going out for a drink at a bar, 'just simple and somehow stupid things. It's not really an issue I've talked with anybody about, because I find it embarassing to explain since I can come up with the answers myself.

I try to challenge myself from time to time, and usually, nothing bad happens. But I go right back to where I started after doing it and fear it once again. It's annoying and I know it isolates me a bit, but I really want to work on this. I have to convince myself that I'm not less worthy of anything, that if they don't like me it won't matter, and that people get left behind through their lives, and that it's okay and it's not a big deal if any of these things happen.

may I bud and never flower

I'm taking a quick break from cleaning the apartment, there's not much left anyway by now. I've cleaned the dishes, cleant the whole kitchen, thrown all the Ikea boxes out and put things where they're supposed to be, so the only thing I'm missing is vacuuming my living room. It's getting really nice by now, despite the entire apartment being really small, but I actually think the decoration and the way I've put my furniture helps.
I went to Ikea yesterday and bought a desk, so I have more space for all the shit I don't know where to put now.

Around noon I went to the doctor with Emilia since she had to get some samples taken and she was quite nervous about it. She'll get the results in week, and I really hope it's nothing serious. After that we got some coffee at a café nearby and had a good rage-talk.
Jonas is coming over in a few hours, we'll probably just chill and have a relaxing time together. Our 2 years anniversary was just a few days ago. It's really weird to think that we've been together for so long, because on one hand it feels like much longer and at the same time like much less time. I'm happy about it nonetheless.

I don't really have much to write about. Life is good, I'm in a good mood most of the time and I'm enjoying it all. I'm sleeping well, waking up at 9 AM naturally, I'm social everyday and I feel like I get some sort of positive response out of every day that passes.

I've been neglecting food a bit for a while, not because of any disordered thoughts, but out of not having enough money, being too tired or because I've been out with friends so I didn't have access to making myself a meal. It's annoying, because I really want to eat more, especially because if I don't eat enough, my workouts will be pointless and harmful instead. It's just that I can always figure out something I find more important - maybe I'm a hurry to visit someone, I'm out in town, too tired to prepare a whole meal, maybe I'm cleaning - overall I just don't feel like I have time for it, at least if it's a whole meal and not just some bread or fruit. Which of course has resulted in my weight getting a bit lower once again, so I'm somewhere around 50 kg at the moment unless I've lost more (which I don't believe I have). When I got weighed last week, it was 50 at least, so I'm not really sure where I am, and it doesn't really matter. I just need to allow myself to sit down and make time for food.
So that's the only thing I'm frustrated about.

I don't think I'll write as often as I used to - as said, I don't really have much time on my hands these days. When I actually have the time to write an entry, I'm usually too tired (night time is pretty much the only time during the day where I don't have some sort of plans).

I heard the train shake the windows, you screamed over the sound

I'm closer to being done with the apartment, I just have to wait until the 1st of June so I can buy the desk/bookcase I don't have enough money for at the moment, and after that I'm pretty much done with the apartment. I'm settling in nicely though the first night was a bit lonely, but the other nights have been good.
Right before I moved in, Miriam told me that she expected wild parties and freedom when she got her own apartment. In reality, she spent the first 3 months on being lonely. I can definitely see where she's coming from, so I'm trying to keep myself busy and have people over as often as possible.
But all in all, it's really great to finally have my own place. Now I'm just waiting for August to come so I can start studying. Everything seems to be on the right track and I'm excited about life.

I'm really broke though, so I'm just trying to survive the next 9 days (payday is the 31st of this month for me). Jonas is coming over soon and I'm looking forward to his company.

I weighed myself yesterday and I've lost weight again. I'm really angry at myself, because I know some of the factors of it has not only been due to my lack of money, but also due to being stressed and caving in more easily to the eating disorder because of that. It's kind of a battle to fight ED while being broke, because you somehow (at least I do) think that if you're low on cash, it makes more sense to save money for the rest of the month by not eating much throughout the day. It makes sense in a certain way, but I think I might take it to a more illogical point - though I have some pears, crispbread and peanut butter that I can just eat when I'm hungry, I end up eating it hours after I started getting hungry, meaning that my intake gets lower because I eat irregularly. I should refrain from it because I know very well with myself that not eating enough triggers my issues with food and weight more than anything else. So I'm a bit angry at myself for allowing the disordered parts of me to take over, but I'm trying to get back on track again with it and put up a fight, it's just a bit hard, but at least I'm trying to fight it.

I'm still doing really good and enjoying life.

when you used to need it more

I've been really busy all week and haven't had time to sit down and relax for more than 5 minutes at a time, but it has been a nice kind of busy. Two major changes came this week and I have a lot of thoughts in my head about it - mostly positive though.
I've officially moved out of my residency now and live in my own apartment (with the support of the staff from my residency when I need it), and I'm not a teenager anymore.
Two chapters of my life have ended and I haven't really had time to think much about it, but I'll probably make an entry about the two things within the next few days.

First off - yesterday I turned 20. I woke up at my mum's place because we have a tradition in my family, to eat pancakes on my birthday. I had plans all day, so we decided to celebrate it with pancakes in the morning instead of noon. Then I had to hurry back home to my apartment and drop off some pots and pans and then went back to the residency to celebrate it with my now-former roommates and had Daim layercake. At 5 PM I went out with Jonas who treated me with sushi. It was the most amazing place - on the top of Tivoli Hotel on the 12th floor so we could see over Copenhagen while eating the most delicious sushi I've had in a long time. The view was amazing and I can't do anything else than recommend the place to others. It was a great experience.
I also got some really great presents from people - a set of knives, cutting boards, a hand blender, a giftcard to Ikea, 500 DKK to buy the missing food items for my new apartment (like salt, olive oil, sugar etc.), coffee and toilet paper with ducks on from Emma (kind of a joke we have going on), and a beautiful sketch book from Frederikke. Besides inviting me out, Jonas have bought a star in my name, so I'm now a legit owner of a star. Oh, and just because it was really sweet of him - when I returned home to my apartment, Mikkel had taped a shitload of flags on my front door and written me a birthday note on my door.
I'm so grateful to have these people in my life.

As said, I've moved out - the apartment turned out way better than I imagined it would be and I'm really happy about it by now. It's been a hectic week. Monday, I got green lights for moving out as soon as I could and started packing some boxes. Tuesday I fixed the holes in the walls that the previous owner had left, and then I started painting the walls with help from Frederikke and Mikkel. Wednesday was spent on painting the walls with the help from them again, and then I went to Ikea during the evening (unfortunately with no luck). Thursday, we moved all my furniture to the apartment and started unpacking boxes. Emilia came over during the evening and helped me clean the kitchen since the previous owner left it in quite a mess. Friday was my birthday.

and every time is the last time

It's only 11 AM and it's already 17 degrees here. I'm not really a big fan of winter or cold weather in general, so I'm extremely stoked about the temperatures getting hotter and seeing more plants turning green again. My face has already started tan up just slightly because I try to be outside as much as possible.

My birthday is only 8 days away. I don't really understand that I'm almost 20 years old, it certainly doesn't feel like what I thought it would when I was a kid. It's weird, most of the people I've talked about age with agrees with it - when they were kids, they were also sure that when you were 20 years old, you'd be steady in life and sure about what and where you're going and generally just act like what we thought was "adult". In reality, we're all still running around in a haze of confusion and idiocrasy.
Speaking of that, this confirms it all; Mikkel and I are attending a soapbox car-race on the 26th this month. Not because we're actually aiming to win the race, but because we want to make the coolest soapbox car ever made. We already have a theme for the car and a name - "Soap in in the air" (reference to a Danish pop song from 2000, because we can). Our theme is "pimp", so we're going to paint it purple with a lot of feathers, chains and in-your-face-gadgets.

Jonas and I have been together for 2 years in less than a month from now. Kind of crazy to think about, because it somehow feels much longer and yet like a shorter amount of time. I'm really happy about it all and I'm looking forward to spending the day on doing something nice together, just the two of us.

I've also signed up for school! I'm starting on August 19th. It'll just be Danish, English and math for this round so I can finally get to finish that chapter and graduate. I'm actually really excited about this. It's only a year, so if I start to get tired of it all, I just have to remember that if I don't finish now, I'll have to take the classes all over again someday. I'm really looking forward to start up and stop worrying about my lack of education.

I'm also set to move out of this house somewhere in the middle of June. It's the most shitty apartment I could ever think of, but I'm trying to get the best out of it and not be bitter about it. I'll still try to fight for one of the other apartments though, but I'll accept it if it doesn't turn out like the way I'd prefer it.
It's only 14km2 (the room I have right now is actually slightly bigger than that apartment), 1 room with only 1 window and pipes sticking out of the wall, dark worn-out floor and the smallest kitchen. On top of that, I don't even get to have my own bathroom, I have to share it with my neighbor. When I describe it, it doesn't even sound as shitty as it is in real life, haha. It just annoys me to know that there's an empty apartment that's 3 times as big as this one with light floors and a lot of windows, the cutest kitchen and a bathroom. As it is right now, there's no one to move into that apartment, so it bugs me a bit that I can't take over that apartment instead of the shitty one.
I'm trying to be positive about it though, since I'm really just looking forward to moving out.

There's not really any news about my internship-hunting. I might be able to "work" at a library nearby, but it's not really set at all right now. I'm hoping for it, though.

Klarsyn

Yes, I am sitting on a dragon because fuck you that's why.

I'm not that good at pulling myself together and update this blog right at the moment. I'll just write a short entry for today because I'm actually about to get some well-deserved rest and sleep.
I'm very content at the moment. I've generally just been feeling all kinds of positive emotions for a good while now. The days are looking brighter, and each day is bringing me new opportunities.
I don't really have much time alone and I'm in a constant movement these days. I spend about 90% of the hours I'm awake with someone by my side, and the last 10% is nowhere near anything uncomfortable. I feel at rest and I feel comfortable in life as it is right now, and though there might still be some battles, I'm getting really good at controlling them and not letting them overtake me too much.

I feel like I've gotten a hold of myself, that I know who I am and I don't feel like a shell anymore. I have a strong sense of who I am and I'm trying to hold on to it so I won't end up "losing myself" again.
The last four or five days, I've felt like I was completely in the present most of the time, that I've appreciated the small things in life and the greater aspect, that I can breathe.

Summarizing what I've been up to the last few days; went out and saw "Hair" at Østre Gasværk, been to the zoo with Jonas, had a water-fight in the sun, went for a lot of long walks with good company, "broken into" the school I went to in 2011, went to the ER, been to Christiania, tried out a newly-opened hookah bar nearby, eaten sushi and laughed too hard at too many things.